It was after those events that the King missed Vashti, and wanted to
find a new wife. Some say he had her killed while others say that he
just divorced her. The FBI was appointed to investigate the matter. Then
the King ["Achashveirosh Trump"] fired the head of the FBI. He claimed "I have never met anyone
so stupid - and BELIEVE ME, I have met a LOT of stupid people. NOBODY
is better at noticing how stupid people are than me. Nobody. And let me
tell you - he is STUPID." A long investigation uncovered nothing after
key documents were put through a shredder and emails were erased.
Vashti's personal email server had been hacked and tampered with. Vashti's son has reportedly had secret dealings with enemies of her Kingdom and has made MILLIONS. His computer has been taken by the FBI and special cyber experts will try to reproduce erased emails. SHOCKINGLY, he denies any wrongdoing. We KNOW that WHENEVER public figures deny wrongdoing that they are telling the truth.
The King consulted his inner circle of advisors, which, in accordance with
multi-cultural practices [a Reform Rabba in Shushan wrote a doctorate which then turned into a book called "Intersectionality In Jewish Law And Lore"], consisted of, among others, one woman, one
Indian, one black Jew [on his father's side he is of Asian descent], and one handicapped person, who was also rumored
to be gay [he denied it but said that it is NOTHING to be ashamed of and on the contrary - one should be PROUD of his SSA]. One of his advisors, Memoochan, suggested holding a beauty
contest, attended by all the fairest maidens in the land. But his female
advisor informed him that Memoochan was a Neanderthal living in the
dark ages, and that beauty contests where men gawk at women walking
around in swimsuits had long ago gone out of fashion. [She suggested
that the King make the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue illegal.]
Instead, she suggested giving a test in such subjects as physics,
literature, music, and most importantly -- Gender Studies, and the most intelligent woman would be made
queen. The woman was a graduate of an Ivy league school
who had extensive experience in foreign affairs. And the King, already lagging in the public opinion polls,
had no choice, and he said to make it so. If things didn't work out -- he could always blame her.
Now it just so happened that in the Kingdom of Persia there lived a
young Jewish girl named Esther [called by her friends "Estee"] who was
very beautiful, but much more importantly, had aמ IQ of 178. [She was, as we
know, Jewish. Jews are the smartest group of people on the planet. That
is what enables them to control the world's banks etc.] Her resume was
quite impressive. Harvard grad. Worked as a COO in Silicon valley for 5
years at a start up. Spent a summer as an Oxford scholar with Sheryl
Sandburg. They were very involved with the Chabad there. Wrote 3 books
that made the Shushan Times best seller list. Having successfully sued
her parents for termination of custody, she had been living with her
uncle Mordechai [called by his students "Rav Mutti"]. Esther aced the
test [without the curve I used to take advantage of in high school] and
was chosen to be the new queen. Only, the homosexual community objected
to the word "queen" [despite the similarity to the word "queer"], and the feminists didn't like the whole
gender-based title thing [gender is a social construct having no true meaning. Women are NOT more sensitive than men. They just act and feel that way], so it was decided that she would just be
called "Royal Person." [Some suggested "Yoetzet Ha-melech" but that was
rejected as sounding more like a psychologist than a queen]. The cabinet similarly suggested that all names ending with "man" be outlawed. "Person". "Goodperson". "Goldperson". "Weissperson" etc. etc..
So Esther was crowned "Royal Person of Persia" [others objected that
"person" had the word "son" in it, once again perpetuating the male
hegemony, so they called her "Royal Perdaughter" or "Royal Per"] and was
married to King Achashveirosh, though she kept her own last name. And
being that Esther was an intelligent woman in her own right, and had no
intention whatsoever of sitting quietly next to the King looking pretty,
she was given her own staff of 15 and an office in the west wing of the
palace.
The King was very happy because rumor had it that Vashti had being
suffering from a serious case of acne and the King refused to be married
to a woman with unsightly pimples. Esther had a clear [albeit greenish]
complexion. The King LOVED green because it reminded him of the color
of his money. He would often break out into the song "It's not easy being green" learned from Kermit the Frog Shlita.
