Recently, a very "Charedi" man cheated me out of a substantial sum of money๐ฒ๐ฒ. I was wondering - doesn't he believe in Gehenom?? The Ramban says that one second of Gehenom is more painful than 70 years of Yissurrei Iyov [!!!!]. He believes that. He is an "Emunah Pshuta" Sefardi Talmid Chochom. He believes that Eliyahu HaNavi not only comes to his seder but also actually drinks from the Kos Shel Eliyahu [and I am sure quite a few other things that others would pass off as superstition. He also will consult with Rabbonim before making financial decisions even though one could argue that big Rabbonim are not necessarily experts in finance. So he is in debt because he obligated himself to pay money he doesn't have to marry off his kids on the advice of his rabbi. Every month, he starts over a thousand dollars deeper in the hole. And that is with both he and his wife working]. He has no doubts. So why would he not only bring upon himself terrible Gehenom for lying, cheating and stealing but also deny himself Teshuva for all of his other aveiros?? He knows that if one has ืืื ืืื ืืืืืจื sins on his cheshbon then even his ืืื ืืื ืืืงืื are not forgiven. So like, he might as well not come to shul on Yom Kippur or get up early for Selichos all of Elul [which he undoubtedly will] - it won't help. He knows all of this [or should - these are not state secrets] and believes it. So BY GOLLY how could he do what he did?
He is a major lesson for life that we all know but is worth repeating: People are complex.
We believe that G-d is watching - and yet we also do Aveiros.
We believe that wasting time is bad - and yet we waste time all the time.
We believe that health is important - and yet we have unhealthy eating habits and engage in other unhealthy behaviors [sleeping too little, not exercising enough etc.].
We spend an absolute fortune of money to give our children a Torah education - but instead of learning ourselves we will spend our time on twitter or "yeshiva world news" or listening to yet another podcast. [Or worse - some parents fight tooth and nail against their children who choose a path in life that involves a more intense, concentrated focus on learning. The same people who spent hundreds of thousands for a Torah education for these same children!!].
We [many of us] are religious Zionists or who at least believe that it is a mitzva to live in Israel but when it came time to decide where to live - we chose Chutz La-aretz. [I am not judging. There are many factors involved. But many people DO feel uncomfortable with their decision].
We know that it is dangerous to drive and text and yet we drive and text.
We know it is the right thing to think more about others and less about ourselves yet in practice we spend almost all of our time thinking about ourselves.
We believe that a dollar to Tzdaka is an eternal investment that will yield us unlimited reward in both worlds yet it is often so hard to give. Sometimes - it hurts.
Everyone believes in the value of truth yet just about everybody lies from time to time. Many, many people habitually.
People who are up at 3am at the Kotel SCREAMING for Hashem to forgive them - with an earring/s, a girlfriend/s [with whom they are not EXACTLY Shomer Negiya], tattoos galore and whose greatest dream of spiritual ecstasy in life is seeing their soccer team win the championship. [If Hashem wanted us to play soccer, then why did he give us arms??].
People who are married men, respected in their communities, who also watch pornography. [I know of a mechubedike learned man, husband, father, grandfather, Ba'al Tzdaka, who watches the filth. "ืืขืืื ืืจื --- ืืจืืื ืื ืืช ืืืื ืืจื ื - ืฉืฉื!!" One example of many].
We ALL engage in contradictory behaviors.
Are we CRAZY?
Well, according to Chazal - YES ๐๐. ืืื ืืื ืืืื ืืื ืื ืื ื ืื ืกื ืื ืจืื ืฉืืืช. Every sin is an act of temporary insanity!! How could one sin and forgo eternal bliss in exchange for some of the opposite. For WHAT??
I have been around the block a few times and have seen such stark contradictions in people that it defies imagination. Massive Talmdei Chachomim who were sexual deviants [with men and/or women and children]. TREMENDOUS supporters of Torah in the millions and tens of millions who were also thieves, liars, egomaniacs etc. Devoted Mechanchim who were also egocentric megalomaniacs. People who are super careful not only to keep every Halacha and to keep even every minhag just so - yet they were engaged in terrible Machlokes, which is against an open pasuk in the Torah. People who have a caring compassionate heart at times while at other times display hearts of stone.
How is this all to be explained? Complexities. People are so complex. There is no rhyme and reason for a lot of things people do. It is coming from a deeply buried subconscious of which they themselves are not aware.
Here are the Mussar Haskels:
1] Don't try to fix people. How many psychologists to it take to change a lightbulb? One. But it has to want to change.... Most people are afraid to leave their comfort zones. This is who they are and they don't want their boat rocked. If they want your help in changing - they will come to you. In over 50 years of countless social interactions and even a period as someone who was supposed to be a Mechanech, I haven't once had a person tell me - "Please help me. I want to change. I want to break out of all of my negative patterns. I will do anything". And mean it. That doesn't mean that such people don't exist. They do. They are just rare. "ืจืืืชื ืื ื ืขืืื ืืื ืืืขืืื" [Succah 45b]. "I have seen people who are engaged in consistent spiritual growth - but they are rare." People enjoy compliments and are averse to criticism. The problem is that in order to change a person has to know what needs fixing. Being apprised of this is not pleasant. So my policy is never to tell anyone what is wrong with them unless they ask [barring rare circumstances with my children with whose Chinuch I have been entrusted - and of course myself. I incessantly tell myself what is wrong with me. To my chagrin] - and they never do. Of course I am not the only person in the world. People DO ask others for help in changing - but again, it is rare.
2] You can be one of those rare people. You can live an almost totally cohesive life where everything fits together. With a minimum of contradictions. You LIVE your values and beliefs. [News flash!!: People who live lives consistent with their values are HAPPIER people!] It takes work. Daily work. It takes high levels of self awareness [and often therapy]. It takes honesty. It is a daily struggle that while tremendously rewarding - not always easy.
So don't be angry at people for real or imagined slights, dishonesty, carelessness, apathy etc. etc.. It is almost never about you. It is their issues playing out with you in the background as a convenient prop. ["What is your name"? "Ally prop". "No, your real name?" "Elchonon prop".] Don't try to give them Mussar because unless they want some, it will either fall on deaf ears or generate even greater resistance. But rather YOU be the change you want to see in the world [I plagiarized that line from an old skinny Indian guy.] You are the only one you have any real control over.
And THAT is empowering! The only person you are required to change for the better is the only person over whom you exercise any power and control.
