WORLD — A newly released report has revealed that people are following their hearts at record levels, with remarkably disastrous results.
"People are just being true to themselves! Why is everything so terrible?" said lead researcher Tim Scottsdale. "It's almost like there is some innate depravity in the heart of man. It's very surprising."
Researchers had hypothesized that more people following their hearts would naturally lead to Utopia breaking out. "We believed that all people were fundamentally good, and the problem was simply bad societies that prevented people from expressing their true selves," said Dr. Scottsdale. "Unfortunately, our thesis that the heart of man is intrinsically good, well it proved to be...really, really false. Like, it's the most wrong anyone's ever been about anything. It seems that unlike in movies, following your own heart directly leads to pain and brokenness, otherwise known as sin. Lots and lots of sin."
According to sources, researchers realized they hit a snag when they were explaining to a violent, antisemitic psychopath that he should simply follow his heart. "That's when it dawned on us that there was this awfully similar famous guy that followed his own heart, and his name was Hitler," said research assistant Kelly Lorn. "In fact, Hitler was one of the most committed people of all time to following his own heart. We realized we may have made a slight miscalculation."
At publishing time, researchers stated that their latest results now seem to indicate that no one is perfectly good. Further, they recommended purposefully not following one's heart, as the heart is deceitful.
------
כי יצר לב האדם רע מנעוריו.
השמרו לכם פן יפתה לבבכם.
לְבַד֙ רְאֵה־זֶ֣ה מָצָ֔אתִי אֲשֶׁ֨ר עָשָׂ֧ה הָאֱלֹהִ֛ים אֶת־הָאָדָ֖ם יָשָׁ֑ר וְהֵ֥מָּה בִקְשׁ֖וּ חִשְּׁבֹנ֥וֹת רַבִּֽים.
לַמְנַצֵּחַ לְדָוִד, אָמַר נָבָל בְּלִבּוֹ: אֵין אֱלֹהִים, הִשְׁחִיתוּ, הִתְעִיבוּ עֲלִילָה, אֵין עֹשֵׂה טוֹב.
כי אין צדיק בארץ אשר יעשה טוב ולא יחטא.
לכו בנים שמעו לי יראת ה' אלמדכם.
אֹזֶן שֹׁמַעַת תּוֹכַחַת חַיִּים בְּקֶרֶב חֲכָמִים תָּלִין.
המקרע בגדיו בחמתו, והמשבר כליו בחמתו, והמפזר מעותיו בחמתו – יהא בעיניך כעובד עבודה זרה; שכך אומנתו של יצר הרע, היום אומר לו עשה כך ולמחר אומר לו עשה כך. עד שאומר לו עבוד עבודה זרה והולך ועובד. אמר רבי אבין: מאי קראה – לא יהיה בך אל זר ולא תשתחוה לאל נכר, איזהו אל זר שיש בגופו של אדם – הוי אומר זה יצר הרע.
