NEW YORK, NY — A stunning legal precedent was set in the Big Apple today, as a jury in the highly publicized trial of Daniel Penny found him not guilty, officially declaring selfless acts of heroism legal in New York.
Legal experts described the verdict as a stark reversal of all previous understanding of the law in the state, as it had been assumed for several decades that sacrificially putting one's own life at risk to protect other people was strictly prohibited.
"This is great news for heroes of all kinds," said legal analyst Christopher Gilbert. "This verdict tossed aside many years of criminals being coddled in New York and instead gives selfless individuals with the desire to preserve life the green light to act impulsively on behalf of those being oppressed or assaulted. Many of us never thought this day would ever come, but here it is. It is legal to be heroic in New York."
Critics of the verdict were quick to condemn the precedent it set. "This is a dark day for New York," said protester Lawrence Davis. "So now it's perfectly legal for people to stand up for others and keep them from being harmed? What's next — they'll try to start prosecuting criminals for breaking the law? This could lead us down a very dangerous path. Who wants to live in a world like that?"
At publishing time, legal experts issued an urgent warning to the public that Penny's acquittal could potentially lead to widespread courage and random acts of sacrificial bravery.
