LAWRENCE, NY — News broke this afternoon that Rabbi Marissa Green of Temple Beth El-Shalom kicked congregant Jeff Janovec off the temple’s co-ed softball team after Janovec reportedly wrote an actual Torah verse on his temple-branded cap.
Temple representatives confirmed that before removing Janovec, Rabbi Green first issued a warning to all players that defacing temple merch with traditional text would not be tolerated.
"The writing of actual p'sukim (Torah verses) does not represent the values of Temple Beth El-Shalom or its board of directors," said Rabbi Green in a statement. "I am personally appalled that one of our players chose to detract from our mission of Tikkun Olam by adding Orthodox-leaning scripture to a team hat. We could have re-sold that cap for a $35 profit at the Sisterhood Judaica Shop. Now with a quote from Chumash on it, it’s completely unmarketable to our demographic. That's not who we are."
According to sources, the verse written by Janovec was Genesis 1:1.
"What a bunch of fundamentalist hooey," said Rabbi Green after AI translated the Hebrew for her. "Who would settle for the literal creation of the universe when we could be talking about mindfulness and universal energy? Ridiculous. Literal Torah isn't sufficient for me, I'll tell you that for free. And that's the only thing in this temple you'll ever get for free—building assessment fees start in July."
At publishing time, Rabbi Green had graciously offered to let Janovec back on the team, provided he purchase a table at the upcoming Spring Gala and promise to only quote secular poetry during the post-game barbeque.
