ATLANTA — In a bold move to streamline its editorial process and ensure ideological consistency, CNN has introduced a mandatory "Orange Man Bad" (OMB) quota for every breaking news segment, effective immediately.
According to internal memo leaked by a courageous producer who has since been reassigned to the overnight weather desk, any story — whether about inflation, international conflict, celebrity gossip, or a cat stuck in a tree — must now feature at minimum three explicit or implied references to former President Donald Trump being bad, orange, or both.
"Viewers deserve clarity," explained CNN chief reliability officer Brian Stelter during a special town hall broadcast from his home library filled with exactly 47 copies of his own book. "In these chaotic times, we can't risk confusing the audience by reporting facts without proper context. That context is always: Orange. Man. Bad."
Examples provided in the training module include:
Stock market dips 2% → "This volatility echoes the instability seen during the Orange Man's chaotic trade wars, which experts say were bad."
New study finds link between coffee and longevity → "While promising, the findings stand in stark contrast to the unhealthy fast-food habits promoted by — you guessed it — the Orange Man, whose diet was famously bad."
Severe weather threatens Midwest → "As tornadoes loom, residents are reminded that climate denial reached new heights under the Orange Man's administration, which was, objectively, very bad."
The policy also requires anchors to furrow their brows intensely whenever mentioning the color orange, even if discussing traffic cones or pumpkins. Failure to achieve the required level of disapproval will result in mandatory sensitivity training titled "Relearning How to Scowl: A Refresher."
Critics of the move — mostly people on X who are already blocked by the entire network — called it "on-brand self-parody." One anonymous former staffer quipped, "We used to hide the bias in chyrons and loaded questions. Now we're just making it official. Progress!"
When reached for comment, a CNN spokesperson issued the following statement: "This is fake news. Also, Donald Trump is orange and bad."
The network plans to expand the quota next quarter to include a mandatory eye-roll whenever anyone says the word "economy" without prefacing it with "thanks to Biden's historic recovery from the Orange Man's disastrous mismanagement."
Stay tuned for more fair, balanced, and properly contextualized reporting.
