לזכות חנה ליבא ועדינה בת שבע וגילה שושנה בנות נעכא גיטל והרב אברהם יוסף בן חנה והרב שי בן לאה וגבריאלה עדינה בת שולמית חנה
The way we usually view our relationship with others is that we have our will which is [often] in conflict with the will of others and the ideal moral/ethical act is to forgo my will for the benefit of the other person. Sometimes we are successful - sometimes not. But it is a constant battle b/c there are infinite scenarios where there is a clash. At home, at work, in shul etc. etc. We are by nature selfish ["animal soul"] and by nature also feel positive about being generous and kind [G-dly soul], so the internal battle plays out constantly. Good vs. Evil. Selfish vs. Kind. Working on your middos means, according to this, letting the other guy "win".
Some people don't even fight the battle but rather always try to find ways to "win" - and still be accepted in society. We are trained from a young age that life is a competition. We play games where the goal is to "beat" the opponent. Who is the opponent? Everybody but me. Sometimes even our "teammate" is an opponent b/c we want to be the best on our team. So in every interaction and relationship some [most?] people are always trying to get the maximum for themselves. When they give to others it is only a strategy to somehow get more for themselves. He will service the customer b/c otherwise he can't get his money. He will be really nice to this girl b/c then she will marry him and he will get - a housekeeper, cook, sexual partner, mother for his children, someone whose company he enjoys etc. etc. It will cost him but it is worth it. If she crosses him enough and he will deem her not worth it and drop her and try to find someone else who is worth his time and money. Totally a "me vs. them" attitude. He will do favors with the thought that it will benefit him in various ways - he will be well liked, can expect favors in return, feel good about himself etc. If he is asked to do a favor and determines that the benefit for himself doesn't justify the effort he won't do it. It is always about him. [What is the first thought that goes through your head when asked to do a favor?]
Hashem is also perceived as a type of opponent. He has His will, I have my often conflicting will and I try to live my life satisfying both. On one hand, I want to enjoy myself so I will do everything I can within the bounds of Halacha to do so. On the other hand I don't want to get in too much trouble with him b/c that will totally mess me up possibly in this world and certainly in the next. So I make sure to be a good boy, give maaser, make brachos, daven and make tea on Shabbos with a kli shlishi. This way I get my "tea" [a metaphor for life's pleasures in general] and also satisfy the Big Guy upstairs so that He doesn't get to angry with me. And if I slip up from time to time - it's cool b/c everybody does and He understands. Plus, I heard a shiur from Rav .... that Hashem loves the biggest reshaim more than a parent loves an only child born after 25 years of trying, failing and waiting. So I am cool. Pass the chips.
Ahhhhhhhhhh - but there is another way of viewing things. Let me illustrate: My kidneys only wish my liver well. If ח"ו there are liver problems this will affect the kidneys. It is not a competition. It is one organism. The success and robust health of one part will only benefit all of the other parts. All of Jewish people/mankind/universe/existence are essentially ONE ORGANISM. We are all rooted in the only true reality - מלך מלכי המלכים הבורא ברוך הוא. This is not a competition. There is no conflict here. My eyes are SUPER HAPPY when my ears are working well. My eyes are deeply connected to my ears. My eyes aren't jealous that my ears hear so well - even though my eyes are DEAF!!! And my ears aren't jealous that my eyes see so well even though my ears are blind. Each organ has their job to do and all are serving a BIGGER purpose. Namely - me😀. We are ALLLLLL here for one purpose - to reveal and connect to the Source of all. So it is not me against him and I will go to minyan Sunday morning and then tell the Big Guy - "I was a good boy this morning. Now I am going to the football game and I'll see ya at mincha. Don't be mad. I can't learn all day Sunday. Who am I? Rav Chaim Knievsky???" A חציו לכם וחציו לשם sorta thing. As if I have to navigate a way to please both Him and myself. NOOOOO!!! It is ALLLLLL לכם b/c all of the myriad of mitzvos, aveiros, chumros, kulos etc. etc. are all designed for MY benefit b/c He loves me and knows that it is in my best interests to connect with him and not with my lower, base desires. אהבתי אתכם אמר השם cried the Navi Malachi [also an Irish pub on 72nd and Columbus - להבדיל].
He WANTS us to live a healthy, normal balanced life. That is why he gave us a hearty appetite and lots of delicious food to satisfy it. He gave us a strong, almost unremitting sexual urge and then told us to get married and satisfy it. No conflict. I am not a separate entity from Him just like להבדיל my bodily parts are not separate disparate organs.
So we have to uproot this "me vs. them" thing. I AM them. Their success is Hashem's success and my success. Their pain and sadness is MY pain and sadness. Their misfortune is MY misfortune. So when the poor guy comes and asks for a donation I must see myself as if I were him [as per Rashi on the pasuk אם כסף תלוה את עמי את העני עמך] b/c in a greater spiritual cosmic sense - I am!!!!!!!!!!! When I attend a simcha [or don't attend] - it is MY simcha. If I don't "feel it", that is only b/c I am overly connected to my flesh and detached from my eternal G-dly soul. As they say today - "Get over it".
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SWEETEST FRIENDS - This is a REVOLUTION in thinking. 😘
I owe this post to, among others, R' Shimon Shkop in his hakdamah to the שערי ישר, Rav Dessler and of course מרן הרב אור ישראל וקדושו זצ"ל in numerous passages. And to my mother who so kindly and gracefully bore me and then took care of me in my most vulnerable time!!!!
