“I can be stubborn,” my client said.
Good, I thought. Honesty is always helpful in therapy.
But I’m often less interested in what my clients are confessing to than the way they make that confession.
In this case, my client owned her stubbornness with a jut to her jaw. She said it with pride, like it was a badge of honor, the key to her significant career success.
However when we unpacked her reason for coming to therapy — difficulties in her relationship — it became clear that stubbornness was far from an asset.
She was a gold medal grudge holder: she couldn’t let things go. And it was getting her absolutely nowhere.
“What job have I hired this grudge to do?” ― Greg McKeown
Where your grudge can take you
In a former life I was a journalist. You can’t be a journalist without offending someone. So of course I offended, mostly without being aware of it.
One of those people I offended waited two years to call me out on it. Fair point, I thought, I could see why she hadn’t liked what I’d written about her team. But I wondered why she hadn’t said so, or sent a note, at the time. We could have discussed it and found some middle ground.
Instead, she’d quietly held onto her grievance for two years, letting it fester and potentially corrode her mental health — when I hadn’t given it another thought.
I get it: it’s valid to feel hurt. It can cause anger, sadness and confusion — and it’s especially hard to take if it’s someone you love and trust.
But if you dwell on hurtful events or situations, resentment and hostility can take root. And that grudge ends up hurting you far more than the person who initiated it.
“I do not forget any good deed done to me & I do not carry a grudge for a bad one.” ― Viktor E. Frankl
In a former life I was a journalist. You can’t be a journalist without offending someone. So of course I offended, mostly without being aware of it.
One of those people I offended waited two years to call me out on it. Fair point, I thought, I could see why she hadn’t liked what I’d written about her team. But I wondered why she hadn’t said so, or sent a note, at the time. We could have discussed it and found some middle ground.
Instead, she’d quietly held onto her grievance for two years, letting it fester and potentially corrode her mental health — when I hadn’t given it another thought.
I get it: it’s valid to feel hurt. It can cause anger, sadness and confusion — and it’s especially hard to take if it’s someone you love and trust.
But if you dwell on hurtful events or situations, resentment and hostility can take root. And that grudge ends up hurting you far more than the person who initiated it.
“I do not forget any good deed done to me & I do not carry a grudge for a bad one.” ― Viktor E. Frankl
We all feel wronged at times
We’ve all been offended against, we’ve all been hurt. We all have people and situations in our past who can water the seeds of bitterness if we give them too much mental energy.
I’m not sure it’s possible to live a full life without feeling some form of grudge. Some grudges have absolute merit — holding onto them can be a form of self-protection.
But some people have a tendency to take minor slights to heart — and cling to them. Which has hefty (and negative) implications for relationships.
So it’s important to confront and unpack your grudge-holding —so that it doesn’t limit you in relationships — at home, at work and amongst friends.
If you’re up for it, here are some things to think about.
We’ve all been offended against, we’ve all been hurt. We all have people and situations in our past who can water the seeds of bitterness if we give them too much mental energy.
I’m not sure it’s possible to live a full life without feeling some form of grudge. Some grudges have absolute merit — holding onto them can be a form of self-protection.
But some people have a tendency to take minor slights to heart — and cling to them. Which has hefty (and negative) implications for relationships.
So it’s important to confront and unpack your grudge-holding —so that it doesn’t limit you in relationships — at home, at work and amongst friends.
If you’re up for it, here are some things to think about.
* Is this in my bloodline?
Grudge holding often runs in families. If you were parented by a sulker or someone who perpetually sat in the victim seat you may have picked up the same way of dealing with anger: bottling or burying it.
If you were allowed to sulk as a kid, or didn’t have your difficult feelings acknowledged, or you weren’t shown healthy ways to process hurt, it can manifest in habitual grudge holding.
Look to your past for these patterns and, if you spot them in your family, ask yourself if you want to repeat them or — worse — continue to pass them on.
* Will this matter in a year?
Where’s your sensitivity dial sitting? If there is one big grudge in your background that you can’t let go of, it may need professional unpacking. But for highly sensitive people life can be a rolling stone of minor or perceived slights. Someone taking the seat you wanted, leaving you out of a group chat, forgetting your birthday or to invite you to a party, not congratulating you on your promotion, talking about their problems all through lunch and forgetting to ask how you are, simply rolling their eyes at you. The list is potentially a very long one.
So ask yourself if this will matter in a year? Five years? Because most of the time these slights aren’t worth dwelling on — some aren’t even intended as slights. They come and go and almost everyone experiences them. If you know you have a tendency to get snagged on the little things, train yourself to ask the question. If it is something that will continue to matter down the track, ask what you can do right now to alleviate it. Even one tiny act will make you feel better.
* Don’t use grudges to motivate
This is hugely common in work or sports arenas. Negative comments or someone’s lack of belief in you are used as fuel to motivate performance. You’ve heard it in the locker rooms “we’re gonna show the haters”. It might work once but it’s not an effective long term strategy. You won’t be able to get the same energy out of it on repeat.
It also draws back the curtain on the person you are. UFC middleweight champion Israel Adesanya hit the headlines when, after beating his arch rival for the title, he acted on a six-year old grudge against his opponents’ son. He was unapologetic: “I’m petty,” he said.
Adesanya might be okay with it. But is “petty” a label you want to wear?
Grudge holding often runs in families. If you were parented by a sulker or someone who perpetually sat in the victim seat you may have picked up the same way of dealing with anger: bottling or burying it.
If you were allowed to sulk as a kid, or didn’t have your difficult feelings acknowledged, or you weren’t shown healthy ways to process hurt, it can manifest in habitual grudge holding.
Look to your past for these patterns and, if you spot them in your family, ask yourself if you want to repeat them or — worse — continue to pass them on.
* Will this matter in a year?
Where’s your sensitivity dial sitting? If there is one big grudge in your background that you can’t let go of, it may need professional unpacking. But for highly sensitive people life can be a rolling stone of minor or perceived slights. Someone taking the seat you wanted, leaving you out of a group chat, forgetting your birthday or to invite you to a party, not congratulating you on your promotion, talking about their problems all through lunch and forgetting to ask how you are, simply rolling their eyes at you. The list is potentially a very long one.
So ask yourself if this will matter in a year? Five years? Because most of the time these slights aren’t worth dwelling on — some aren’t even intended as slights. They come and go and almost everyone experiences them. If you know you have a tendency to get snagged on the little things, train yourself to ask the question. If it is something that will continue to matter down the track, ask what you can do right now to alleviate it. Even one tiny act will make you feel better.
* Don’t use grudges to motivate
This is hugely common in work or sports arenas. Negative comments or someone’s lack of belief in you are used as fuel to motivate performance. You’ve heard it in the locker rooms “we’re gonna show the haters”. It might work once but it’s not an effective long term strategy. You won’t be able to get the same energy out of it on repeat.
It also draws back the curtain on the person you are. UFC middleweight champion Israel Adesanya hit the headlines when, after beating his arch rival for the title, he acted on a six-year old grudge against his opponents’ son. He was unapologetic: “I’m petty,” he said.
Adesanya might be okay with it. But is “petty” a label you want to wear?
* Loosen your grip
I never push my clients to forgive people who have hurt them — some of those acts have been traumatic, even life-defining.
But we work towards ways of loosening their grip on that pain, of learning to reduce its impact, rather than banishing it altogether. Or trying to force themselves into a state of false forgiveness.
It is possible to live well, and fully, alongside old pain. I’ve seen the evidence many times over. And it’s worth remembering that those who have wronged you aren't being hurt by your grudge.
I never push my clients to forgive people who have hurt them — some of those acts have been traumatic, even life-defining.
But we work towards ways of loosening their grip on that pain, of learning to reduce its impact, rather than banishing it altogether. Or trying to force themselves into a state of false forgiveness.
It is possible to live well, and fully, alongside old pain. I’ve seen the evidence many times over. And it’s worth remembering that those who have wronged you aren't being hurt by your grudge.
They are not thinking about you at all....šš
k.n.
