WASHINGTON — First Lady (and real doctor - of Education), huuuuuge Joe Biden groupie and president of his fan club [which now numbers 14!!!] Jill Biden has confirmed she tested positive for COVID-19 after conducting her own extensive diagnostic assessment, which included hitting herself on the forehead with one of those rubber knee hammer things. She confirmed this herself after the press was informed of this by White House press secretary Karine Jean-Pierre - who is black and gay.
"Yep, it's official. I have COVID," Dr. Biden announced solemnly after hitting herself between the eyes with the reflex hammer. "Through rigorous scientific testing, including bonking myself on the head with the little hammer thingies that we real doctors all use, I have positively confirmed that I am suffering from this horrible disease. Rest assured, if I hadn't already received 17 vaccine injections and boosters, I would be much worse off than I am."
With notice of the First Lady's diagnosis rocking the nation to its core, she reportedly ordered President Joe Biden to resume his rigorous vacation schedule without her while she rested at home. Secret Service agents stayed behind to tend to her needs, having already stopped her from putting a thermometer up her nose in an attempt to take the temperature of her brain.
Jill Biden will remain at the couple’s home in Rehoboth Beach, Delaware, for the time being, communications director Elizabeth Alexander [The Great] said. Biden has asserted in the past the while the Bidens are allowed to build in Rehoboth Beach, the Israelis may NOT build in Rehoboth, Palestine. "But", she made sure to add, "we are close allies with Israel". The First Lady had planned to start the new school year Tuesday at Northern Virginia Community College, where she teaches English, writing and Chinese basket weaving [Hunter was able to get her a lot of material for her course, from his, ahem, "friends" in China].
Due to her condition, she was working with school officials to arrange substitute teachers for her classes, Alexander [who sadly, is neither black nor gay] said. There was grave concern with how the students would treat the substitutes. It is NOT EASY being a substitute teacher. The students always make sure to behave in the First Lady's class for fear of her getting the FBI on their case.
The first lady had traveled with her husband to Florida on Saturday to inspect the damage from Hurricane Idalia. President Biden then spent part of the Labor Day weekend at the Delaware beach house before traveling Monday to the Rebbe's Ohel in Queens and then back to the White House.
