WASHINGTON, D.C. — In the latest round of mass pardons, President Joe Biden made waves by issuing a pardon to his wife, Jill, for impersonating a doctor.
The pardon reportedly covers "any and all instances" of impersonation as far back as 2007, when Jill Biden first began calling herself a doctor. Ancillary clauses in the pardon are said to also cover the various news organizations that have misleadingly referred to Jill as a doctor, especially during the 2016 and 2020 election seasons.
"I am very proud to present this award to my wife... whatever her name is," Biden told reporters when announcing the pardon. "My... my wife... the black gal over there... oh no, that's Kamala... I knew that.. Jills the whitie.. she deserves this pardon, and if you don't think she's a real doctor, then you're... then all it means is you're.. the idea... who is this, now?"
Controversially, the pardon is said to be valid for the next 35 years, meaning that Jill Biden can continue referring to herself as a doctor, at least in private conversations. However, the pardon stipulates that she "cannot ever get up in a crowded airplane and identify herself as such when someone asks 'Is there a doctor onboard?'" Or perform open heart surgery. She may however prescribe Tylenol for people between ages 21 and 39.
At publishing time, Biden had also pardoned Dr. Pepper for allegedly practicing medicine without a license, citing evidence that it was a delicious beverage. Another pardon to Dr. J. [Julius Erving] for opening a dental clinic and performing root canals on unsuspecting older white folks who idolized him in their youth.
