In our first 5 to 7 years of childhood, we form key, lifelong narratives that tell us who we are, what to expect from others, and how the world generally works. They are the basis for our beliefs, and they influence—if not determine—nearly every decision we make.
Here are the most common and influential unhealthy narratives that develop in childhood:
1. “It’s my fault; I’m to blame.”
This narrative has two main sources:
a) A child’s natural egocentrism
As the renowned Swiss psychologist Jean Piaget proposed in his four-stage developmental theory, young children are naturally egocentric and have trouble imagining how other people experience things. Because they can’t step into someone else’s mindset, they interpret everything through their own perspective, often imagining that they are at the center of things.
Thus, when something bad happens, they’re more prone to assume they are the cause.
This is especially true when the parent is responsible for the “bad” thing. For example, if a parent is absent or neglectful, the child will believe they did something to warrant the neglect. If parents break up or divorce, the child may believe they are somehow the cause.
b) A child’s need to imagine parents as all good
Young children need to see parents as near-perfect because it’s too upsetting to imagine a parent with flaws or limitations. Kids need to know that the person flying the plane is a reliable, capable pilot. For them, parents are the only thing that keeps their world from falling apart.
This sets up children to develop unhealthy narratives because they will blame themselves in order to protect the good image of their parents.
2. “I’m a bad kid.” “I’m unlovable.”
How the narrative forms: This narrative is all about self-esteem, and shame is the key here. Shame—the feeling of intrinsically being bad—damages self-esteem.
Kids are sensitive to messages of shame imparted by others. For example, if a caregiver tells a child, “You are always whining! What is wrong with you?” this conveys that the child is bad—rather than behaving badly.
Kids can also generate their own shame. For example, if a child already carries the previous narrative, “It’s my fault,” they may feel they are fundamentally bad.
3. “I’ll be rejected.” “People won’t like me.” “I am alone.”
How the narrative forms: When there’s a repeated lapse in connection with parents, children can experience this as rejection. Whether the rejection is their perception only (i.e., the parent must work two jobs and therefore has less time and energy for the child) or is based on a parent’s issues or limitations (i.e., an absent parent or one struggling with addiction), the child’s experience is what matters.
Kids regularly feel rejected by peers. If this rejection is ongoing and pervasive, it can create an unhealthy narrative that the child is unlikable.
(Note how rejection narratives can intersect with and intensify the previous self-esteem narratives.)
4. “Anger isn’t a safe emotion.”
Similar, associated narratives: “Avoid anger or conflict at all costs.” “If I get mad, I’ll lose control of myself.” “Anger destroys relationships.”
The narrative’s source: A child’s response to parental anger
First, let’s define “anger.” Perhaps we should use “rage” or “fury” here because the important distinction to make is that a parent’s anger becomes problematic when it’s out of control (i.e., the parent is screaming or saying or doing things they later regret).
How the narrative forms: Young children get overwhelmed by a parent’s intense anger. For them, the parent has transformed into a monster, leaving them scared, confused, and helpless. Ultimately, the child feels their relationship is threatened, if not damaged.
Anger—whether someone else’s or the child’s—becomes an out-of-control, scary emotion that should be avoided.
5. “Feelings are scary or overwhelming.” “I don’t want to have feelings.”
How the narrative forms: Feelings are often too intense—and thus overwhelming—for young children. They need parents to tolerate and help them manage these feelings.
However, if parents themselves have trouble tolerating and managing their own—and their child’s—emotions, they send a message that feelings are too hard to handle.
Because young children tend to overgeneralize, seeing things in black and white, they are in danger of telling themselves that all feelings are too much to handle.
If they try burying their feelings, the feelings will invariably explode from them, which only confirms that emotions are dangerous and out of control.
6. “My needs aren’t important.”
Associated narratives: “I’m too needy.” “My needs will overwhelm others and drive them away.”
How the narrative forms: Sometimes, the best-intentioned parents can’t fully meet a child’s needs—for example, a high-needs sibling requires a majority of the parent’s attention. Whatever the circumstances, if a child regularly feels their needs aren’t met, they may develop narratives about their needs, themselves, and what they should expect from others.
7. “If I control everything, I won’t feel scared.”
Associated narratives: “I need to be strong, tough, and big.”
The narrative’s source: Feeling small and lacking control or power
How the narrative forms: Feeling small is one of the most intense and unavoidable experiences of childhood. Being small means having little power, and this leaves kids feeling helpless and scared. To counteract these emotions, kids will develop unhealthy narratives about control and power.
