לא חטאתי

And oftentimes excusing of a fault doth make the fault the worse by the excuse.

William Shakespeare

David Rosenberg is a 51 year old partner in a major Manhattan based law firm. He wife Miriam is a 47 year old housewife. They have 3 children, Danny, 19 years old and a sophomore at YU, Chaviva, 16 and a junior in a yeshiva high school in Long Island [where the family lives] and Mikey, 14, a cute, precocious ninth grader. They have come to the study of Rabbi Moshovitz to discuss issues affecting the family.

Miriam begins by tearfully relating how she has suffered years of emotional abuse from her husband. He was either busy at work or tormenting her and the children.

Danny then relates how he got into drugs in high school as an escape from the emotional pain of his absentee/abusive father. He is now clean and doing well in school but the pain he is feeling is clearly evident.

Chaviva talks about how she is in the throes of a serious depression that she attributes to her father's abusive behavior. The entire time she speaks she nervously bites her nails and is not able to make eye contact with the therapist. She is an A student at school, well liked by her friends and very pretty. But she hates herself.

Mikey starts to talk. At first he talks about how much he admires his father and how much he wants to be like him. To be a hot-shot lawyer, well read, the gabbai of the shul, a maggid shiur for daf yomi -and drive a sleek Lancer. This calms the tension in the room. Then he lets out a heart rending cry and says "Why do you always tell me I'm not good enough. Why am I afraid every time you walk into the room that you are going to shoot me down. Why can't you come to my basketball games like all the other dads. You tell me that you are busy. Why are your stupid season tickets to the Giants more important than me!" It takes 10 minutes until he stops crying hysterically. Watching him his mother Miriam similarly loses control.

Now it is David's turn to talk. "I'm shocked! What a bunch of ingrates you all are! Who am I working for if not for you?! Who pays your tuitions? Who sends you to summer camp? Who pays for your designer clothing?? And look at you kids - you are all good students in school and respected by your peers. That is only because of my discipline. Your mother is a pushover so someone needs to discipline. And Miriam - who bought you a four story house? Who takes you away on vacation with the family every yontiff? Instead of complaining you should all just appreciate everything I do for you. I only mean well and you HAVE to understand that. Tell 'em Rabbi!"

Now it is Rabbi Moshovitz's turn. "David, you feel that your wife and children don't appreciate all you do for them. You feel that you have sacrificed so much for your family and all they do is complain. That must be very hard for you." David nods. "But I have some very difficult news to share with you. If one person causes another person pain - we don't attack the victim and say that he should understand that our intentions were noble. We look inside ourselves and try to discover what made us act in ways that caused pain to other people. There are four people in the room who are suffering and placing the blame on them is not going to help them and frankly is not going to help you either. In your heart of hearts you know the truth.

You are a learned man David. You know that when Nosson HaNavi confronted Dovid with the sin he committed with Bas-sheva his immediate reaction was "I sinned". He could have excused himself but he didn't. The pasuk says that Hashem forgave him. In contrast Shaul sinned by not completely destroying Amalek when he had the chance but when confronted by Shmuel he started making excuses. He lost his kingship for a person who doesn't take responsibility for his actions cannot be king. When the wife of Potiphar was trying to seduce Yosef he told her that he can't do it because it would be a sin against him boss Potiphar who trusted Yosef and against G-d as well. In other words, he took responsibility for his actions.

Human nature is to shirk responsibility. As a Jew we are required to assume responsibility as difficult as it may be. Yirmiyahu HaNavi tells the Jews that G-d's main gripe against them is NOT that they sinned but that they denied ever having sinned. הנני נשפט אותך על אמרך לא חטאתי. David - you have caused tremendous harm to the four people whom you love the most but it's never too late. You can make amends now by changing your behavior. It is very rare that a person your age changes but with strong will and guidance it can be done."

[See Sichos Mussar of Rav Chaim Shmuelevitz טו תשל"א for more.]

Sweet friends I wish it were that easy - one session with the Rabbi and the father does complete teshuva and they live happily ever after. But how many people I know who refuse to take responsibility and the negative consequences of their attitude are perpetuated.

What do you think??