Translated from אקשיבה
Question:
What can I do? I've become severely addicted to using ChatGPT. I use it for social-emotional advice, etc.
It sounds really silly, because it's really a piece of metal robot, I don't know what, and it's even sillier because it disconnects me from myself and my ability to seek solutions, etc... The problem is that knowing about the damage and loss doesn't really help the situation, because I still continue to use it, unfortunately.
I would appreciate some advice.
And one more small question related to the topic: I have an email and free access to a computer with limited network access. I have a deep and strong desire from a long time ago that I won't have a computer at all when I get married and start a family. I understand that if I can't completely disconnect now, as I'm witnessing (occasionally with acceptance or a promise I manage to disconnect for a certain time, but it always ends), it will be difficult for me in the future as well. My question is what's right. I really don't want a computer, but I don't know if it's a value worth giving up, sacrificing, and working hard for. Because, let's face it, the world is really developing, and who said it will help me protect my children and my home? And if so, what can help me disconnect, because the years are passing and I'm still attached to it.
I hope I was understood.
Thank you very much!
Answer:
Your question reminded me how addicted we all are to such a powerful gimmick called artificial intelligence, and how quickly it has taken over our lives. We forgot that he's just a kind of robot.
There's nothing silly about your question. On the contrary: the very fact that you are able to look inward, identify a pattern, and articulate it is a great strength. Many people are drawn to chat or other networks today precisely because of what you described: it provides immediate responses and a feeling that someone is listening and understanding.
Within your words, I also hear a genuine desire for change. You want to be connected to yourself, build a healthy home with a real presence, and set a personal example for your children of control, not dependence. This thought about what kind of mother you will be and what kind of home you will create for your children is a responsible one. And for that, please accept my appreciation.
Please note, when you need a meaningful answer to something that concerns and bothers you, you don't turn to the chat. You're sending a question to Akshiva. What does that mean to you? This shows that you know when you need real human connection and that you don't rely on a connection with the chat's 'robot'. And that means the power is in your hands – and this referral is a step in the right direction.
Your two questions are related to each other. Both deal with your relationship with technology and the feeling that it can take over your life. You feel that if it's difficult for you to disconnect from the chat today, disconnecting from the computer in the future will be difficult. You're also not sure if it's a value worth striving for.
So let's see what's making it so difficult for you. The chat is an attractive tool, there's no doubt about that. It's appealing because, as you wrote, it provides a quick emotional response: listening, advice, answers in every possible field, and the feeling that someone is with you. This essentially fulfills a deep need for visibility, belonging, and acceptance. Sometimes it fills a void in us for stability or accessible human connection. In such situations, the brain learns that when I turn to chat, I calm down, and thus a pattern of dependence is created. That doesn't mean you're weak, it means you're looking for a way to fulfilll a legitimate need. The problem is that when the response comes from a machine, it remains external and immediate, because it will never be a substitute for human connection.
Therefore, it's worthwhile to approach this issue from this perspective – not from the standpoint of how to fight addiction, and whether I can disconnect from the computer in the future – but from the understanding that there's a need here that the chat or the computer is currently fulfilling, and why this fulfillment isn't satisfying me, or what bothers me about it.
The struggle isn't with the chat or the computer, but with your need to control digital tools without completely eliminating them. You want to make sure they don't steal your presence, inner connection, and the values you want to instill in your future home.
By the way, there are significant populations in the Western world who choose to reduce or disconnect their dependence on digital technology, for the same reasons you mentioned. They are driven by a desire to reduce the intrusion of unregulated content, be more present, and live family-oriented lives. They choose to raise their children with a strict "screen diet," understanding that unrestricted access to the internet harms concentration, imagination, learning, and the ability to form human connections.
You are probably aware of these damages, as you write that even knowing about the damage doesn't help you detach.
Your challenge, then, is not to cut back on your use of chat/the computer, but to find other ways to meet the same emotional needs: connection with others, addressing doubts and hesitations, and a sense of self-expression. Once you learn to identify what you're really looking for: Listening? Advice? Comfort? It will be much easier for you to choose options that truly empower you, rather than just provide temporary relief. Because otherwise, why would you quit something that rewards you? Thinking about the future, about the home you will build, is not enough to overcome an immediate and direct need.
So what then?
You see yourself as addicted to chat. Addiction means the brain gets used to receiving quick satisfaction and returns to it again and again. This is something that can be changed, not all at once but in small steps that give you back control over your life.
Set small boundaries for yourself – complete detachment isn't really possible. My sister tried for a long time to avoid using the internet for any purpose. At some point, she gave up – even when she physically went to the various government offices for a property tax reduction or registration at the Ministry of the Interior, she found out that she had to make an online appointment beforehand. Technology is here to stay. At most, fighting it will only postpone its entry for an additional period of time, but it will not guarantee a complete separation. Beside, the desire to disconnect completely creates disappointment and frustration with ourselves, because in a digital world it's difficult to disconnect completely. This is similar to trying to disconnect from phones or microwave ovens. The fact that our grandparents managed without them doesn't really make us want to give up using them.
Therefore, it's better to manage these tools wisely, for example, by setting specific usage hours and adjusting browsing times accordingly (most blocks have options for managing work hours). Or for example, setting a goal – I'm going in to ask question X, and once I have an answer, I stop and don't get drawn into further questions. This will give you back a sense of control over yourself. Instead of the chat managing you, you will manage it. Instead of seeing it as an enemy, see it as a tool that you decide when and how to use.
Remind yourself that what you're doing today – learning to set boundaries – is preparation for your future life, and a good personal example for the children you will have, God willing.
It's not worth thinking only about 'one day when I get married'. Your vision of a computer-free home is commendable. But by focusing on the future, you're postponing dealing with the issue.
The real challenge begins today: in learning boundaries, building an internal locus of control, and developing other sources of support. The good news is that if you learn to set boundaries for yourself now, regardless of whether you have a computer in your home or not, you will choose how to use it. This gives much more real freedom than fighting technology itself.
Ask yourself what value drives you. Your dilemma about whether or not to have a computer at home touches on a deeper question: what values do you want to hold in your home and family? If the value is cleanliness and filtering – it can also be achieved thru usage limits. If the value is the children's education – the strongest lesson they will learn will not be "there's no computer at home," but rather "my parents know how to set healthy boundaries for use." In other words, the computer isn't the problem, but rather our relationship with it.
But the main, true front is your emotional need. And that needs to be addressed.
As mentioned, the chat gives the illusion of being listened to, of having readily available connection. If you try to stop using it without finding a replacement, a void will be created that will be difficult to fill. You'll eventually come back to it, because an emotional need can't be extinguished. Therefore, it's important to think about what can fulfilll this need for you in the real world. What is your level of connection with others? With relatives? Friends? Guide, teacher?
Because in fact, even when everything around us is digital, our basic need – the feeling that others understand us, that they care, the sense that we belong to a group – remains the same. Technology hasn't fundamentally changed us and it will never succeed in doing so.
Some people find it difficult to open up emotionally to others, sometimes due to past experiences (trauma, rejection, lack of listening), sometimes due to social anxiety or shyness, and sometimes because they haven't yet found the human space where they feel safe. In this situation, the chat becomes a training ground: it listens without judgment, is always available, and there is no risk of rejection. Therefore, it provides a sense of relief, but also reinforces avoidance – because the person gets used to not dealing with the complexity of a real relationship.
The more you invest in interpersonal relationships, the less you'll feel the need to chat with the bot. Once you have the real thing in hand, the substitutes will satisfy you less and less.
But you know, you have to invest in an emotional relationship. If this area challenges you, you can use the chat for this exercise – to practice formulating feelings or preparing for a conversation with a human partner.
• You can also start with low-risk connections – light social conversations, stopping to chat with a neighbor, sharing emotions about something small and not too intimate. These are steps that exercise the social muscle, which might have atrophied a bit during the time you dedicated to 'conversations' with the chat. The more emotional refueling stations you have in the real world, the easier it will be for you to regulate your use of a digital companion.
• I recommend the option of joining a self-awareness/self-development/seminar group with girls in the age group closest to yours. Artistic activity will give you a sense of self-expression and the feeling that you are creating something tangible.
• Emotional connection doesn't just start with others, but primarily with yourself. Writing, davening, walking, dedicating quality time to yourself, etc., will fulfilll this function of listening to yourself. Writing, for example, allows for processing thoughts and emotional experiences, creating a feeling that you are listening to yourself.
• Connection is built when we are truly present with another person. This means that when we are with others – even close family members we see every day – we need to listen without distraction, put our phones aside, and be truly present.
• When you share what you're going through with others, whether it's happy, painful, or frustrating experiences, you open the door to a genuine connection. Sharing invites the other side to be close to you and not just watch you from the outside. The deepest connections are built when we dare to show our imperfect sides, when we allow ourselves to be vulnerable. Saying 'I'm confused / desperate / need help' makes the connection real and not just 'nice'.
• And of course, mutual listening and caring, which will also allow others to see you as a friend.
• Start developing awareness about this – ask yourself every time you enter a chat: Am I here to get real help or to escape some difficult feeling, from boredom to loneliness? Once you recognize moments of escape, you can fulfilll your need in better ways. Call a friend, go for a short walk, or even sit with your notebook and write. This very distinction gives you back the freedom of choice that you feel you've lost.
The key is not to fight yourself, but to learn to manage your relationship with this tool. When you feel you have a choice – whether to use it, when, and how much – from a place of strength rather than weakness, using the chat will no longer feel like an addiction but as a tool that helps you when you need it.
Much success!
