Translated from אקשיבה
My husband and I have been married for 6 years with three children.
At the beginning of our relationship, there was a lot of love, understanding, and respect between us. Over the years, I feel like my husband has become a cold person who puts me down. I am naturally a very happy, thriving, and smiling person around people, but with him, he just shuts me down. He always has a sad face, yells a lot, and uses words that put me down. He doesn't compliment me, appreciate me, respect me, pamper me, say nice words, show affection or warmth. He's not interested in the relationship, he's always on his phone. Even when I tell him about the things that bother me, he doesn't take them to heart, saying that's just how he is. It really bothers me that even around people, you can see his reluctance and impatient way of speaking to me. I don't know anymore if there's any love left between us or if we're just together. I really miss the courtship, the pampering, the kind words, the appreciation, the encouragement.
I feel like a different person around him, and with other people, I'm truly myself – a happy, laughing, fun person. How can I change all of this? How can I save this relationship? Because for me, it's already one step away from the end.
Answer:
You write that at the beginning of the relationship, there was a lot of love, understanding, and respect between you and your husband. But over the years, your husband has become a cold person who extinguishes you.
You write that by nature you are a very happy, flourishing, and also smiling person – around people, but your husband really dims you. Always with a sad face, a lot of yelling. Not flattering, not appreciative, not respectful, and not pampering.
You deserve light, love, and joy. You deserve good words, respectful words. You deserve to be a desirable, valued, and loved woman.
So what do we do now? When a dark cloud scatters murky rain over your shared space?
You write that you want to save the relationship. And that's very special to me. That statement shows maturity and an understanding that you have responsibility for this relationship.
In the following lines, I will present you with a direction for thot that may be a bit challenging to read (especially in a world where it's easy to advise breaking up a relationship). But you wrote that you want to save your relationship. So, if my words reach your heart, it might be a good direction to bring back the happiness that was lost in your marital space.
I believe so, you have the ability to change the situation.
And how do I know? Thanks to two reasons you detailed in your inquiry, and an additional reason rooted in what I know about romantic relationships.
And I'll begin.
The first reason I believe you have the ability to change the situation is because you were in love in the past. In other words, in your system, in the respiratory system that connects you, there is a foundation of love, understanding, and respect. Over time, your connection pipe has filled with bad (and even toxic) substances, but the underlying infrastructure itself has the capacity for both of you to maintain a loving and respectful connection. Although this ability has been somewhat shaken and covered in sand, dust, and perhaps even a little rust. But it exists, and with the right work, it will hopefully function again.
The second reason I wholeheartedly believe you have the ability to change the situation is because when you write next to other people, you are a happy, laughing, and fun person. In other words, your personal system has wonderful energies that have the power to heal relationships.
And the third reason I believe you have the ability to heal your relationship is because of what I know and believe about relationships in general, and about coupledom in particular, which I will elaborate on in the following lines.
A relationship between two people is a dynamic.
Dynamics is the relationship between two objects in motion. You both create and react within the relationship.
Now, from what you're describing, you're in a loop. A negative and unenjoyable loop.
He turns off – and you turn off.
He doesn't appreciate you – and you're suffering.
You share what bothers you – and he ignores it.
But you're asking to "save the relationship." In other words, you want to stop this negative dynamic.
And you can.
A relationship between two people, and even more so in a partnership, and especially in a partnership built on love, understanding, and respect, is just like the equation x+y=z.
If one of the factors, for example, x, changes, regardless of whether y remains constant, the result will necessarily change.
If you get out of this loop, the couple's space will begin to heal.
I'll share with you that since I was exposed to this approach, which believes in our ability to change relationships, I decided to try and apply it on a few occasions, and I couldn't believe the results that changed.
I replaced contempt with appreciation, criticism with a kind eye, and alienation with friendship, and the relationship miraculously changed.
Right. A strained relationship between a man and a woman calls for deep work. It's not easy and it won't happen overnight, but yes, we have the ability to change.
One partner within a relationship (provided there is no physical violence, infidelity, or addiction, which are extreme situations requiring significant change from the other side) has the real ability to change the marital space. As we said, when one factor in the equation changes, the result changes.
So what do we actually do?
The primary element to bring back warmth and love to a relationship is "do it yourself first." You write that you really miss being pampered, appreciated, and encouraged. You're currently expecting him to give. You tried and said it didn't work. It's time to start filling yourself up.
When we enter the couple's space emotionally empty, especially during a shaky stage of the relationship, nothing good can grow.
Want your relationship to start flourishing?
Start taking care of yourself. Go out with friends, buy yourself some clothes, and most importantly, go buy yourself a beautiful notebook that makes you happy and start writing down every day points of light that you love about yourself on a physical level, on a character level (I am creative, I have a good heart, I am intelligent), and on a behavioral level (I put the children to bed peacefully, I baked a wonderful cake, I excelled at work).
Instead of focusing on the absence and the lack, start taking care of yourself to fill that void.
Make sure to buy a beautiful notebook that will make you happy, and every day wash your heart with kind words about yourself.
So for a whole month. Without cutting corners.
After two weeks of filling a notebook full of points of light about you, continue to make sure to fill in the points of light that are in you, but at the same time, go buy another beautiful and decorated notebook, and in it, write down points of light and good that you find in your husband. What do you still love about him? What did he do today that made you feel good? What do you appreciate about him? Once you've trained your eye to look at yourself positively, you'll start looking at it with a good and positive eye. It's not what he *doesn't* give, but what he *does* give.
And here's the challenge: for a whole month, make sure you do these two tasks every single day. After personal and internal strengthening (physical treats that make you feel good, and kind words you say to yourself every single day), and a positive outlook on your man (kind words you write about him), comes the third stage:
Start sharing with him the good things you see in him. In the language of couple's work, we call the section of good words you say to him "models," from the word "medals."
Start saying out loud what you've been writing down for yourself in your notebook for a month. Good points that you see in him and appreciate.
For a month, I was truly in a state of 'modeling': I made sure the medals were genuine, that they stemmed from inner belief (fake and external medals have no effect).
What I'm offering you here today is not easy work. But unfortunately, getting divorced (especially with children) or living in such great pain when the relationship is faltering and empty is much more difficult.
I'm offering you a path here that requires investment and seriousness, but if you dedicate yourself to it and persevere, I believe good things will begin to emerge and appear in your home.
