The kids are really begging for smartphones this Chanuka, but we all know there are potential risks. In lieu of purchasing your child a smartphone, perhaps consider any of these safer alternatives:
A jar of meth: Less addictive than a phone, and they might just clean the house while they're up for 72 hours straight.
Measles: Painful, but odds are pretty good they'll recover.
A real guillotine: Aw, look at the kids playing "French Revolution."
Bag of broken glass: Safer AND cheaper.
Starving pet lion: Make the wise choice for your kids. Buy a lion.
Gilbert U-238 Atomic Energy Lab Playset with radioactive uranium ore: It will poison them much slower than a phone.
A completely black outfit to wear when they bike on the street at night: Incredibly, still safer than a smartphone. Head for the freeway, kiddos.
Suicide bomber vest: As long as they don't press the red button.
גדול המחטיאו יותר מן ההורגו!!!
