From a recent article by a Rabbi of a community in upper Manhattan:
"An interesting turn of terminology has developed among a segment of this population. I have heard young men—and some women—describe themselves as shomer biah (refraining from sexual intercourse) rather than shomer negiah (refraining from all forms of physical intimacy, even touch, as Halacha requires), or simply not shomer negiah. Although at first glance this terminology would seem to present a severe hashkafic problem, something that runs counter to Torah values, it may actually impact favorably on the young people involved. Defining oneself as maintaining some boundaries, even if they’re clearly nonhalachic boundaries, is clearly preferable to having no boundaries at all."
"Although at first glance this terminology would seem to present a severe hashkafic problem ..." - Not only at first glance but at second glance, at third glance and every glance forward. Not only a hashkafa problem, but a halacha problem, a self control problem, an emunah in Hashem problem, an emunah in schar vi-onesh problem, a using of the other gender to satisfy one's lust problem, LOTS of problems. Not just an "interesting turn of terminology" but a wanton destruction of one's very spiritual foundation - קלקול היסוד.
Imagine someone would say to his wife "Darling, I fool around with other women all the time [like your married friends Rina and Sheina and Mindy (no offense to all the Rinas, Sheinas and Mindys in the audience) - I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't mention this to their husbands - I see them in shul and it would be awfully uncomfortable if they knew about this], but I am shomer biah, so don't worry about it." That is the END of their relationship [unless he stops cold turkey right then and there - and that is after she becomes furious with him, cries uncontrollably and six marriage counselors and tens of thousands of dollars later].
Yes, loose boundaries are better than none, but purposefully transgressing such a serious issur as קירבה לעריות is an incredibly lamentable situation.
Says Rabbeinu Yonah about such people:
ועתה בינה שמעה זאת, כי הוא עיקר גדול. אמת כי יש מן הצדיקים שנכשלים בחטא לפעמים, כענין שנאמר (קהלת ז, כ): "כי אדם אין צדיק בארץ אשר יעשה טוב ולא יחטא", אכן כובשים את יצרם מאת פניהם, ואם יפלו בחטא פעם אחת לא ישנו לו, ונקוטו בפניהם, וחוזרים בתשובה. אך כל אשר אינו נזהר מחטא ידוע ואינו מקבל על נפשו להשמר ממנו, גם אם הוא מהעונות הקלים, אף על פי שהוא נזהר מכל העבירות שבתורה, קראוהו חכמי ישראל (חולין ד, ב) "מומר לדבר אחד", ואת פושעים נמנה, וגדול עונו מנשוא. כי אם אמור יאמר העבד לרבו: כל אשר תאמר אלי אעשה זולתי דבר אחד - כבר שבר עול אדוניו מעליו, והישר בעיניו יעשה, ועל הענין הזה נאמר (דברים כז, כו): "ארור אשר לא יקים את דברי התורה הזאת לעשות אותם" - ביאורו, אשר לא יקבל על נפשו לקיים כל דברי התורה מראש ועד סוף, ויורה על זה "אשר לא יקים לעשות", ולא אמר "אשר לא יעשה אותם".
Nothing less than a rejection of Malchus Shomayim. A מומר לדבר אחד. A partial apostate. He brings a Divine curse upon himself ח"ו.
The Rabbi who wrote this article is a fine Jew and Talmid Chochom. Maybe he can start a series of shiurim in his shul addressing this problem - like they have in the Five Towns such a Chabura.
