Much has been made about the student protesters occupying spaces on college campuses recently -- but what do these masked, wanna-be revolutionaries actually want? We have obtained the following list of completely reasonable demands being made by students occupying campus buildings:
Later bedtimes: And no more naps!
For the Jews to just stand still, surrender, and agree to be eradicated: And no defending themselves. That's not fair.
No accountability or consequences for anything they do or say at any point in their lives: Obviously.
Several pints of Ben & Jerry's "From the River to the Sea, Palestine Will Be Free" Pistachio Ice Cream: Freeing the people of Gaza one scoop at a time.
That campus be designated a gun-free, banana-free, and Jew-free zone: It's just common sense.
An extra 30 minutes of screen time on weekends: Schindler's List is a long movie, okay?
The total dismantling of all Western society and also some Pop-Tarts: Frosted strawberry and the complete end of the Western world. Delicious.
As soon as these demands are met, the protesters have agreed to keep rooting for the destruction of Israel and America, but back in their dorm rooms. Your move, University President!
