TEHRAN — Following the death of one of its prominent national leaders, the Iran government confirmed today that they are interviewing several new bearded genocidal psychopaths to replace its deceased president.
Despite the death of President Ebrahim Raisi, the Iranian regime assured its people and the world that it had already compiled an extensive list of ruthless, turban-wearing men with beards as candidates to serve in his place.
"No need to worry, we've got a full supply of extremist bearded mass-murderers in the lineup," said a spokesman for the Iranian government. "Though the tragic helicopter crash robbed us of one of our finest turban-wearing bearded killers, we have a long line of robed Islamic extremists waiting to fill the position."
Bearded, turban-wearing hopefuls lined up around the block at the House of Leadership in Tehran in hopes of being granted an interview for the job. "This is my dream job," said one robed, bearded, dead-eyed man waiting in line. "I have spent many years studying and preparing for the opportunity to serve in the government and advance the cause of our people and Islam. Though the death of President Raisi was sad - he was a saint and a martyr Blessed Be Allah - I am ready to carry on the tradition of murdering my own people and calling for the death of America."
The government spokesman said the first round of interviews would be completed within a week, followed by a rigorous, multi-step process to select the new president. "Whoever our next president is, you can be sure he'll have a beard," he said. "And he'll be a psychopath who hates Jews. Of course he will have to have extensive experience in mass murder and have mastered torture techniques. His wives, concubines and daughters will be part of the interview process and of course it is expected that he knocks them around when they get out of order - or when they don't. Women have to know that they are subservient to men. Blessed Be Allah. But they need not have beards."
