KYIV — In a televised address, President Volodymyr Zelensky[y] of Ukraine claimed to have survived a harrowing assassination attempt and would be happy to disclose the thrilling details for a paltry 45 billion dollars.
"I almost died," Zelensky reported. "And for the low price of 45 billion dollars, I will tell you all about it."
"I promise you, it's very exciting!"
The White House confirmed that President Biden telephoned Zelensky - wearing a tee-shirt and sweat suit - immediately, eager for the gritty details, but could not pry further information from Zelensky.
"I'd love to tell you, comrade, but I'm afraid news about my assassination attempt is exclusive to Zelensky Plus members," the Ukrainian president said. "Please wire me $45 billion and I swear you will not be disappointed. It is RIVETING! You and Jill will have the time of your life hearing about it. Makes the assassination attempt of Ronald Reagan look boring in comparison."
World leaders are torn on whether or not to believe Zelensky, but agree the story is likely too juicy to ignore.
"I simply must know," French President Emmanuel Macron commented. "Even if it means bankrupting France, there's no way I'm getting cut out of this story. Money is no issue."
He added, "I better get in fast to avoid spoilers!"
At publishing time, President Biden ordered the U.S. Department of the Treasury to print more money so he could buy into what was sure to be the story of a lifetime.
