Dedicated to you know who you are with whom I recently discussed forgiveness after your friend hurt you so badly.
From somewhere on the world wide web...
Is there a psychological, even a physical benefit to forgiveness? Studies show that there are. Forgiveness has been associated with all of the following:
1. lower heart rate and blood pressure
2. Greater relief from stress
3. Decrease in medication use
4. improved sleep quality and decrease in fatigue
5. decreased physical complaints such as aches and pains
6. Reduction in depressive symptoms
7. Strengthened spirituality
8. Better conflict management
9. Improved relationships (not just with the offending party but in other relationships as well)
10. Increase in purposeful, altruistic behaviors
So, are you holding on to anger? Is there someone that you are “punishing” by choosing not to forgive? Why not let go of the bitterness and start enjoying all of the above. It takes practice and effort to forgive, but it is well worth it in the long run (spiritually, physically, and psychologically.)
Sources:
Karremans JC, Van Lange PA, Holland RW. Forgiveness and its associations with prosocial thinking, feeling, and doing beyond the relationship with the offender. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, October 2005.
Lawler KA, Younger JW, Piferi RL, Billington E, Jobe R, Edmondson K, Jones WH. A change of heart: cardiovascular correlates of forgiveness in response to interpersonal conflict. Journal of Behavioral Medicine, Octover 2003.
Lawler KA, Younger JW, Piferi RL, Jobe RL, Edmondson KA, Jones WH. The unique effects of forgiveness on health: an exploration of pathways. Journal of Behavioral Medicine, April 2005.
I must add a point. One is not obligated to forgive unless the offending party asks. But upon being asked sincerely one is OBLIGATED to forgive if one is able. I once knew [yeeears back] an otherwise fine gentleman who in addition to his many emotional difficulties refused to forgive on principal. "I don't believe in that" he once told me on Yom Kippur. The degree of anger which he held on to was of a tremendous magnitude. He was wounded and scarred but wouldn't let go. I haven't seen him for years so maybe in the interim he sought out therapy and learned to forgive. The halacha commands us to forgive for our own benefit in addition to the benefit of the forgiven.
Something I personally struggle with is the feeling of pain from those who purposely hurt me but refuse to ask for forgiveness. I could try to forgive such people but halachically it might well not work [we discussed this in our series of shiurim on hilchos teshuva on yutorah] and it is VERY DIFFICULT to do. Unfortunately the people who did the worst are often the least likely to ask for forgiveness while the very minor offenders [the person who accidentally bumped into me or didn't answer an email until a day later] will apologize in a flash.
The deeper one level of sensitivity, the deeper the pain and the harder it is to forgive. I imagine this is something with which just about every ben or bas aliya struggles.
Who hasn't been hurt??
