Monday, August 15, 2016

Diary Entry #15 - Reflections On Honor And Its Flip Side

The sefarim talk about the dangers of pursuing kavod. I hope that I am not guilty of that infraction in my life. If I am then teshuva beckons. 

However, I have been presented with an interesting nisayon. I have [for better or more likely for worse] received a great deal of undeserved kavod in my life. I will not go into detail and give examples but suffice it to say that the average person my age has not received nearly as much kavod as I have and I have already gotten more than most people will get in an entire lifetime. It is undeserved and based on a mistaken presumption that I am a Talmid Chochom. The best way to verify that this is a mistake would be to test me and to see how little I know. But nobody bothers doing that....

Anyway, what this has generated is a very interesting psychological reaction. When people disrespect me, I am acutely sensitive. Putting aside psychobabble, I would say that it hurts terribly. I don't think less of myself because people don't have respect for me - that is their problem not mine - but it combines with other painful events that I have had the zchus of experiencing to sting very, very sharply. 

I can't go into detail because I have good reason to believe that this diary is public but suffice it to say that it happens often and doesn't stop hurting despite my habituation. The Tzadikim THANK HASHEM AND ASK HIM for bizyonos but I am not on that level. 

My avodah is to take it  - not as the Goyim say "like a man" - but "like a Yid", with love and appreciation for the opportunity it affords me to grow and define myself. As long as I let others define me, I am lost. I know who I am and what I am [at least to a certain extent] and others opinions of me, be them favorable or otherwise, and others ways of relating to me, should not change that one iota.   

So, I have to look heavenward and say "HASHEM - PLEASE SEND ME MORE!!!"