Never Lose Hope

From the Jewish Press

After discussing this with my husband, because we are extremely private people who do not publicly draw attention to ourselves, my husband saw how deeply I felt about this, agreed, to send this letter in hopes that everyone would read it and for the chizuk it may impart to those who are on the brink of despair.
We come from chassidishe stock so my husband and I got married very young. I was not quite eighteen and he was just a year older. From the first date, we both knew that we were meant for each other. We married and were unbelievably happy.
When the first year passed and I was not pregnant my parents and in-laws began to look askance and suggested that I go to a doctor to see why. Both my husband and I decided not to.
When three years went by and I still did not have a baby, the parents/in-laws insisted I go to a doctor. So, finally I did. My sister’s doctor, after examining me and doing a sonogram, informed me, sadly, I probably would never be able to have a child because my ovaries were badly deformed. So, I went home to face the music, thinking that my marriage was over.
When I told my husband what was wrong and that I understood if he wanted to give me a get, he took both my hands away from my weeping face and said the only way he would leave me, is if I became a widow!
Our love for each other was so strong, and his love for Hashem, who willed it that we should remain childless, and still stay together.
When we told our parents, they insisted that a get should be given so that at least my husband could have children, but he silenced everyone and said this was between Hashem and us and until Hashem wanted otherwise, we would pray and shed tears until He changed this decree.
They finally left us alone, and we became the childless couple that stood out like a sore thumb at family gatherings and simchos. The years went by and no matter what we tried or how much we wept and pleaded with the Heavens, nothing changed.
What did change was the depth of our love for each other, the respect and devotion we gave to one another. That love became greater and deeper as the years passed.
We had been married eighteen years when my husband decided to ask for a special bracha from a gadol hador who came to our town before Rosh Hashana. When the gadol saw my husband, he rose from his seat and walked toward him and said loudly for all to hear “I have been waiting for you.”
It seems that a very special young couple had been in a terrible car crash and left behind their six-week-old baby daughter who had Down syndrome.
The very night of the crash the gadol had a vision of this but also was given a vision of a young man who was coming to him for a bracha for children.
It was my husband whom he saw in his dream. My husband immediately said we would take this baby and raise it with all the love that Hashem implanted in our hearts.
When my husband came home and told me this, I wept for joy to know that Hashem had chosen us to love this poor little soul. This was surely the reason why we were childless, because this little angel would need 100% of our attention and love.
All the arrangements to bring the baby to us was taken care of and I was holding this beautiful, pitiful little orphan to my heart two nights later.
It’s strange to what degree you can blind yourself to the shortcomings of someone you’ve been waiting to love for such a long time but my husband and I didn’t notice her physical signs which were quite minor.
We both immersed ourselves in the task of being the best parents on the planet. Little Geulah grew, laughing and singing and spreading joy that filled our hearts and our home.
One day, as I was reading my three-year-old little girl a story with her head in my lap, she turned to me and said “Mommy, I feel the baby kicking in your belly!” she was laughing and rubbing my stomach and I almost couldn’t get her to stop.
But she wouldn’t stop talking about ‘the baby in Mommy’s belly’ even after my husband came home from shiur and was putting her into bed. All we could do was look at each other.
Could it be so farfetched to think that Hashem was once again sending us another neshama from His special stock? I was feeling fine, no symptoms or anything to even remotely believe this.
My husband insisted I take a pregnancy test just to be sure that this wasn’t our little girl’s imagination at play. The next morning, test in hand, I greeted my husband when he returned from Shachris. We were, indeed, pregnant. I spent the whole day with my little Geulah, dancing and singing and saying Tehillim in thanks to the great goodness of Hashem.
At the time of the test I was forty-four years old, forty-five when our twin sons were born and the miracles kept coming.
In the next five years I birthed two more children. My special child who never lost her connection to her Heavenly Father always knew about our miracles before we did.
She was a great older sister who helped me care for her brothers and sisters with an unearthly love and devotion. We were so blessed, and we thanked Hashem every day for Geulah and the miracles she brought with her.
I am 83 now. Geulah was called back to her Maker thirteen years ago. She passed peacefully in her sleep. It was as if she knew she had fulfilled her task on this earth and so she kissed me before she went to bed, asked me to sit by her bed as she said ‘Shema,’ smiled at me and said “thank you for being the best Mommy and Totty in the world.”
I had a strange feeling the room was full of neshomos who had come to escort her ‘back home,’ but I didn’t want to make it harder for her to leave so I just kissed her, hugged her extra hard and walked out of the room before she would see the tears pour down my face.
In the kitchen, my husband was weeping. Together, we mourned the passing of our special child as she was leaving her earthly surroundings.
The reason I write this letter is because there are miracles all around us. If we place our love, trust and faith in Hashem, if we believe that there is nothing greater than Him in the universe, if it be His will, then you will be showered with His blessings and understand that He is ever present in our lives, in our world and in our hearts. And nothing is impossible!!
Thank you for letting me share my story with the many who have lost hope.