PHOENIX, AZ — Attendees at AmFest, a four-day event held at the Phoenix Convention Center, nearly had their eardrums ruptured Thursday after conservative podcaster Ben Shapiro delivered a blistering 3-hour speech in just 17 seconds.
Shapiro, who delivered a speech about charlatans and grifters infiltrating the conservative movement and the need to stand against them, seemingly zapped his entire 3-hour speech into the minds of listeners in just 17 seconds like an advanced alien communicating telepathically. Camera footage, however, confirmed that Shapiro did move his lips in a manner consistent with human speech.
During the speech, a fire alarm was triggered, as the speed of Shapiro's lips set fire to the podium he was standing at. Witnesses fled the scene in haste, missing out on Tucker Carlson's later rebuke of Shapiro for "talking like some sort of weird Jew."
"Only Jews talk like that. Have you noticed that? I'm an American!" Tucker Carlson said to near absolute silence later in the evening. "He told me to be reasonable and stop pushing anti-American talking points, but that's blood libel. And that's a fact!"
According to sources, a lot of people agreed with Shapiro's talking points, but were forced to leave early when the amount of information entering their brains became too much to handle. "It's too much! I can't — I think my brain is bleeding," said one audience member. "My feelings can't handle the power of his facts."
For his part, Shapiro said he wished he had slowed his speech down just a little so that more people could understand him. "I can't really blame Tucker Carlson for lying about the content of my speech," he said. "He's not smart enough to understand me at my full strength. There are few who can."
Megyn Kelly told the crowd that her long-running friendship with Shapiro reached a breaking point after his attacks on her. “I object to the whole thing. Ben and I, he had the nerve to call me a friend right before he called me a despicable coward for not calling out the people he wants called out. So he both wants to parent me and be my child,” Kelly said. “He wants to tell me what I have to do and who I have to say what to. And then when I don’t, he and some of his friends want to act like utter victims because I won’t do what they say. They need me. I have to be their daddy and step in to protect them.”
Kelly said she no longer considers Shapiro a friend, adding that after years of supporting his career, he had no standing to dictate her speech or publicly attack her. She added: "Plus, I found out that married Orthodox Jewish men are not allowed to be friends with women, so in the interest of maintaining Ben's religious integrity our friendship is OVER!! KAPUT!!"
At publishing time, Candace Owens planned to balance the scales on day 2 of the event by delivering a 17-second speech over the course of three hours.
