I've been struggling with davening for years, and actually, as I try to articulate this now, I see that it's also part of an Emunah problem for me. I feel like I know and recognize God, but most of the time it stays in my knowledge; I can't connect my emotions and my desire to serve Him in the daily actions I take. I understand that this is part of a great process I need to go through, but I just can't find myself doing it. I'm sure this is such a big and complex topic, but maybe there's a little bit of knowledge and guidance that can connect me? Perhaps if I truly knew and understood the essence and importance of davening, my body would want to persevere and invest in it out of desire, not out of obligation?
Answer:
The concept of אמונה - "faith" encompasses many details. אמונה comes from the root word "אמן". This root indicates many things, such as stability, verifying something as true, and, above all, trust. To have complete faith in the Creator of the world.
But if we examine it deeply, we will discover that ultimately, faith is our personal process with God, with the truth and falsehood within us. It's definitely a long and deep process. Right, there are the basic rules that are the starting point, and without which you can't do anything. The knowledge that the Holy One, Blessed be He, created reality and manages it according to His will, and that all His actions are based on mercy, loving-kindness, justice, and so on. But the way to internalize these truths and live by them is the deep process of faith. This process is personal and individual for everyone.
It's not for nothing that God doesn't interfere in the personal process we go through, but rather allows us to experience it personally; this is what is called free will. Because the process of faith is the way to reach a deep understanding and recognition of the Creator of the world. The way we cleanse the false parts within us builds stability and complete trust in the Creator of the world.
The Holy One, blessed be He, presents us in the Torah with several models according to which we can go through this process in depth. "And he believed in Hashem, and He counted it to him for righteousness" – Avraham our father succeeded in reaching a state of complete and absolute faith. "And they believed Hashem and in Moshe His servant".
Your very question shows that you are deeply immersed in the profound process of faith.
Avraham our father asked the Holy One, "How will I know that I will inherit it?" He didn't hesitate to ask, but he didn't ask out of doubt in God's words, but out of a desire to understand. And of this it is said, "And he believed in Hashem." Within a deep process into the depths of the soul, there are the less pleasant parts of inner turmoil, of seemingly lacking understanding or ability, and especially, the confusion, which sometimes makes things difficult. The stumbles that are sometimes related... The basic point is: don't break. Knowing that this is part of the process.
One of the secrets to going through such a process is: learning to accept yourself. Stop being judgmental toward yourself, treat yourself with more empathy and compassion. Just as wonderful as this is, so did God create you, so does He want you to be! Right, you need to upgrade certain qualities, deal with certain emotions, progress, and be better than yesterday, but still. Our basic software is excellent.
It's easy to judge ourselves and be harshly critical of ourselves, to accept criticism and judgment from society and internalize it within us – it's easy, very easy. You don't need to make an effort for that. But stopping these murky waves, treating ourselves with empathy and compassion, clearing away criticism and judgment, and allowing ourselves to fail and succeed, is not easy. But this is work, and its great reward is waiting.
And unequivocally, in my opinion, this is an integral part of the deep process of faith. After all, the great foundation of faith is to know that the Holy One, blessed be He, is one, and everything is from Him and His, and everything He created is precise and correct. And why shouldn't that include us? We are no less the creation of the Almighty than any other creature in the world! We are, in fact, the highest beings that God created. And however He created us, it's perfect!! This includes you, me, and everyone else. But, God created us so that we would improve ourselves and move forward. So we can start from a certain point, each person from their own starting point, and reach a higher point, and again, each person from their own point.
Empathy and compassion should also be extended to our failings, not just toward successes. It's easy to empathize with success, but it's much more challenging to empathize with a failure. I am currently in another process where I am trying to quit smoking. This time I have more hope, for a simple reason. From the outset, I approach this with empathy, even toward mistakes. I know in advance that there's a good chance I'll stumble and smoke a cigarette or two, and I know in advance that this will be part of the process. It's not a failure of the process, it's just another step. It seems there was something I wasn't precise about, and here the failure revealed to me that very point where I need more accuracy. I approach the stumble with empathy and compassion from the outset. This is how we should treat ourselves in general, throughout the entire process of faith, and so on.
Tfilla is our channel of communication with God. At the highest stage of prayer, for those who reach a certain level, communication truly comes to fruition. The person will experience God or the Divine Presence, etc. But the process up to that point is like faith, a deep personal process that a person must go through. A process of deep self-cleansing. Prayer has ten forms of expression: (שוועה, צעקה, נאקה, רינה, פגיעה, ביצור, קריאה, ניפול, פילול ותחנונים). Every language is one facet of that deep process of self-purification. A process in which, in the end, those who are truly worthy will speak with the Creator of the world.
I highly recommend starting to study the book "אגרות צפון" by our teacher, Rabbi Samson Raphael Hirsch, of blessed memory. This will give you a deep understanding of what Judaism wants in general, and about faith and more.
The processes of faith and prayer are very personal. But I will write you some tips that can help you find your way and progress and succeed in it, God willing.
First of all, write down how you see the concept of faith/prayer. Write simple and concise definitions.
Second step, describe to yourself, in words of course, what stage in your faith/prayer seems to be the highest possible point for you. What does the place where you want to be in terms of faith/prayer look like?
Third step, try to isolate the components of that wonderful place. For example: My peak of faith is the ability to accept what happens to me without any questions at all. From this I can deduce: complete and absolute trust. Clear knowledge that everything God does is only for good, even if it seems bad. In short: what are the components of faith/prayer for you?
Third step, choose the easiest component from among them, isolate its parts if it has any, and start working on that. Don't start with the heavy and difficult ingredients.
Another way is to find the point where faith/prayer comes to you easily and joyfully. Even a small amount. Check what makes up the easy and the joy. And try to amplify and strengthen these components. And see how you can take these good ingredients and apply them to other situations.
But... Do the entire process out of desire, out of self-compassion and empathy, not out of judgment and certainly not out of guilt. Do it with joy and passion for renewal, transcendence, and progress. Focusing on the positive and as little as possible on the negative.
The curses in the Torah portion of Ki Tavo, the AriZal writes, are "because you did not serve the Lord your God with joy and a glad heart." If there is no joy and fun in serving God, it is possible to reach a state of curses. But joy and goodheartedness lead to blessings.
There are enough people who will judge us, at least we will treat ourselves with compassion, empathy, and love. And from this, we will serve the Creator of the world, and merit to reach the great peak – the coming of the Moshiach and redemption.
