Translated from אקשיבה
I've been married for 6 years and am the mother of 3 wonderful children. My husband is a dear man. gentle, sensitive, God-fearing with a good heart.
My difficulty is in the communication between us.
It's very difficult for me that he doesn't see my daily struggles with work, studies, maintaining the house, and raising three little ones under the age of 5. He can come to me complaining, "Why isn't the house tidy?" And when I explain to him that I haven't sat down for a moment's rest, he says, "I didn't blame you!"
The truth is, he doesn't see me.
I am a very deep and sensitive woman, both to myself and to others. And I'm looking for a respectful and pleasant connection. It's very important to me to have that end-of-day conversation where he asks and shows interest, "How was your day?" If I come home tired, he could say, "Maybe go upstairs and rest a bit, I'll be with the kids," or "I'll make you some coffee right now."
Basically, to see me throughout this whole process called a relationship!!
It's been years since I've felt butterflies and excitement. Is this normal? Is this how I'm supposed to feel? Such dryness?
This loneliness is hard for me.
I'll mention and say that I'm really flowing, accepting, and understanding of him, even though he's an emotionally closed-off man. So, I often tell him in detail what I want and what will make me feel good. For example: "I would have been really happy if you had offered me a cup of coffee too." "It would make me happy if you gave me a gift for the holiday."
It would really help me mentally if at the end of the day you asked me, "How was your day, my dear wife?" And he hears but doesn't do it. And I am in a chasm of dryness and loneliness.
We get into a lot of fights and arguments because of this.
Arguments like, "You're so self-absorbed!! You don't see me."
I don't live on a deserted island; I see basic communication and relationships between couples. I see my married brothers and sisters, and I see the encouragement, support, and empathy that I always dreamed of receiving.
I keep watching, I keep getting disappointed. Should I stop watching? Isn't that something basic a woman should receive? I know that if I stop watching automatically, I'll have an emotional disconnect from him. Like a wall, a defense mechanism.
What else can be done?
Answer:
Thank you for your inquiry. I read your words and truly felt the appreciation you have for your husband (he is a dear, gentle, sensitive, God-fearing man with a good heart), alongside the deep pain you described. You wrote that you have peak moments together, yet you also wrote that you feel a lack of communication. Would you like your husband to offer you 'gestures'? You want him to see you, to see the effort you've put in, to be interested in your feelings, to make you a cup of coffee, to write you a letter.
Allow me to share two ideas that might offer you a fresh perspective on relationships.
A relationship between a man and a woman is a dynamic. It is mobile and changing. From your inquiry, I understand that you are seeking to change the dynamic between you. To bring more sensitivity and perhaps even romance into the space. That's your goal. However, let's examine together how you have advanced that same (important and necessary) goal until today. You did what you saw at school, and perhaps also what was done to you as a child. You taught him. You came with the approach that you know how to treat a woman properly and correctly, and what would make you happy, and you told him what was right for you (you wrote that you often tell him in detail what you want and what would make you feel good). Your sweet and sincere appeal is so instructive that it simply doesn't work. This detailed instruction doesn't work. It doesn't cause him to "improve his actions."
So what do we do?
I want to share with you three types of dynamics that exist in a relationship.
The first two dynamics are essentially types of automatisms that many couples are conditioned into, and they are prevalent in the relationships we see around us. And if you're not paying attention and just doing the work, you can easily get sucked into them. These dynamics are not equitable. In these dynamics, one of the partners has a certain perception of superiority (and perhaps even condescension) within the relationship.
And I will explain.
The first dynamic is the dynamic between a mother and child. In such a relationship, the woman assumes a position of superiority over her man and seeks to "correct" the "rebellious child" in her husband. This could also be in the form of a commander and a subordinate, or even a woman who takes on the role of the "mashgiach ruchani": waking him up for davening, scolding him about managing the Shabbos table, and generally explaining to him how to behave correctly.
Such a relationship, where the woman is in a position of superiority over the man, automatically turns him into a child. And what does a child do when they are told how to behave? Is he in a hurry to improve his actions? I think the answer is clear. A child doesn't like being educated, being taught, and not even if all sorts of beneficial techniques or pedagogies are used. When a man feels his wife is trying to "educate" him, he will often shut his ears and his heart, and the result of this is, as you describe, a lot of loneliness and pain.
Once a woman is in a position of superiority and seeks to "fix" her man, the man, like a child, evades, disappears, or becomes silent. His wife, in his experience, becomes "mother" or "teacher" and that's it; no amount of words or lectures will help – he's already gone.
Another dynamic is that of a father and daughter, a woman who acts out of 'neediness', constantly seeking approval, waiting for him to come, waiting for him to act, waiting for him to manage, to do, like a child clinging to her father. In such a dynamic, we see the man avoiding and disappearing. In a movement that seeks to break free from "that girl on his neck," I won't dwell on this version of the relationship because I think it's less relevant to you.
The third dynamic – and this is the desired dynamic – is an equitable dynamic. of a man and a woman, male and female. In such a relationship, there is reciprocity. No one is superior to another. There's no mother and child here, or father and daughter, but a man and a woman in a nurturing relationship.
Do you remember during your engagement, or after your wedding, the gestures he made to "win your heart"? What was there?
I don't know you, but with most healthy couples (I'm talking about a normal and healthy relationship, which from what you wrote seems to be your relationship), the initial period of the relationship was characterized by a lot of excitement, joy, and courtship.
How do you get back there? We reposition ourselves. We part ways with the position of "corrector." Your role is not to educate your husband, and even if you tell him a hundred more times what would make you happy, in the same instructive and teaching manner – it won't work. Just not. When you say that, the message that automatically comes across from you is one of positioning yourself above him, as in, "I will make you understand." And at that very moment, he becomes a child just waiting for you to finish the "conversation" so he can get back to his own affairs.
You're writing about your husband, saying he's gentle (!) sensitive (!) and he has a good heart (!). These are amazing qualities! Apparently, this is a man who wants to make his wife the happiest person in the world! Something went wrong along the way, and as I wrote before, if we're not aware of the work required of us in the couple's space, we automatically adopt incorrect dynamics in the relationship, which initially lead to small problems, but over the years, create a distance and even severe alienation.
So what do we do now?
I want to share an interesting experiment that a friend of mine conducted. She took three pieces of rice and placed them on three separate plates. The first piece smiled every day and said kind and uplifting words. The second rice bowl frowned every day and offered a lot of criticism, and the third piece of rice – she ignored it.
So for several days.
What happened in the end is what's easy to imagine happening. The illuminated piece – remained in its best condition. The angry piece – began to rot, and the piece that was ignored – completely spoiled.
What is illuminated grows. If you want romantic and joyful gestures, start looking for them in your husband's behavior. You wrote that he is sensitive, gentle, and kind. Meaning, you are receiving what you need in this space, start illuminating these places. Show him some appreciation for the good things he does for you. Instead of telling him how he should behave and focusing on what he's not yet, start focusing on what he is. Look for good gestures he makes and make a big deal out of them. Expand on them, focus on them, and tell him how happy you were when he did such and such. Go back to being a desirable woman who sees her husband's virtues and the good things he brings to her life.
What is illuminated grows. Focusing on what is, what exists, what is good, and what is light will bring you back to the dynamics of a man and a woman. And a man like that, as you describe the one you've found, will only seek to make you even happier.
Fire the 'mother' that comes out of you when he doesn't act the way you think he should, and replace the 'mother' with a woman who sees the 'yes' in her husband, the good parts of him.
I hope my words find their way to your heart.
