My wife is a medical student, a serious and intelligent woman with a kind heart, and she's an amazing mother to our children.
But we have a lot of difficulties that I will now elaborate on. Over the years, we've gone through very difficult times, excessive arguments with constant verbal abuse, and sometimes it even escalated to a little physical violence.
We tried going to quite a few couples therapy sessions with different therapists, but with none of them were we able to reach common ground and reconciliation because it always felt like we were just waiting to get to therapy to unload all the garbage we had on each other. In the first two years of our marriage, there were quite a few instances of arguments near our families, public shaming, and so on.
(To my great regret, I want to mention that I still sometimes experience public humiliation from her when we are with her family. She can just get angry at me over things that are so unjustified, and it drives me crazy.)
I generally feel that there's a lot of ego involved here and an inability to accept each other's flaws. Over the years, I've always pointed out to every therapist we've seen that I think there's a serious communication problem here. If it's that we don't even make time to talk every day, or even every week, just to sit and have a nice, friendly conversation about how the day went, for example... If it's excessive reactivity and an inability to listen to the end.
And of course, with endless jabs and humiliations...
As soon as the baby starts crying at night, she wakes me up to go to him, and I can't get up in a second like she expects because I'm still half asleep. Then she starts getting angry at me in a threatening tone and saying, "I'm so tired of you, you lazy bum..."
Or if I get fired from some job, then of course I'll have to listen for a long time now about how "irresponsible, a parasite," "who I married," bringing poverty upon us, and many other kinds of humiliations that are unbearable and impossible to contain.
Unfortunately, I also react with unkind words when I experience this feeling that humiliates me, doesn't appreciate me, and compares me to other men she knows, which is also something I can't handle.
I just feel like I don't get any appreciation for this, and despite everything I do for her, whether it's at home with the kids, helping her succeed in her studies and exams, supporting her, and sometimes even trying to be romantic, I don't feel like she sees anything good in me.
There are still so many things we've been through, but I really can't detail everything here because it would never end... It's true that I felt the need to vent about quite a few things I experience in relation to her, but of course, I'm not perfect either.
And that's it, I don't know what to do anymore with all these arguments that mostly happen near the children, of course. I've been depressed for a while and I don't know what to do. On the one hand, I feel there's no hope for this relationship, but on the other hand, I'm afraid to get divorced, mainly because we have children, and I just feel helpless 馃檨
Answer:
You describe a not-so-simple and very turbulent marital reality. A toxic cycle that has been rolling for many years, in which you experience criticism, ridicule, and humiliation as if for simply being yourself, and your need for validation is severely damaged. You mention that you are not perfect either and that you also fail to meet your wife's needs in ways you haven't specified, which undoubtedly fuels the negative cycle and the fire of arguments between you.
You fight in endless loops and find it difficult to end arguments, and some of the arguments in the past (and perhaps also in the present?) happen in front of your family, which is a deeply shaming and humiliating experience. When arguments take place in front of children, it's very possible that this negatively affects them, both in terms of a personal example and in terms of their search for the calm and safe haven that children so desperately seek for their growth.
When there is an atmosphere of criticism and high tension in the children's home, they in turn may also behave in an extreme manner, which could further exacerbate the negative cycle, as your marital cycle spills over into the family cycle.
All of this is certainly not easy at all, it creates more and more negative experiences, and leads you to have doubts about divorce. You state that what keeps you in the marriage are the children.
I do not presume to express an opinion on such a matter, and surely God will guide you with good counsel. On the one hand, the children's best interest is certainly to live in their organic home with their father and mother together, and on the other hand, living in a home with constant arguments is also not a simple matter. I wonder if there are other reasons for you to stay in the marriage?
You mention that in your opinion, there is a communication problem between you, and I also understand why you think this is the core of your relationship challenge. Maybe you think that if you had just talked calmly, everything would have worked out.
However, I want to ask you what the reason is that you think you can talk calmly as long as there are significant risk factors in your interactions, such as contempt, humiliation, and criticism, and as long as your needs are not being met within this relationship?
Communication is a reflection of all the relationships between you. When we feel good with our partners, unthreatened, and our needs are met, we feel safe and also have a desire to invest in connecting communication, listen to the end, speak honestly and openly, accommodate different opinions even if we don't agree with them, express appreciation, and perhaps even love.
Therefore, in my opinion, if you are indeed interested in investing in this house you have and building a positive cycle of relationships, you should first pay attention to the risk components in your relationship and each other's needs.
Couples therapy can be the right place for such a process, and I suggest you don't give up and keep looking for the right couples therapist, while also understanding that tension will inevitably arise in couples therapy.
What can help you move forward in the process is the insight that every couple's system carries a certain degree of tension. Even after you go through a couple's process with God's help, overcome risk factors, meet each other's needs, and even express love, there will always be tension between you. Because there is inherent tension in the very difference between two different people, who have opposing opinions, different desires, and diverse needs.
As a first step that can begin to break the negative cycle, I suggest you try to learn what your way is to control your reactions to what your wife does.
Sometimes we mistakenly think we have no control, but in reality, we always have control, and there are also tools that can help us pause for a moment before reacting and ultimately avoid reacting or react less negatively.
I'm not taking the challenge lightly, but I believe that any person can overcome it, no matter how upset or agitated they may be. On the other hand, every person, even the greatest of all, encounters events that might tempt them to react negatively, and they must invest effort to avoid being swept away and to stop.
There's a good model that summarizes different channels of resources for coping when feeling attacked or in emotional distress.
I will describe him briefly here, and you can read more about him online. This model is called 讙砖"专 诪讗讞"讚: 讙讜祝, 砖讻诇, 专讙砖, 诪注专讻转 讗诪讜谞讜转, 讞讘专讛, 讚诪讬讜谉. Body, Mind, Emotion, Belief System, Society, Imagination. This model outlines the various channels that each person can choose from during a crisis to help them return to their inner center and choose a more beneficial response. It's a good idea to get to know everyone and try to get help from everyone; over time, you might find one or two channels that are more suitable for you.
Like everything in life, connecting to these channels requires practice and doesn't happen overnight. Every time you choose to connect to these channels, you can establish a more and more beneficial response pattern.
Body. The breaths we take are our most primary source of energy, and through them, it's easy to return to our inner center even in times of distress.
Intelligence. Thinking through reason instead of emotion can help us assess the event more objectively and accurately and choose a more beneficial response.
Emotion. Expressing emotions outwardly thru crying or laughter, conversation or speech, movement or creation, in a way that does not harm the marital circle but occurs in a safe space, such as between you and yourself or between you and a friend.
Belief system. Our spiritual beliefs and worldviews can guide us in times of distress, provide a more accurate understanding of events and pain, and help us choose a response that aligns with our faith.
A society i.e. social connections, enablee us to relax, regain balance, and look at things from a more positive perspective. This is also a call to expand and strengthen our social circle so that when we need our friends, they will be more available to us and able to assist us more.
Imagination. Imagination is a powerful tool. We can use it to push us toward both the worst and the best. A simple tool that uses imagination is to try to remember a special and inspiring moment we experienced, and through imagination, to experience it again.
These are some practical aspects that can help you respond differently under stress and contribute to creating a more positive cycle.
If we want to examine the descriptions of the tumultuous arguments you bring to light based on the words of the sages, we can recall the words of the Gemara (Sotah 17a), that if a man and a woman are not worthy, and the Divine Presence is not between them – "fire consumes them." This is the same fire of passion that brings them so close together, that turns against them when God is not there to refine them, and it is the fire that makes their lives burn in a storm without purpose.
The Divine Presence among them – as Rashi famously interprets – is manifested in the additional letters of 讗讬砖 and 讗砖讛 which is a 讬 for the man and 讛 for the woman, which together create the name 讬-讛. And without these letters, man and woman remain 讗砖 and 讗砖 - fire and fire. In this context, it's interesting to know the words of the holy Shelah, that the 讬 of the male refers to chochma, while the 讛 of the female refers to bina. In light of this, it can be understood that the man and woman are descending into a fire that consumes them to the extent that their responses to each other lack wisdom for the male and understanding for the female, and they react from instinctive impulses.
Indeed, the emotional challenge within marriage is very great, especially for sensitive and passionate couples, and particularly the ability to pause before reacting and choose a beneficial response that will create a positive cycle.
There is no better time than NOW to make amends for something that is perhaps the most important and significant in our lives: marital and family life.
Good luck in your choices and your journey.
Translated from Akshiva
