NEW YORK, NY — A statement from the mayor's office confirmed Zohran Mamdani was following the situation in Venezuela very closely and would have more to report after his classified morning briefing, which he receives from watching The View.
The classified briefing, hosted by Whoopi Goldberg, Joy Behar, Sunny Hostin, Sara Haines, Alyssa Farah Griffin, and Ana Navarro, airs every morning on ABC at 11 a.m. sharp.
"Yes, Whoopi. Tell me your secrets," Mamdani reportedly said as sunlight filtered through the closed blinds of his office, framing his eyes in mystery. "Tell me everything. A Black Momma with a Jewish name!! Give me the LOW DOWN!!!"
According to sources, today's highly sensitive briefing featured special guest Rep. Jasmine Crockett of Texas and covered topics like Trump's involvement in the January 6 attack on the Capitol five years ago, and what new fashions are in for fall.
"I think that if Nicolás Maduro were here, he would agree floral is back in style," Joy Behar bravely said as Mamdani took copious notes. Summarizing the fashion trends of the previous year, Behar added: "Fashion finally seems to be shaking off the vestiges of quiet luxury. Though many runways were still defined by minimalist color palettes and restrained taste, accessories became a playground for self-expression. Designers like Saint Laurent embraced the ’80s redux, bringing back chunky accessories, while Vaquera put an oversized, campy spin on statement pearls. The scope of jewelry also widened, whether it was wearing your wallet as a necklace at Michael Kors or picking up collectible talismans imbued with a sense of personal meaning. 2025 reminded us that there’s no better conversation starter than a stunning accessory with an even more interesting backstory."
WOW!! Profound, inspiring and uplifting. Mamdani ate it up and told his staff to invite Behar to Gracie Mansion for Thursday night dinner [which he will then literally *eat up*].
Mamdani is reportedly eager for tomorrow's briefing, where Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene will deliver her report on the Jews. After the briefing, Mamdani took out his rug, bowed submissively ["Islam" means submission] and thanked Allah for his help in winning the election and bringing the truth of Shariyah to New York City.
