Glatt Kosher, fattening, cholesterol filled food. Ben and Jerry's ice cream in every room so that nobody sees you eating it. Complimentary anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication for all registered guests. 10 Yentas Shadchoniyos on site who will ask you often offensive, invasive and superficial questions. Separate swimming for the frummer people. "Family swimming" for people who feel guilty going mixed swimming but do so anyway. Daf Yomi shiur so fast that you can learn an entire daf and understand none of it in 8 minutes but still feel like you did the daf. Scholar in residence author of the critically acclaimed best sellers "The Vaadka: The Story Of Chabad’s First Community Council", "Woke Melech HaBashan: The Most Progressive Ancient Ruler"and "Modern Day Prophets: The Anonymous Commenters In Vos Iz Neias Who Always Know Why Specific Tragedies Occur" addressing such hot topics as "Trump or Biden - Who Is The True Gadol?". "Does smoking weed make you more spiritual, more stupid or some of both?" "The Tuition Crisis - How to get a break on tuition for your kids even if you clearly don't need it" "Chalav Akum, Amira Li-Akum, Bishul Akum - How Goyim enhance our lives" "When The Brisk Boy Married The Brovenders Girl - A Shidduch Made In Hell". A kumzitz with the Shapiro Bros - Ben and Mordechai Shapiro including a discussion of whether a niggun cares about your feelings and free umbrellas for all attendees. And MUCH MUCH MORE!!!!
Mask wearing is MANDATORY - unless you don't want to wear one.
A sample of my act!!!!!!
What do you call a person who doesn't like the Homowack? A Homophobe.
Do you know what I love most about baseball? The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt. And that’s just in the hot dogs.
If I was an Olympic athlete, I’d rather come in last than win the silver medal. You win the gold, you feel good. You win the bronze, you think, ‘at least I got something.’ But you win that silver, that’s like, ‘Congratulations, you almost won! Of all the losers, you came in first! You’re the number one loser! No one lost ahead of you!'
Apparently smoking cannabis can affect your short term memory. Well if that’s true, what do you think smoking cannabis does?
Two fish in a tank. One says: ‘How do you drive this thing?'
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.
Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
How do you know if there’s an elephant under your bed? Your head hits the ceiling!
What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between us, something smells!
What did one plate say to the other plate? Dinner is on me!
I ate a clock yesterday. It was very time-consuming.
A perfectionist walked into a bar...apparently, the bar wasn’t set high enough.
Q. What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? A. I don’t know and I don’t care.
Never criticize someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, they won’t be able to hear you from that far away. Plus, you’ll be a mile away and you have their shoes.
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
When someone gets cardiac arrest - why do they bring him to the hospital and not to the police station?
I own the world's worst thesaurus. Not only is it awful, it's...... awful.
What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.
There is nothing more awkward than the moment you realize you’re getting a double-cheek kiss.
Do you know what I love most about baseball? The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt. And that’s just in the hot dogs.
If I was an Olympic athlete, I’d rather come in last than win the silver medal. You win the gold, you feel good. You win the bronze, you think, ‘at least I got something.’ But you win that silver, that’s like, ‘Congratulations, you almost won! Of all the losers, you came in first! You’re the number one loser! No one lost ahead of you!'
Apparently smoking cannabis can affect your short term memory. Well if that’s true, what do you think smoking cannabis does?
Two fish in a tank. One says: ‘How do you drive this thing?'
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.
Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
How do you know if there’s an elephant under your bed? Your head hits the ceiling!
What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between us, something smells!
What did one plate say to the other plate? Dinner is on me!
I ate a clock yesterday. It was very time-consuming.
A perfectionist walked into a bar...apparently, the bar wasn’t set high enough.
Q. What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? A. I don’t know and I don’t care.
Never criticize someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, they won’t be able to hear you from that far away. Plus, you’ll be a mile away and you have their shoes.
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
When someone gets cardiac arrest - why do they bring him to the hospital and not to the police station?
I own the world's worst thesaurus. Not only is it awful, it's...... awful.
What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.
There is nothing more awkward than the moment you realize you’re getting a double-cheek kiss.
