CANADA — Disaster quickly unfolded after the Canadian government accidentally switched the published numbers for the suicide prevention hotline and the suicide assistance hotline.
"So, you're thinking about killing yourself? That's great!" said suicide assistance operator Dr. Jan Rellis. "We can definitely help. How does Thursday sound?"
According to sources, thousands of calls from depressed Canadians flooded the assisted suicide hotline before authorities realized the mistake. "Oh boy. I thought people saying 'this is a cry for help' just meant they needed help getting a lethal injection," said Dr. Rellis. "And when I asked if they had a plan to harm themselves, and they said 'no' - I probably shouldn't have offered to make a plan for them. Oh, dear."
Despite the embarrassing mistake, several Canadians reported that speaking with the suicide assistance hotline actually helped snap them out of their depression. "I was in such a dark place when I called the hotline, but something about them wanting to just kill me helped change my perspective," said Toronto resident Benjamin Jensen. "I told the person that I felt like a meaningless piece of dust, and they said, 'Great, we'll schedule you for cremation!' That really helped me see how insane it was to see the world that way. I'm back on my feet."
The Canadian government apologized for the mistake with a statement reading, "Sorry, eh?"
The Babylonian Bee
