How do you talk to yourself? According to science, promoting an internal dialogue in the second or third person will allow you to regulate the emotional load, reduce any anxiety, and see reality with a greater perspective.
“I’m clumsy”, “I’m sure if I try I’ll fail again and make a fool of myself”, “No one will ever like me when I look the way I do”. We all have a bad habit of talking to ourselves as if we were strangers who we detest. In fact, an internal and destructive monologue is, in many cases, the trigger for psychological discomfort.
At times, you’re like the cruel voice of self-awareness, and at others like the worst coach in the world, the one who, instead of giving you tools and pep talks, devalues and punishes you. This voice combines conscious thoughts with irrational beliefs and unconscious prejudices. Unfortunately, as humans, we have an undeniable tendency toward self-criticism.
Radical statements like “I’m worthless” slowly build a universe of depression. While it’s not possible to pause your inner voice, there are strategies that allow you to address yourself in a more respectful way. Indeed, distanced self-talk helps you reduce the severe and exhausting volume of these inner dialogues.
Distanced self-talk is a strategy that favors self-control and encourages well-being. In fact, often, there’s nothing better than seeing reality with a little more perspective and distance.
Distanced self-talk allows us to filter what worries us from a more rational and less emotional point of view.
When you experience anxiety, speaking to yourself in the third person can help.
Distanced self-talk
The language you use to talk to yourself determines, in many cases, your self-image. At the same time, you can’t ignore the influence that the environment usually has. For example, the way your parents addressed you often shapes the way you give voice to your internal dialogues.
The problem with such psychological talk is that it rarely reflects genuine reality. You devalue yourself and move forward with the most adverse futures, creating, with your inner dialogues, mental movies that simply aren’t true. However, these destructive and critical reasonings end up overwhelming you with their negativity to the point of increasing your levels of anxiety and discomfort.
The good news is that you can change this psychological dynamic. One way to achieve it is to get used to using distanced self-talk. Gainsburg & Kross (2020) conducted a study in which they highlighted that by applying a certain psychological separation, we’re able to develop more rational and less emotional thoughts about what happens to us.
Talking to yourself in the second or third person allows you to reduce the emotional reactivity that accompanies anxiety.
The language you use to talk to yourself determines, in many cases, your self-image. At the same time, you can’t ignore the influence that the environment usually has. For example, the way your parents addressed you often shapes the way you give voice to your internal dialogues.
The problem with such psychological talk is that it rarely reflects genuine reality. You devalue yourself and move forward with the most adverse futures, creating, with your inner dialogues, mental movies that simply aren’t true. However, these destructive and critical reasonings end up overwhelming you with their negativity to the point of increasing your levels of anxiety and discomfort.
The good news is that you can change this psychological dynamic. One way to achieve it is to get used to using distanced self-talk. Gainsburg & Kross (2020) conducted a study in which they highlighted that by applying a certain psychological separation, we’re able to develop more rational and less emotional thoughts about what happens to us.
Talking to yourself in the second or third person allows you to reduce the emotional reactivity that accompanies anxiety.
Psychological distance
The University of Michigan (USA) conducted a study that discovered the appropriateness of applying distanced self-talk to deal with negative day-to-day experiences. Imagine a person who’s just been rejected in the selection process for a job. If they’ve been unemployed for several months, their internal dialogue is probably dominated by helplessness and blockage.
Ideas such as “Nobody is ever going to give me a new opportunity” or “I’m never going to work again” may appear in their mind. However, if they were given tools to use distanced self-talk, their perception might change. Indeed, scientific research has demonstrated that this resource activates the rational part of the brain.
If this same person were to develop a voice characterized by psychological separation, their perspective would be different. They’d adopt a broader perspective, less focused on failure and negativity. They might say “Okay, Michael, you haven’t been hired for this job but remember, above all, that you’re a competent and experienced person. Sooner or later you’ll be offered a suitable job”.
In essence, what distanced self-talk achieves is to reflect on what stresses us from a more external point of view, one that’s separated from the emotional.
You must integrate into your mental record the importance of editing or reframing your internal dialogues. Cutting out negativities, prejudices, and self-devaluation will allow you to have greater control over your life and gain psychological well-being.
Developing distanced self-talk allows you to reduce your cognitive biases and approaches that reinforce anxiety and depression.
How to develop a rational and healthy kind of self- talk
It’s okay to be self-critical at times, but you mustn’t trample on your identity and worth as if you were your own worst enemy. However, reducing your critical inner voice with destructive tendencies is no easy task. In fact, you can’t turn it off completely, but you can transform it and adopt a more compassionate and less aggressive way of speaking to yourself.
You need to develop distanced self-talk. Here’s how you do it.
The University of Michigan (USA) conducted a study that discovered the appropriateness of applying distanced self-talk to deal with negative day-to-day experiences. Imagine a person who’s just been rejected in the selection process for a job. If they’ve been unemployed for several months, their internal dialogue is probably dominated by helplessness and blockage.
Ideas such as “Nobody is ever going to give me a new opportunity” or “I’m never going to work again” may appear in their mind. However, if they were given tools to use distanced self-talk, their perception might change. Indeed, scientific research has demonstrated that this resource activates the rational part of the brain.
If this same person were to develop a voice characterized by psychological separation, their perspective would be different. They’d adopt a broader perspective, less focused on failure and negativity. They might say “Okay, Michael, you haven’t been hired for this job but remember, above all, that you’re a competent and experienced person. Sooner or later you’ll be offered a suitable job”.
In essence, what distanced self-talk achieves is to reflect on what stresses us from a more external point of view, one that’s separated from the emotional.
You must integrate into your mental record the importance of editing or reframing your internal dialogues. Cutting out negativities, prejudices, and self-devaluation will allow you to have greater control over your life and gain psychological well-being.
Developing distanced self-talk allows you to reduce your cognitive biases and approaches that reinforce anxiety and depression.
How to develop a rational and healthy kind of self- talk
It’s okay to be self-critical at times, but you mustn’t trample on your identity and worth as if you were your own worst enemy. However, reducing your critical inner voice with destructive tendencies is no easy task. In fact, you can’t turn it off completely, but you can transform it and adopt a more compassionate and less aggressive way of speaking to yourself.
You need to develop distanced self-talk. Here’s how you do it.
1. Address yourself by name
To achieve a true psychological distance, try to dispense with personal pronouns such as I or my. Doing so will reduce your volume of anxiety and give you some emotional distance. For instance, instead of telling yourself, “I should trust myself more”, it’ll be more useful to use the phrase “Daniel, you should trust yourself more”.
To achieve a true psychological distance, try to dispense with personal pronouns such as I or my. Doing so will reduce your volume of anxiety and give you some emotional distance. For instance, instead of telling yourself, “I should trust myself more”, it’ll be more useful to use the phrase “Daniel, you should trust yourself more”.
2. Talk to yourself as if you were your coach
Your critical voice shouldn’t torture, attack, or devalue the person you are. Try and assume the attitude of a coach, a person who has a certain control over the situation and who wants to help you. This will come in handy when you’re gripped by hopelessness and negativity.
This coach must question every irrational and adverse thought you have. Phrases like: “Laura, do you really think that no one is ever going to like you? What evidence do you have that this is going to be the case? Don’t you already have friends and people who love you for who you are?”
Your critical voice shouldn’t torture, attack, or devalue the person you are. Try and assume the attitude of a coach, a person who has a certain control over the situation and who wants to help you. This will come in handy when you’re gripped by hopelessness and negativity.
This coach must question every irrational and adverse thought you have. Phrases like: “Laura, do you really think that no one is ever going to like you? What evidence do you have that this is going to be the case? Don’t you already have friends and people who love you for who you are?”
3. Look in the mirror and be compassionate with the person you see
Distanced self-talk can be particularly useful if you use the third person. Try standing in front of a mirror and speaking to yourself with respect, appreciation, and compassion, as if you were addressing someone you love deeply.
“Michael is someone who must trust more in his potential. He showed his worth in the past. From now on, things are going to change because he’s going to work on his dreams with greater security and self-esteem. Michael deserves the absolute best”.
It’s important to remember how relevant your inner voice is for promoting your mental health and personal development. In fact, taking care of what you say to yourself is as decisive as taking care of yourself physically. So talk to yourself well and you’ll have a better life.
Distanced self-talk can be particularly useful if you use the third person. Try standing in front of a mirror and speaking to yourself with respect, appreciation, and compassion, as if you were addressing someone you love deeply.
“Michael is someone who must trust more in his potential. He showed his worth in the past. From now on, things are going to change because he’s going to work on his dreams with greater security and self-esteem. Michael deserves the absolute best”.
It’s important to remember how relevant your inner voice is for promoting your mental health and personal development. In fact, taking care of what you say to yourself is as decisive as taking care of yourself physically. So talk to yourself well and you’ll have a better life.
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דְּתַנְיָא, אָמַר (רַבִּי) שִׁמְעוֹן הַצַּדִּיק: מִיָּמַי לֹא אָכַלְתִּי אֲשַׁם נָזִיר טָמֵא אֶלָּא אֶחָד. פַּעַם אַחַת בָּא אָדָם אֶחָד נָזִיר מִן הַדָּרוֹם, וּרְאִיתִיו שֶׁהוּא יְפֵה עֵינַיִם וְטוֹב רוֹאִי וּקְווּצּוֹתָיו סְדוּרוֹת לוֹ תַּלְתַּלִּים. אָמַרְתִּי לוֹ: בְּנִי, מָה רָאִיתָ לְהַשְׁחִית אֶת שְׂעָרְךָ זֶה הַנָּאֶה?
As it is taught in a baraita that Rabbi Shimon HaTzaddik said: In all my days as a priest, I never ate the guilt-offering of a ritually impure nazirite except for one occasion. One time, a particular man who was a nazirite came from the South and I saw that he had beautiful eyes and was good looking, and the fringes of his hair were arranged in curls. I said to him: My son, what did you see that made you decide to destroy this beautiful hair of yours by becoming a nazirite? A nazirite must shave off his hair at the completion of his term. If he becomes impure before the completion of his term, he shaves off his hair and starts his term of naziriteship again.
אָמַר לִי: רוֹעֶה הָיִיתִי לְאַבָּא בְּעִירִי, הָלַכְתִּי לְמַלּאוֹת מַיִם מִן הַמַּעְיָין וְנִסְתַּכַּלְתִּי בַּבָּבוּאָה שֶׁלִּי, וּפָחַז עָלַי יִצְרִי וּבִקֵּשׁ לְטוֹרְדֵנִי מִן הָעוֹלָם. אָמַרְתִּי לוֹ: רָשָׁע! לָמָה אַתָּה מִתְגָּאֶה בְּעוֹלָם שֶׁאֵינוֹ שֶׁלְּךָ, בְּמִי שֶׁהוּא עָתִיד לִהְיוֹת רִמָּה וְתוֹלֵעָה? הָעֲבוֹדָה, שֶׁאֲגַלֵּחֲךָ לַשָּׁמַיִם!
He said to me: I was a shepherd for my father in my city, and I went to draw water from the spring, and I looked at my reflection [babavua] in the water and my evil inclination quickly overcame me and sought to expel me from the world. I said to myself: Wicked one! Why do you pride yourself in a world that is not yours? Why are you proud of someone who will eventually be food in the grave for worms and maggots, i.e., your body? I swear by the Temple service that I shall shave you for the sake of Heaven.
מִיָּד עָמַדְתִּי וּנְשַׁקְתִּיו עַל רֹאשׁוֹ, אָמַרְתִּי לוֹ: בְּנִי, כָּמוֹךָ יִרְבּוּ נוֹזְרֵי נְזִירוּת בְּיִשְׂרָאֵל. עָלֶיךָ הַכָּתוּב אוֹמֵר ״אִישׁ כִּי יַפְלִא לִנְדֹּר נֶדֶר נָזִיר לְהַזִּיר לַה׳״.
Shimon HaTzaddik continues the narrative: I immediately arose and kissed him on his head. I said to him: My son, may there be more who take vows of naziriteship like you among the Jewish people. About you the verse states: “When either a man or a woman shall clearly utter a vow, the vow of a nazirite, to consecrate himself to the Lord” (Numbers 6:2). This is an example of voluntary acceptance of naziriteship, i.e., becoming a nazirite with entirely pure intentions rather than as a rash statement, e.g., while in a fit of anger. [Nedarim 9b]
NOTE: He said "רשע למה אתה מתגאה וכו' שאגלחך לשמים"- As if he were talking to a third party!! EXACTLY what modern research says to do.
Another example:
הָנָךְ שְׁבוּיָיתָא דַּאֲתַאי לִנְהַרְדְּעָא. אַסְּקִינְהוּ לְבֵי רַב עַמְרָם חֲסִידָא, אַשְׁקוּלוּ דַּרְגָּא מִקַּמַּיְיהוּ. בַּהֲדֵי דְּקָא חָלְפָה חֲדָא מִנַּיְיהוּ נְפַל נְהוֹרָא בְּאִיפּוּמָּא. שַׁקְלֵיהּ רַב עַמְרָם לְדַרְגָּא דְּלָא הֲווֹ יָכְלִין בֵּי עַשְׂרָה לְמִדְלְיֵיהּ, דַּלְיֵיהּ לְחוֹדֵיהּ, סָלֵיק וְאָזֵיל.
Those captive women who were brought to Neharde’a, where they were redeemed, were brought up to the house of Rav Amram the Pious. They removed the ladder from before them to prevent men from climbing up after them to the attic where they were to sleep. When one of them passed by the entrance to the upper chamber, it was as though a light shone in the aperture due to her great beauty. Out of his desire for her, Rav Amram grabbed a ladder that ten men together could not lift, lifted it on his own and began climbing.
כִּי מְטָא לְפַלְגָא [דְּ]דַרְגָּא אִיפְּשַׁח, רְמָא קָלָא: נוּרָא בֵּי עַמְרָם! אֲתוֹ רַבָּנַן, אֲמַרוּ לֵיהּ: כַּסֵּיפְתִּינַן. אֲמַר לְהוּ: מוּטָב תִּיכַּסְפוּ בֵּי עַמְרָם בְּעָלְמָא הָדֵין וְלָא תִּיכַּסְפוּ מִינֵּיהּ לְעָלְמָא דְּאָתֵי. אַשְׁבְּעֵיהּ דְּיִנְפַּק מִינֵּיהּ, נְפַק מִינֵּיהּ כִּי עַמּוּדָא דְנוּרָא. אֲמַר לֵיהּ: חֲזִי, דְּאַתְּ נוּרָא אֲנָא בִּישְׂרָא, וַאֲנָא עֲדִיפְנָא מִינָּךְ.
When he was halfway up the ladder, he strengthened his legs against the sides of the ladder to stop himself from climbing further, raised his voice, and cried out: There is a fire in the house of Amram. Upon hearing this, the Sages came and found him in that position. They said to him: You have embarrassed us, since everyone sees what you had intended to do. Rav Amram said to them: It is better that you be shamed in Amram’s house in this world, and not be ashamed of him in the World-to-Come. He took an oath that his evil inclination should emerge from him, and an apparition similar to a pillar of fire emerged from him. He said to his evil inclination: See, as you are fire and I am mere flesh, and yet, I am still superior to you, as I was able to overcome you. [Kiddushin 81a]
He cried out נורא בי עמרם - "a fire in Amram's house" and not "in my house". He also saw his Yetzer Hara as being external to his true self to the point that he took and oath that it should emerge from him. Our problem is [among others...] that we identify ourselves with our Yetzer Hara.
