This article is my answer to that question.
In this article, I’ll show you how a small number of deeply learned patterns — called schemas — quietly shape your thoughts, emotions, and choices.
The term schemas comes from Schema Therapy, an extension of classic cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT).
Schema Therapy focuses on 18 “maladaptive” core beliefs that capture counter-productive patterns of thinking and acting.
The goal of Schema Therapy is to help you pull back from living a schema-driven life so that you can, instead, live a life directed by your values.
Schema Therapy has been proven to be helpful across a range of psychological challenges and I believe that understanding your schemas is a vital part of living the life you want to live.
I’ll tell you a bit more about what schemas are and where they come from — but first, one important reminder: the goal isn’t to “hate on” your schemas. As you’ll see, your schemas are trying to help you and protect you — they’re just out of date.
What are Schemas?
In our early years, little humans need to find ways to get their core needs met.
These are needs like safety, predictability, and self-esteem.
Schemas are the concepts — about yourself and your place in the world — that you developed to help you get these needs met. They’re rules that were meant to help keep you safe and that also helped you get the attention and resources of caregivers.
I’m talking about rules like:
“If I don’t perform at a high level, I’ll lose respect or approval.”
“Other people can’t really be relied on — it’s safer to handle things myself.”
“My needs matter less than avoiding conflict.”
“If I express emotion, it will burden people. I’m too much.”
Schemas aren’t just thoughts, they also include emotions and sensations — especially well-worn feelings, urges, and physiological reactions that can feel immediate and automatic.
As adults, we all have our schemas. They developed because they made sense in the environments that we grew up in.
The problem is that they might not translate well into your current life, especially if your goal is to live a life with more meaning, fulfillment, joy and peace.
To paint a clearer picture, let me give you a description of the most common schema I see among clients
Common Schema 1 — The Unrelenting Standards Schema
Did you have a parent who always asked you to “do just a little better” or “just a little more?”
Did you come home with an 88% mark on a paper and get asked, “what happened to the other 12 percent?”
Maybe your parent even withheld affection if you didn’t meet their high standards.
If this sounds familiar, you might have the Unrelenting Standards schema.
Adults who develop the Unrelenting Standards schema have excessively high standards and expectations for themselves and/or others. They strive for near-perfection, have a fear of making mistakes, and engage in harsh self-evaluation.
They often feel like “nothing is ever good enough.”
Even taking breaks or holidays might be perceived as lazy or irresponsible.
Do any of the following resonate with you?
“I’m overly self-critical and rarely feel satisfied with my achievements.”
“I often compare myself to others and feel inadequate.”
“I find it difficult to accept mistakes or imperfections.”
Although your high standards were probably rewarded growing up and in early adulthood, they have probably over-stayed their welcome — when the Unrelenting Standards schema dictates your life, you’re set up for burnout.
In our early years, little humans need to find ways to get their core needs met.
These are needs like safety, predictability, and self-esteem.
Schemas are the concepts — about yourself and your place in the world — that you developed to help you get these needs met. They’re rules that were meant to help keep you safe and that also helped you get the attention and resources of caregivers.
I’m talking about rules like:
“If I don’t perform at a high level, I’ll lose respect or approval.”
“Other people can’t really be relied on — it’s safer to handle things myself.”
“My needs matter less than avoiding conflict.”
“If I express emotion, it will burden people. I’m too much.”
Schemas aren’t just thoughts, they also include emotions and sensations — especially well-worn feelings, urges, and physiological reactions that can feel immediate and automatic.
As adults, we all have our schemas. They developed because they made sense in the environments that we grew up in.
The problem is that they might not translate well into your current life, especially if your goal is to live a life with more meaning, fulfillment, joy and peace.
To paint a clearer picture, let me give you a description of the most common schema I see among clients
Common Schema 1 — The Unrelenting Standards Schema
Did you have a parent who always asked you to “do just a little better” or “just a little more?”
Did you come home with an 88% mark on a paper and get asked, “what happened to the other 12 percent?”
Maybe your parent even withheld affection if you didn’t meet their high standards.
If this sounds familiar, you might have the Unrelenting Standards schema.
Adults who develop the Unrelenting Standards schema have excessively high standards and expectations for themselves and/or others. They strive for near-perfection, have a fear of making mistakes, and engage in harsh self-evaluation.
They often feel like “nothing is ever good enough.”
Even taking breaks or holidays might be perceived as lazy or irresponsible.
Do any of the following resonate with you?
“I’m overly self-critical and rarely feel satisfied with my achievements.”
“I often compare myself to others and feel inadequate.”
“I find it difficult to accept mistakes or imperfections.”
Although your high standards were probably rewarded growing up and in early adulthood, they have probably over-stayed their welcome — when the Unrelenting Standards schema dictates your life, you’re set up for burnout.
And by the way, overcoming Unrelenting Standards isn’t about having low standards, it’s about giving you the power to choose what’s important and deserving of your effort.
Three More Examples of Common Schemas
In the remainder of this article, I go over three additional common schemas that I encounter in my clinical work.
Keep in mind that different schemas manifest in different ways, at different times, for different people.
For each schema that I describe below, I provide an example of how it manifests in real life. I want to give you an understanding of what schemas “look like” so that you can notice if — and where — they’re showing up in your life.
Common Schema 2 — The Approval-Seeking Schema
People with an Approval-Seeking schema learned early that being liked, admired, or praised was critical. As adults, their sense of worth is closely tied to others’ opinions of them. As a result, they often prioritize approval over their own needs, values, or authenticity. Not surprisingly, it is also associated with a sensitivity to criticism or disapproval.
Statements that may resonate if you have an Approval-Seeking schema are things like:
“I feel unsettled when I don’t know how others feel about me.”
“My sense of worth rises and falls based on how I’m perceived.”
“Disapproval or criticism feels disproportionately distressing.”
Approval-Seeking Schema — Client Example:
Michelle grew up in a family where approval — from parents, teachers, and coaches — was highly emphasized. Her parents frequently commented on how “well liked” she was and took visible pride in this. Over time, Michelle learned that being agreeable, funny, polite, and hardworking reliably got praise and protection.
Being liked became more than a preference, it became a strategy.
As an adult, Michelle finds few things as activating as someone being upset with her. Although she appears confident and socially skilled, much of her energy is spent managing how she’s perceived, often at the expense of her own needs or preferences.
Common Schema 3 — The Self-Sacrifice Schema
The Self-Sacrifice schema involves consistently placing the needs of others ahead of your own. People with this schema often have difficulty saying no and feel a strong sense of obligation to accommodate others, even when it comes at a personal cost.
Over time, this pattern can lead to neglect of their own well-being. What begins as kindness or responsibility often turns into burnout, resentment, or a feeling of being taken for granted.
Statements that often resonate with self-sacrificers:
“I often put others’ needs and emotions ahead of my own.”
“I feel guilty when I prioritize my own well-being over others.”
“I fear being seen as selfish if I prioritize myself.”
Self-Sacrifice Schema — Client Example:
Lisa grew up in a family where her mother was frequently ill. Both parents reinforced the message that her mother’s needs came first, and that the children were expected to be helpful, polite, and low-maintenance. Lisa learned early that having needs of her own was inconvenient and that prioritizing herself was “selfish.”
As an adult, she routinely puts others’ needs ahead of her own. She spends several hours each week doing favors for colleagues or attending events she has little interest in, driven by a sense that it would be rude to say no. When she does take time for herself, she feels guilty. Her health has suffered and she finds herself increasingly resentful that others don’t seem to reciprocate the care she gives so freely.
Common Schema 4 — The Defectiveness Schema
The Defectiveness schema manifests as a pervasive belief of being fundamentally flawed or inadequate. People with this schema often feel shame, fear rejection, and engage in excessive self-criticism to compensate for their perceived defects. Events or situations that could “expose” perceived defectiveness are often avoided. Some with this schema overcompensate in an attempt to “show the world” that they aren’t defective.
Statements that might resonate with you if you have this schema:
“I constantly feel flawed and inadequate.”
“I believe that I’m fundamentally unlovable.”
“I often feel ashamed of who I am.”
Defectiveness Schema — Client Example:
Tage grew up with parents who believed that the best way to keep him “honest” was to shame him for “impure desires” like wanting to play video games with his friends. He was often bullied in high school.
He learned to “keep to himself.” As an adult, he’s a “lone wolf” entrepreneur who is objectively successful. He has built three successful companies and says that he “gets motivated by being the underdog.” Despite this success, he has long-avoided socializing and dating. He tells people that it’s all just “fluff” but deep-down he feels socially anxious. He wonders whether his intense focus on work has been a way of trying to prove to himself that he’s not defective, yet despite all the evidence of success, he feels empty and lonely.
Consolidation and Next Steps
In this article, I’ve introduced you to the concept of schemas and described 4 of the most common schemas I see among the professional clients I work with.
Here are the core ideas to take with you:
Schemas are the lenses through which we see ourselves, other people, and the world.
They developed in childhood because they helped us get important needs met, such as safety, approval, or predictability.
The problem isn’t that schemas exist — it’s that we often keep applying them in adulthood, long after the environment that shaped them has changed.
Remember, the point isn’t to “hate on” your schemas. They’re trying to help you and protect you, but they’re out of date.
The real progress begins when you start to notice when a schema is running the show — when a familiar pressure, fear, or urge shows up — and ask yourself a simple question:
“Is this helping me live according to my values, or is this just an old rule playing on repeat?”
Try not to get too caught up in the labels right now. More important than naming your schemas precisely is understanding how certain patterns might be quietly shaping your decisions today.
Understanding your schemas is only half the work. The next question is an important one:
If you’re not going to let old rules run your life, what should guide your choices instead?
That’s where values come in — and it’s what we’ll turn to in the next article in this CBT Essentials course.
----
Dweck postulated seven evidence-based emotional needs: she argued that three emotional needs are most basic in development: acceptance, predictability, and competence. She goes on to argue that based on these three most basic needs four ‘compound needs’ develop: the needs for trust, control, self-esteem/status, and self-coherence (as summarized in Arntz et al 2021).
Three More Examples of Common Schemas
In the remainder of this article, I go over three additional common schemas that I encounter in my clinical work.
Keep in mind that different schemas manifest in different ways, at different times, for different people.
For each schema that I describe below, I provide an example of how it manifests in real life. I want to give you an understanding of what schemas “look like” so that you can notice if — and where — they’re showing up in your life.
Common Schema 2 — The Approval-Seeking Schema
People with an Approval-Seeking schema learned early that being liked, admired, or praised was critical. As adults, their sense of worth is closely tied to others’ opinions of them. As a result, they often prioritize approval over their own needs, values, or authenticity. Not surprisingly, it is also associated with a sensitivity to criticism or disapproval.
Statements that may resonate if you have an Approval-Seeking schema are things like:
“I feel unsettled when I don’t know how others feel about me.”
“My sense of worth rises and falls based on how I’m perceived.”
“Disapproval or criticism feels disproportionately distressing.”
Approval-Seeking Schema — Client Example:
Michelle grew up in a family where approval — from parents, teachers, and coaches — was highly emphasized. Her parents frequently commented on how “well liked” she was and took visible pride in this. Over time, Michelle learned that being agreeable, funny, polite, and hardworking reliably got praise and protection.
Being liked became more than a preference, it became a strategy.
As an adult, Michelle finds few things as activating as someone being upset with her. Although she appears confident and socially skilled, much of her energy is spent managing how she’s perceived, often at the expense of her own needs or preferences.
Common Schema 3 — The Self-Sacrifice Schema
The Self-Sacrifice schema involves consistently placing the needs of others ahead of your own. People with this schema often have difficulty saying no and feel a strong sense of obligation to accommodate others, even when it comes at a personal cost.
Over time, this pattern can lead to neglect of their own well-being. What begins as kindness or responsibility often turns into burnout, resentment, or a feeling of being taken for granted.
Statements that often resonate with self-sacrificers:
“I often put others’ needs and emotions ahead of my own.”
“I feel guilty when I prioritize my own well-being over others.”
“I fear being seen as selfish if I prioritize myself.”
Self-Sacrifice Schema — Client Example:
Lisa grew up in a family where her mother was frequently ill. Both parents reinforced the message that her mother’s needs came first, and that the children were expected to be helpful, polite, and low-maintenance. Lisa learned early that having needs of her own was inconvenient and that prioritizing herself was “selfish.”
As an adult, she routinely puts others’ needs ahead of her own. She spends several hours each week doing favors for colleagues or attending events she has little interest in, driven by a sense that it would be rude to say no. When she does take time for herself, she feels guilty. Her health has suffered and she finds herself increasingly resentful that others don’t seem to reciprocate the care she gives so freely.
Common Schema 4 — The Defectiveness Schema
The Defectiveness schema manifests as a pervasive belief of being fundamentally flawed or inadequate. People with this schema often feel shame, fear rejection, and engage in excessive self-criticism to compensate for their perceived defects. Events or situations that could “expose” perceived defectiveness are often avoided. Some with this schema overcompensate in an attempt to “show the world” that they aren’t defective.
Statements that might resonate with you if you have this schema:
“I constantly feel flawed and inadequate.”
“I believe that I’m fundamentally unlovable.”
“I often feel ashamed of who I am.”
Defectiveness Schema — Client Example:
Tage grew up with parents who believed that the best way to keep him “honest” was to shame him for “impure desires” like wanting to play video games with his friends. He was often bullied in high school.
He learned to “keep to himself.” As an adult, he’s a “lone wolf” entrepreneur who is objectively successful. He has built three successful companies and says that he “gets motivated by being the underdog.” Despite this success, he has long-avoided socializing and dating. He tells people that it’s all just “fluff” but deep-down he feels socially anxious. He wonders whether his intense focus on work has been a way of trying to prove to himself that he’s not defective, yet despite all the evidence of success, he feels empty and lonely.
Consolidation and Next Steps
In this article, I’ve introduced you to the concept of schemas and described 4 of the most common schemas I see among the professional clients I work with.
Here are the core ideas to take with you:
Schemas are the lenses through which we see ourselves, other people, and the world.
They developed in childhood because they helped us get important needs met, such as safety, approval, or predictability.
The problem isn’t that schemas exist — it’s that we often keep applying them in adulthood, long after the environment that shaped them has changed.
Remember, the point isn’t to “hate on” your schemas. They’re trying to help you and protect you, but they’re out of date.
The real progress begins when you start to notice when a schema is running the show — when a familiar pressure, fear, or urge shows up — and ask yourself a simple question:
“Is this helping me live according to my values, or is this just an old rule playing on repeat?”
Try not to get too caught up in the labels right now. More important than naming your schemas precisely is understanding how certain patterns might be quietly shaping your decisions today.
Understanding your schemas is only half the work. The next question is an important one:
If you’re not going to let old rules run your life, what should guide your choices instead?
That’s where values come in — and it’s what we’ll turn to in the next article in this CBT Essentials course.
----
Dweck postulated seven evidence-based emotional needs: she argued that three emotional needs are most basic in development: acceptance, predictability, and competence. She goes on to argue that based on these three most basic needs four ‘compound needs’ develop: the needs for trust, control, self-esteem/status, and self-coherence (as summarized in Arntz et al 2021).
