BOISE, ID – Local man Chris Hatcher is officially entering his fourth year of a life sentence with no possibility of parole in an ongoing family group chat. Hatcher was first detained in the digital gulag during the Great Thanksgiving Turkey Debacle of 2022 and hasn’t seen a silent lock screen since.
Legal experts are still baffled by the severity of the sentence, as Hatcher’s only known "crime" was being born third and possessing a working data plan.
A Cruel and Unusual Ping
Despite Hatcher’s desperate attempts at "good behavior"—defined here as contributing nothing but the occasional "lol" or a thumbs-up emoji to prove he’s still breathing—the psychological warfare remains relentless.
His phone serves as a digital shock collar, vibrating with every:
Low-resolution minion meme sent by Aunt Linda.
Passive-aggressive "???" from his mother when no one responds to her photo of a slightly unusual cloud.
Political manifesto typed in all caps by a cousin he hasn't spoken to since 2008.
"I tried to use 'Hide Alerts,' but the ghost of the notifications still haunts my dreams," Hatcher told reporters, his left eye twitching in sync with a haptic vibration. "I’m currently watching a 14-minute screen recording of my dad trying to find the 'volume' button on a YouTube video. There is no Geneva Convention for 5G."
The "Mute" Mirage
Hatcher briefly attempted to escape via the "Leave Conversation" button in 2023, but he was apprehended within seconds and re-added by his sister with the chilling message: “Where do you think you’re going? lol.”
"I'm trying to make the best of it, but it's a burden no man should bear," Hatcher whispered as his pocket buzzed eighteen times in three seconds because his siblings were arguing about the specific brand of mayonnaise used in a 1994 potato salad. "I am a captive to the 'Reply All' function. My battery life is a metaphor for my soul: constantly draining and never at 100%."
UPDATE: At publishing time, Hatcher’s situation has turned dire. He has reportedly been "re-indicted" and added to a Group Facebook Message titled "REUNION PLANNING 2027!!!" which already contains 47 unread messages and three blurry photos of a rental cabin's floor plan.
