Part 1 — Why Almost All Suffering Is Relational
The Hidden Cost of Seeking Approval
Most people think their suffering comes from bad luck, past trauma, or difficult personalities.
Alfred Adler saw something far simpler—and more uncomfortable:
Most human suffering is relational.
Not because relationships are wrong,
but because we enter them carrying invisible contracts.
A woman feels anxious not because her job is hard,
but because she is constantly measuring herself against colleagues.
A man feels angry not because his wife made a mistake,
but because his sense of worth depends on being respected.
When your value depends on comparison, approval, or control,
every relationship becomes a quiet battlefield.
Adler didn’t suggest escaping relationships.
He suggested seeing them clearly.
As long as you are alive, relationships are unavoidable.
So is friction.
Freedom doesn’t come from avoiding it—but from no longer taking it personally.
Reflection
Ask yourself today:
Which relationship causes me the most emotional disturbance?
Not to blame—just to observe.
Awareness is already the beginning of release.
Part 2 — The Courage to Be Disliked
Why Freedom Begins Where Approval Ends
Most people don’t live the life they want.
They live the life that keeps them liked.
They soften their opinions.
Delay decisions.
Say yes when their body says no.
Adler was blunt:
“Freedom means being disliked.”
This doesn’t mean becoming cold or careless.
It means refusing to trade your inner alignment for external comfort.
A client once said,
“I just don’t want to disappoint anyone.”
What she really meant was:
“I don’t trust myself to survive disapproval.”
The truth is quieter:
Most people who dislike you are not judging you.
They are reacting to the loss of control.
Being disliked is often a sign that you have stopped playing a role.
Practice
This week, allow one small disappointment.
Do not explain.
Do not defend.
Notice: the world does not collapse.
Part 3 — Anger, Trauma, and the Myth of ‘I Can’t Help It’
What If Emotions Are Chosen—Not Caused?
“I lost control.”
Adler would gently ask:
Did you?
A parent yells at a child—then answers the phone calmly moments later.
The emotion was not uncontrollable.
It was selective.
Adler’s purpose-oriented psychology suggests that emotions are often tools.
Anger intimidates.
Victimhood excuses.
Anxiety delays.
This doesn’t mean emotions are fake.
It means they are meaningful.
When you stop asking “What made me feel this?”
and start asking “What is this emotion trying to do?”
you regain agency.
Responsibility is not blame.
It is power returning home.
Reflection
The next time a strong emotion arises, ask:
What outcome does this feeling serve?
Honesty here is transformative.
Part 4 — Boundary Wisdom
What Is Yours, What Is Not
Most exhaustion comes from carrying what was never ours.
Your task: your choices, effort, and integrity.
Others’ task: their reactions, feelings, and consequences.
Life’s task: outcomes beyond control.
Parents suffer because children won’t change.
Spouses suffer because emotions aren’t reciprocated.
We confuse care with responsibility.
But compassion without boundaries becomes control.
Letting others face their own lessons is not abandonment.
It is respect for their path.
You may guide.
You may support.
You may not live for them.
Practice
When anxiety arises, ask:
Is this my task?
If not, gently set it down.
Part 5 — Leaving the Battlefield
From Competition to Contribution
If life feels like a competition,
someone must always lose.
Comparison quietly turns friends into threats.
Success becomes isolating.
Failure becomes shameful.
Adler rejected this worldview entirely.
He believed psychological health comes from community feeling—
a sense that life is shared, not ranked.
You do not need to be superior to be valuable.
You need only to participate sincerely.
Contribution doesn’t mean greatness.
It means usefulness without self-importance.
Reflection
Today, contribute without seeking recognition.
Notice how light the action feels.
Part 6 — Freedom, Contribution, and Quiet Happiness
When Life No Longer Needs to Prove Anything
Adler believed happiness was not pleasure or success,
but the felt sense of contributing while being free.
Not heroic purpose.
Not saving the world.
Quiet usefulness.
Clean effort.
Inner consent.
You stop fighting who you are.
Stop demanding the world agree with you.
Stop outsourcing your worth.
Nothing dramatic happens.
And that is the relief.
You don’t need to be extraordinary.
You only need to be present, responsible, and kind—
without bargaining for love.
That is freedom.
Substack
