Imagine him leaning over the podium at the Senate podium, adjusting his glasses, and speaking with a deep southern drawl into the mic:
The Book of Common Sense (Louisiana Style)
"Now, Mr. President, I’ve been reading through this Parshas Mishpatim. And let me tell ya, it’s refreshing. It’s about 53 different laws—everything from what to do if your neighbor’s ox decides to go rogue, to how to handle a man who’s got 'sticky fingers' with someone else’s property.
It’s basically a 'How-To' guide for not being a jerk. And frankly, Washington D.C. could use a signed copy. Probably two."
On "The Goring Ox" Rule
"In this Parsha, it says if your ox gores someone, and you knew that ox had a bad attitude—if that ox was a repeat offender and you just let him roam free—then you’re responsible.
Down in Louisiana, we call that 'knowing better.' But up here in the Senate? We’ve got 'oxen' goring the economy every single day, and the folks in charge just stand there looking surprised, like they didn't see the horns coming. It’s like watching a man try to pet a buzzsaw and then acting shocked when he loses a finger."
On Property and Restitution
"The Good Book says if you steal a sheep, you gotta pay back four. If you steal an ox, you pay back five. That’s called consequences.
In our current legal system, we’ve got some folks who think 'restitution' is just a fancy word you find in a dictionary between 'regret' and 'rehab.' If you tried to explain Mishpatim to some of these activists today, their heads would spin fast enough to create their own weather pattern. They’d want to give the ox a stimulus check and put the sheep in a 'sensitivity training' seminar."
The Bottom Line
"Mr. President, these laws aren't complicated. They’re built on the radical idea that you are responsible for your own mess. If you dig a pit and someone’s donkey falls in it, you pay for the donkey. You don't blame the pit, you don't blame the donkey, and you don't ask the taxpayers to bail out the hole-digging industry.
I mean, look... it’s not hard. You can’t fix stupid, but Mishpatim at least tries to make stupid expensive. And that’s a start.
I yield back."
