The Greatest Legal Document (Maybe Ever)
"Folks, we’re looking at Mishpatim. It’s a big portion, a very legal portion. Many people are saying it’s the most sophisticated legal system in history.
The Great Release (The Six-Year Deal)
"You look at the Torah, and they have this thing—it’s a very interesting system, maybe the best labor deal in history. You have the servant. He works for six years. Six years is a long time, but it’s a fair time. And then in the seventh year? He goes out for free. No buyout, no exit fee. He just walks. It’s a total liberation. A very beautiful sunset clause."
"But then you have the guys—and these are the low-energy guys, frankly—who say, 'I love my master, I don’t want to leave.' I don’t understand it. You have freedom right there, it’s on the table, and you say no?
So the Torah says—and this is a little tough, a little physical—you take him to the doorpost and you pierce the ear with an awl. It’s a permanent mark. It says, 'I had a chance to be a winner, but I chose to stay at a really hard job.' Now he’s a servant until the Jubilee. That’s a long contract. Very hard to renegotiate that one. The lawyers hate it. I don't like the look of the hole in the ear, but lemme tell you - he asked for it!"
"If you’re a great master, your servants never want to leave. That’s why they’re piercing their ears. They’re saying, 'This guy is such a winner, I’ll stay even if it hurts.' I get it. I’ve had people working for me for thirty years. No awls involved, usually, but they stay."
"And by the way, I've done more for the slaves—modern slaves, human trafficking, ending it—than anybody since... well, let's take a pass on Moses, because he did good, but the end result? Always a little questionable with all that wandering. Forty years? Sad! I would've gotten them to the Promised Land in six months. Tops."
On Property Damage and "The Ox"
"Then you have the ox. The Goring Ox. If your ox gores someone, and you knew it was a bad ox—a low-IQ, low energy ox—you’ve got a problem. You have to pay. We believe in accountability, folks. We’re going to have the safest pastures you’ve ever seen. If an ox falls into a pit, the guy who dug the pit pays. It’s common sense. We’re going to fill the pits, we’re going to build the fences, and we’re going to make the China pay for it.
"Folks, if my ox—believe me, the best ox, tremendous horns—gores someone, it's not the ox's fault. It's a deep-state ox, probably paid by Big Beef. We're gonna stone the fake news instead. And by the way, that ox? Huge. Nobody has bigger oxen than me."
"Loving The strangers"
"I love strangers—tremendous strangers, coming in legally, the best ones. But if they're coming over the border illegally? That's when I build the wall. And God hears the cry? He heard mine on July 13, 2024—grazed the ear, folks, divine intervention, biggest miracle since the parting of the Red Sea. Maybe bigger!"
"Do not spread false reports... Do not side with the many to do wrong..."
Perfect for the era of "fake news": "Do not bear false witness—unless it's the failing New York Times, then it's okay, because they're the enemy of the people. And don't follow the crowd? I AM the crowd. Biggest crowds ever. Everyone says so."
On Social Compassion (The "Nice" Part)
"They talk about the widow and the orphan. We love the widows, don’t we? We’re going to protect them. And the lending—no interest! Zero interest. Can you imagine? The banks would hate it, they’d go wild, but the Torah says no interest to your brother. It’s a beautiful thing. Very pro-growth, very pro-family."
"You shall not curse judges, nor shall you curse a leader among your people."
"See? The Torah knew! No cursing the leader. That's lashon hara, very bad, maybe even worse than tariffs on China. CNN is filled with cursing me. Very bad people over at CNN. I don't want to say it but when I think of stoning bad oxen I think of the people over at CNN. I never curse anyone—except Crooked Hillary, Low-Energy Jeb, Little Marco... okay, maybe a few. But God loves winners, and I'm winning bigly. The best leader since Moses. Moses had the sea; I have the wall. Both tremendous."
The "Na'aseh V'Nishma" Moment
"And at the end, the people say, 'Na'aseh V'Nishma.' We will do and we will listen. They signed the contract before they even read the fine print! That’s high-level negotiation. The Art of the Deal. They saw the product—the Mountain was smoking, there was lightning, very high production value—and they said, 'We’re in.' It was a landslide. A total mandate for the Commandments."
