WASHINGTON, D.C. — Members of the Democratic Party, who have spent the last 2,920 consecutive days describing Donald Trump as a “literal Nazi,” a “threat to our very existence,” and a “genocidal dictator who will end democracy forever,” expressed profound, jaw-dropping bewilderment today following another attempt on the former president’s life.
“We are absolutely blindsided by this,” said DNC spokesperson Brad Pander, while standing in front of a giant banner that read STOP THE SECOND COMING OF HITLER BEFORE THE WORLD ENDS. “For eight years, we’ve used very measured, calm language to explain that Trump is an existential threat to the human race and that if he is elected, the sun will literally stop shining. Why on earth would anyone think that requires drastic action?”
The party, which has frequently likened Trump to the man responsible for the Holocaust, released a formal statement condemning the violence as “having no place in our society,” right before airlifting a fresh shipment of “Trump = Mussolini” lawn signs to swing states.
“It’s a total mystery,” said Senator Chuck Schumer, peering over his glasses in confusion. “We’ve done everything we can to lower the temperature. Just last week, I said that Trump is a ‘danger to every living soul in the galaxy.’ I expected that to result in a polite debate over tax policy, not a guy with a rifle in the bushes. People are just so unpredictable these days.”
Strategists are reportedly scrambling to understand why people might take the "Literal Hitler" rhetoric literally.
“We thought the American public understood the nuance,” explained CNN contributor Van Jones. “When we say he’s a fascist monster who will put everyone in camps and terminate the Constitution, we mean that in a ‘please vote for our candidate’ kind of way. We don’t mean it in a ‘someone should stop the fascist monster’ kind of way. It’s like people aren't even listening to our metaphors about the end of the world.”
At press time, the party had successfully pivoted back to its core message, releasing a 30-second ad titled “Trump: The Man Who Will Eat Your Children,” while simultaneously expressing deep concern that the political climate has become "unnecessarily spicy."
“We really need to tone it down,” said Nancy Pelosi, while commissioning a portrait of Trump with a devil’s tail and a chainsaw. “After we finish explaining how he’s going to dismantle the Earth’s crust and sell it to Russia, we should definitely have a bipartisan brunch.”
