NEW YORK, NY — Zohran Mamdani has been proclaimed victor in the elections for NYC Mayor. Moments after, he preemptively announced plans to blame racism after his policies fail.
Mamdani made sure to prepare a foolproof fallback explanation that the failure of his progressive, socialist agenda was due entirely to Americans being racists and Islamaphobes.
"It won't be my fault," Mamdani told a crowd of supporters at his victory celebration. "If my plan to turn New York City into a miniature version of Venezuela mixed with a little bit of Sharia Law fails miserably, it won't be because it's a combination of historically evil and unsuccessful ideologies. No, it'll be because of racism, Islamaphobia.... and the Zionist Jews."
The Ugandan-born Mamdani, who has pledged radical prison and police reforms to make things easier for criminals and the establishment of government-run grocery stores, expressed supreme confidence that only America's inherent racism could keep his policies that have failed everywhere else from failing again in New York. "It's the only plausible explanation," he said. "Though socialism has failed every single time when attempted on a large scale, it's not because it doesn't work. It's just racism. Because I'm a Democrat, and that's what we say."
At his victory celebration, signs were held up with pictures of Joseph Stalin, Adolph Hitler and Yahya Sinwar. When asked if he would denounce the people on those signs, he responded exactly to the point: "We will make New York City affordable again. This is why I was voted into office and that is what I am going to do. Unless I don't. But then you know who will be to blame....."
