DENVER, CO — Sad reports indicated that a work email sent to a local man on Friday morning did not, in fact, find him well.
Sources close to the situation said that Jason McKenzie, a data engineer, received the email shortly after arriving for work on Friday, and though the sender explicitly stated that it was their sincere hope that the message would find him well, it did not.
"ARGHPHHHHH," Jason said, reading the email. "No. No, I am not well. You do not find me well. You find me in pain and agony. You find me desolate and besieged. I am not well."
McKenzie's manager, Bob Miller, was later determined to have sent the email to follow up on a project the two had discussed earlier in the week. Miller started the message with the same greeting he used in all his emails, unaware McKenzie was in deep turmoil.
"How could this email possibly find me well? How?" McKenzie lamented. "I've never been more unwell. I feel despair and pestilence. Not wellness. Never wellness. Oh, wretched man that I am!"
Witnesses said McKenzie slumped over in his chair and put his hands on his head, moaning quietly and contemplating the state of his fate. "Why would he say that? He must know I'm in agony. I'm not well. I may never be again."
Witnesses added that McKenzie was especially bereft at the sign off of "best regards". "Regards to whom?" he asked in complete bewilderment. "To me? They don't have to send me regards. They are writing the email to me! You send regards to someone else. So who is that mysterious person? My wife Janet? My son Josh? My dog Spot?? WHO for crying out loud!!!"
At publishing time McKenzie was working through his issues with his therapist.
