Chanukah And Shalom Bayis

There is one type of agunah of whom everybody has heard. She wants a get and her husband refuses to grant her one. That is terrible and well documented. 

But there is another type of "chained" woman. She wants to remain married but is miserable in the marriage and wants to get help, but the husband refuses. He is too busy, he claims, or a myriad of other excuses. So the days months and years go by, the woman [and children] suffer, and nothing is done. That is cruelty on the husband's part but he doesn't see it that way and there is no societal taboo so he can feel fine with his behavior. 

But it isn't fine. If a spouse is suffering from the relationship then help must be sought out. To refuse help is to cause undue suffering to another human being. And she is chained because she can have no other husband at this time and doesn't want to get divorced. So she is stuck. I am a firm believer in Divine justice and such men will be punished. Big time. 

Of course, it is not limited to men. In many cases it is the man who wants to get help for the marriage but the woman refuses for her own reasons. This is obviously just as cruel. He needs a wife, has no other viable options but her and she blocks him off from getting what he needs. He is an "agun" - chained husband. But again, there is no societal pressure on the women, so she can just allow the situation to continue for years, all the while causing her husband untold suffering. Some men "search elsewhere" while married. I don't condone it. It is actually evil. And forbidden. There are no excuses for even looking at another woman, much less developing any type of relationship. But when I hear about such men [statistics aren't clear but probably in well over 50 percent of marriages in the US there is infidelity at some point] or women who do the same, I wonder what was wrong with their marriage that caused them to look elsewhere. A person who is satisfied in his or her marital bond doesn't need to look elsewhere. Of course, dissatisfaction in marriage doesn't justify immoral behavior, but there is a often a correlation. So it behooves both sides to get on the case and do something.  

The Medrash teaches that the Greeks made a decree against locking their doors!! This of course had deleterious effects on people's Shalom Bayis:

כתיב (ירמיה נ׳) כה אמר ה׳ צבאות עשוקים בני יהודה ובני ישראל וגו׳ וכתיב גואלם חזק ה׳ צבאות שמו ריב יריב את ריבם למען הרגיע את הארץ והרגיז ליושבי בבל. אמרו בימי היונים נתחייב מקרא זה שהערימו סוד על ישראל אמרו בואו ונחדש עליהם גזירות עד שיבעטו באלהיהם ויאמינו בע״ז שלנו. עמדו וגזרו כל בן ישראל שעושה לו בריח או מסגור לפתחו ידקר בחרב, וכל כך למה כדי שלא יהיה לישראל כבוד ולא רשות (צניעות), שכל בית שאין לו דלת אין לו כבוד ולא צניעות וכל הרוצה ליכנס נכנס בין ביום ובין בלילה. כיון שראו ישראל כך עמדו ובטלו כל דלתות בתיהם ולא היו יכולין לא לאכול ולא לשתות ולא לשמש מטותיהם, בשביל גנבין ולסטין ופריצי יונים, ולא רואין שינה בעיניהם לא יום ולא לילה, ונתקיים עליהם מקרא שכתוב ופחדת לילה ויומם (דברים כ״ח).

So Chanukah is a great time to improve Shalom Bayis. We light on the פתח הבית to remind us of this. 

Whatever the state of your marriage - it can be improved. Therapy is great is both sides are invested in the growth process. Even if that avenue isn't taken, couples should be constantly working together on ways to strengthen their bond. אם אין אני אלי - מי לי - If the couple doesn't do it then who will do it for them?! 

Appreciating Rav Shteinman ztz"l

None of us are going to be like Rav Shteinman or maybe even aspire to be.

But you will become a better person if you just appreciate for a few minutes a person who lived 104 years with almost zero interest in food, drink, sleep or even a comfortable chair. All he wanted was to get close to Hashem. And he had a body just like you and me. He had taste buds just like you and me. But there was something there verrrrry unique. Appreciating him makes you better. איש לפי מהללו. You tell me who a person admires, I will tell you who he is.

So you can go eat your latkes on your comfortable lazy-boy chair with that in mind....  

Masculinity - Link

The previous post gave me insight into something that has been puzzling me for years. There are a lot of Charedi men who smoke. In every Charedi High School [they start early] and Yeshiva Gedola it seems that some of the boys smoke. Outside of countless shuls and shteiblach in Charedi neighborhoods you see men standing around smoking. 

Why? It smells, causes many illnesses [printed on the box], is assur according to many poskim and discouraged by others who don't outright forbid it, it is costly [I read that the average smoker spends about 1000 shekel a month on this habit], it forces a person outdoors numerous times a day in the cold winter because he may not smoke indoors etc. etc. So why????

I am an outspoken critic and often stop random people on the street and try to dissuade them from smoking. I don't get it. 

Part of it is social pressure. It's cool. 

But now I realize that part of it is MASCULINITY. CHAREDI WOMEN NEVER SMOKE!! So when a 14 year old boy starts smoking he is essentially announcing "I am a MAN". That feeling is a deep seated need. I also want to feel like a man. I can just feel it [if I wish] by stroking my beard or using my deep voice but these kids get it when they smoke. All-MENS club. And Charedi boys don't play sports - which is a problem. If they would, maybe they could feel like men without smoking.

Charedi men often don't support their families which is a terrible blemish on their feeling of manhood. What real man is supported by a .... woman???* [I don't mean that as a insult to women, chas vi-shalom. Just an affirmation of man's need to feel that he is the provider. Interestingly, many women feel the need for a man who provides, less for the money but more for the womanly feeling of being taken care of by a man]. I personally have never been supported by my wife because she never worked [except for a very short time at the beginning] and although we needed the money, at least I  never felt my manhood being threatened. Had she been the main bread winner, I like to tell myself that I would have been happy for the money but I suspect that it would have been a shot at my masculinity - not healthy for a marriage. [But I do hope that one day she makes a lot of money and I find out how it makes me feel...] 

So there are two areas that need to be studied - masculinity as it relates to smoking and bread winning roles. If it is true that all of this women's working and supporting her family so her husband can learn is affecting their gender roles and feelings, then that must be a factor when making life decisions. It is not healthy for a marriage when the man is the woman and the woman is the man. In todays world, I see loads of avreichim who bring their kids to and from school and gan and babysit for them because their wives work. What affect is this having on marriages??

Few things are as damaging to society as when gender roles are confused. The Torah was very clear on this when it forbade men to wear clothing of women and vice versa. 

For this reason I am opposed to the push for women to become gemara scholars [not only me]. We don't need men with long hair and high voices. We are happy with the men we have. Gemara trains a person to be cold and analytical. A women's specialty is emotion and feeling and that should be cultivated. OF COURSE, a woman also has an intellect that should be developed, but in a feminine way. Many feminists would curse me if they would read this but would am I supposed to do if that is what I believe is the will of Hashem. 

  ואכמ"ל.   

* I am reminded of Devorah's response to Barak when he asked her to lead the war effort: 

וַתֹּאמֶר הָלֹךְ אֵלֵךְ עִמָּךְ אֶפֶס כִּי לֹא תִהְיֶה תִּפְאַרְתְּךָ עַל הַדֶּרֶךְ אֲשֶׁר אַתָּה הוֹלֵךְ כִּי בְיַד אִשָּׁה יִמְכֹּר יְהוָה אֶת סִיסְרָא וַתָּקָם דְּבוֹרָה וַתֵּלֶךְ עִם בָּרָק קֶדְשָׁה.

Response To Blog On Sports

This was sent by long time beloved friend who asked to remain anonymous. I don't have a problem posting responses and opinions with which I disagree, but I happen to fully agree with all of his points. Plus he was a die hard Mets fan in the 80's which puts us firmly in the same camp [although I understand many of the 1980's Mets haven't done too well in life. For example: Lenny Dykstra - jail. Gooden and Strawberry - drugs and arrests. Gary Carter - dead of cancer. If you read books about the 1986 Mets you will understand where they were headed. I don't recommend it...]. But I stand by my position [with which my friend doesn't take issue] that sports competitions can and are often blown out of proportion. 

I am reminded of the story of Rav Moshe Feinstein, who was asked to test a class of ten year olds in MTJ who had learned shnayim ochazim [no mean feat!]. When the test began, the first question was "What do you do when you get home from school?"

A boy answered "Mir shpeelin ball" [We play ball].

Rav Moshe ztz"l enjoyed the answer and said "Zayer gut. Eahr darft shpeelin ball. Uber vee a Yid shpeelt ball un nisht vee a goy shpeelt ball. Nisht vee vilder chayos un nisht tzu shrayen. Eahr darft oich shpeelin ball uber vee a Yid shpeelt ball." [Very good. You should play ball. But like a Jew plays ball and not like a goy. Not like wild animals and not screaming. You must also play ball but like a Jew plays ball.]

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Whata myseh!

[Kol Hatorah Nissan 5763 page 66]

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1. Masculinity is under full-out attack. This is likely not the case in the Charedi community, but believe me when I tell you that in the modern orthodox communities both in the US and Israel, any relic of the masculine rolls we grew up with is under a full fledged assault and our boys are being raised to believe (consciously or subconsciously) that patriarchy and traditional masculine rolls are evil. Sports is one of the only remaining areas that boys can continue to be boys, with masculinity (and at times aggressive behavior) encouraged. It is true that the Beis Medrash is another safe harbor and that we should be doing more to encourage it, but that is a very hard sell to a child / teenager, and there should be a place for a boy to exert masculinity outside of the Beis Medrash also.

2. Sports offers an opportunity for father / son bonding that in my experience is unparalleled. Again, I’m not claiming that this is how the world should be, just that this is how the world actually is. When I was a kid I was a die-hard Mets fan, but other than that experience in the mid / late 80’s, I really never cared that much about professional sports. I now (Baruch Hashem) have four boys, and my experience is that being able to talk and watch sports with them enables me to connect with them in a way that I otherwise just can’t accomplish. Maybe this is a commentary on me or my boys, but I don’t believe my experience is unique, judging by others that I know in my community. To be clear, this is in addition to learning and davening with them. I actually believe (though of course I could be wrong) that it makes them more open to learning with me.

3. I think it’s important to foster a competitive drive. (This one likely overlaps with #1 above, but is a bit more nuanced.) These kids are growing up in an age of participation trophies – which in my opinion leads directly to the emotion driven thinking that is destroying traditional values. Let them learn to strive and leave it all out there on the court. B’ezras Hashem the time will come where they will rechannel that intensity toward more appropriate goals, but let the intensity be fostered when they are in their developmental years.

4. I think it’s important that they learn to lose with dignity. Life is unfortunately filled with disappointment, and just about every adult I know would agree that “success”, however we define it, comes from being resilient to disappointment. Again, this is a lesson that can be learned elsewhere, but my experience is that it often isn’t.

In short, I think that when parents and children appear to be intensely into sports, there is often more than meets the eye. Moreover, the nature of sports is that intensity often wins and that these lessons can really only be learned when there is a high degree of intensity and striving – so having an attitude of “this is something we do, but it’s really a tufel” (I don’t know how to say that in English) is actually more of a bittal zman (obviously in my opinion) than leaving it all on the court.

Again, I certainly don’t claim to have any monopoly on what is right, but as my views have changed over the last few years, I wanted to share them. As always, I enjoy your blog and very much respect your opinions.

Best,

Common Sense

A chassid wrote to the Rebbe complaining that he had experienced a series of thefts in his Crown Heights home.

“Perhaps I should have my mezuzos checked?” he suggested.

“Perhaps you should check the security of your windows,” was the Rebbe’s reply.

“Ask advice, but use common sense.”

“It is unfortunate to have more dollars than sense.”

[Chicken Soup For The Jewish Soul]

Strengthen Your Bonds With Your Children

Rav David Silverberg 

In his impassioned appeal to Yosef to allow Binyamin to return home to his father in Canaan, Yehuda poetically described the close bond between Binyamin and Yaakov: “nafsho keshura ve-nafsho” – “his soul is bound with his soul” (44:3). Because of this special bond, Yehuda argued, Yaakov would likely die if his sons returned home from Egypt without his most beloved son, Binyamin.

The Ba’al Ha-turim observes that the word “keshura” appears in only one other instance in the entire Tanakh – in Sefer Mishlei (22:15), where Shelomo warns of youthful recklessness: “Ivelet keshura be-leiv na’ar” – “Foolishness is bound in the heart of a youth.” Shelomo teaches us that “ivelet” (“foolishness”) is practically endemic to youthfulness. It is no coincidence, the Ba’al Ha-turim suggests, that there is only one other relationship that is described with the term “keshura” – the relationship between a parent and his child. In the Ba’al Ha-turim’s words, “Because his foolishness is bound in him, his soul must be bound with his father’s soul, so he can educate him.”

Beyond the clever attempt to connect two verses that share an unusual word but otherwise have little to do with one another, the Ba’al Ha-turim here alludes to a fundamental truism about education. Youngsters are naturally attracted to “ivelet” – wrong behavior and the wrong decisions – and often, the most effective means of negating this force is to strengthen the bonds between them and their parents. The more youngsters are “bound” to their parents with bonds of love, affection and respect, the less likely they are to be “bound’ to “ivelet,” to negative behaviors and tendencies. The Ba’al Ha-turim here teaches – and challenges – us to try to strengthen the bonds with our children, even if for no other reason than to loosen the “bonds” that pull them in the wrong direction.

(Based on a sicha by the Tolna Rebbe Shlita)

Cut Out The Middle Man

Rabbi Frand 

We are all familiar with the story at the beginning of Vayigash of Yehudah approaching Yosef. When we left off at the end of last week’s parsha, the situation seemed desperate. Yosef said that he was going to keep Binyamin. The brothers knew that this would mean that Yaakov would not be able to deal with it and would die in grief for the double loss of the two children of his favorite wife.

Yehudah therefore approaches Yosef at the beginning of the parsha and makes his “speech”. However, anyone who has followed the narrative in the last couple of parshios will realize that this speech consists of nothing more than a repetition of all that has been said until now. There is nothing new in this speech. No new element; no new argument. Everything is already well known.

And yet, something happened. Yosef broke down when he heard this speech. He could take it no longer, started crying, and revealed himself to his brothers. What happened? What changed here?

Before answering this question, let us make another observation.

Yehudah uses a peculiar expression here. “Let me say something INTO THE EARS OF MY MASTER.” What do these extra words come to add?

Let us note something else: “Like you, so is Pharaoh.” (ki kamocha, k’Paroh). Rashi gives 4 different interpretations of this phrase: (1) You are yourself like a King; (2) Just like Pharaoh was smitten with leprosy when he kept Sara against her will, you too will be smitten with leprosy; (3) Just like Pharaoh does not keep his promises, you too do not keep your promises; (4) I will kill you and I will kill Pharaoh as well.

The Mizrachi asks on Rashi: We say that the Torah has 70 different facets (Ayin panim l’Torah), but it is rare to find two interpretations that are diametrically opposed to one another. First, Rashi interprets ki kamocha k’Paroh very positively: I respect you like Pharaoh; you are a King in my eyes like Pharaoh. Then Rashi says it means, “I will kill you like Pharaoh”, you are a liar like Pharaoh, you will get leprosy like Pharaoh. That is a total negation of the first interpretation! It is rare to find interpretations on the same expression that are so diametrically opposed.

I saw the following thought in the Sefer Heimah Yenachamuni by the Tolner Rebbe Shlita, who quotes several earlier sources as well: The answer to all of this can be found in the words of a Medrash. The Medrash compares this incident to a pasuk in Iyov [41:8] “Two people will approach one another and (they are so close that even) air does not come between them.” What does that mean?

Chazal say that the superiority of mankind over animals stems from the fact that we can speak. People can communicate. Now the truth is that animals communicate as well. It is not sophisticated communication but it is communication nevertheless. So what do the Rabbis mean when they speak of man as being unique in the fact that only he “speaks”? The answer is that animals and birds can communicate and transfer very basic information, but they cannot share feelings. They cannot share emotions.

The Targum translates the pasuk “and man was a living being” [Bereshis 2:7] as “l’ruach memallelah” – beings capable of expressing emotions to one another, thoughts, feelings, not mere transfer of information. Geese can transfer information through their squawking: “Hey guys, we’re going now!” But a goose cannot tell another goose how he is feeling or what he thinks of the other goose. That capability separates man from the animal kingdom.

There is a vast difference whether we are talking to someone directly or whether someone is standing in between the speaker and the listener. The halacha requires that members of the Sanhedrin know all 70 languages in order that they not need to hear testimony through an interpreter. As opposed to the American legal system, Jewish jurisprudence rules “by their mouth and not by their writing”: Witnesses must speak their testimony directly to the court. They cannot submit a written deposition.

The deposition is merely a statement of facts. But the Sanhedrin must KNOW what the witnesses are saying. They must know whether the people are telling the truth. The only way to do that is through speech – direct speech, people communicating to each other.

Rav Yitzchak Smelkes explains: Until now, there was an interpreter between Yosef and his brothers, but now Yehudah approached Yosef and said, “Let your servant speak words INTO THE EARS of my master.” No more interpreters. I want to talk to you directly – into your ears! I want you to hear from my mouth and I do not care whether you understand Hebrew or not. I want you to hear it from my mouth.

“I will prove it to you Yosef, with the words ‘Ki Kamocha k-Pharoah’. How is your interpreter going to interpret that? (You are great like Pharaoh? You are a liar like Pharaoh? You are a scoundrel like Pharaoh? I am going to kill you like Pharaoh?) Here are three words that can be interpreted in a myriad of ways! I do not know what the interpreter will be telling you, but I want you to listen to me directly.”

Yosef sent the interpreter away and everything changed. Yehudah, speaking directly to Yosef was able to convey the depths of emotions and the depths of anxiety and worry that Yosef had never really heard before. That is what changed.

There is a famous story with the Chofetz Chaim, z”l. At the end of his life, the Communist Government passed a decree that the Russian language had to be taught in Yeshivas. The Torah leaders of that generation viewed this to be a terrible spiritual threat to the Jewish people. The Choftez Chaim, together with a delegation of Rabbis went to the minister of education to plead the case on behalf of the Yeshivos.

The Chofetz Chaim was the elder Rabbinic statesmen of that generation. The plan was that he would come in to give words of blessing to the Minister of Education in Yiddish and then the other Rabbis of the delegation would present their case to the minister in Russian. However, the Chofetz Chaim deviated from the script. He came in and did not suffice with words of greeting but he made an impassioned plea to the minister in Yiddish to rescind the decree. The minister did not understand a word that the Chofetz Chaim said. However, when the Chafetz Chaim finished and the other Rabbis began their presentation in Russian, the minister told them to forget it. “You do not need to tell me anything, I will waive the decree for your community.” Somehow the Chofetz Chaim was able to powerfully communicate the message even though he delivered it in a language that was totally foreign to the minister. The minister changed his mind and the decree did not go through.

This is what happened with Yehudah and Yosef as well. Until now, there was an interpreter between them. Yehudah felt that the message was not getting through. He therefore insisted, “No more interpreters. You are going to listen to me!” That changed the day.