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Question:
I've never particularly liked being part of the Charedi sector. I will try to elaborate on the main things that bothered me: judgmentalism, social pressure, and a demand for conformity. The whole thing about "what will people say," racism, chauvinism, contempt and intolerance toward others, excessive dependence – in my opinion – on rabbis, non-Zionism, and education and work for boys/men; more generally, the insularity and lack of tolerance are processes I can understand where they come from, and perhaps they even make sense in principle and work (in terms of kids going OTD, etc.), but I don't feel comfortable with them and I don't see myself living according to them. I also don't really see a reason to want my husband to study all day. I'm not here to criticize the public (which also has many things I appreciate) and I hope not to offend anyone, but this is my own personal subjective feeling.
Meanwhile, as I grew older, I distanced myself from my parents in many ways in my lifestyle, but not much changed externally (I'm in a Charedi seminary as usual). Over time, I discovered other styles that interested me, and I found certain things in them appealing. For example, I liked the tolerance and community spirit in Chabad (although I don't connect with Hasidic teachings) and the diversity and Zionism in the Dati Leumi. This is important because I have to decide what type of boy to marry.
Answer:
Every individual person and society has it's pluses and minuses and pros and cons. Nobody is perfect. What is important is to be constantly striving for perfection - both on a personal and societal level. It is important to remember that when we see deficiencies.
Once I was sitting in a group of people from different sectors, and suddenly criticism of the Charedim arose within it. One person stood up and said that the Charedim marry in a very type of artificial, goal oriented way and tried to imply that Charedim marry without love. I listened very carefully to how people view us from the outside. And then a secular person stood up, a wise and talented young man whom I later got to know better, and said in surprise; excuse me, and when people get married near the age of 35-40 in our community, aren't we goal-oriented?
Boom! How right he was. And if you're getting married for practical reasons, maybe it's really better to do it at twenty, so you can run after grandchildren while you still have strength, and see a third and fourth generation, as is customary in Charedi families? Suddenly, my perspective on Charedi society changed, and the apparent weakness was illuminated with a precious light. (Later, that secular person died of cancer in his early forties, leaving behind a widow and young orphans, but of course, I didn't know this at the time).
And then the conversation continued. And this time, someone else brought to light the racist admission regulations that prevent Sephardic girls from entering Charedi seminaries. Again, that secular guy came to life and said, "Excuse me? And we're not racist? Go and see all the unique schools we've opened – inclusive, bilingual, etc. – and check how many students from Sefardi communities are in them. They charge high tuition fees, thereby preventing the entry of Sefardi students. So, while the Charedim do it openly, we do the same thing under the radar.
This conversation sparked a lot of thoughts in me. No, I am not happy that 'others are also not okay', and I also don't think that if others behave improperly, it justifies the accepted wrongs in our field. No and no.
But this external perspective that I was exposed to through the eyes of Israeli society looking at us, made me understand that יצר לב האדם רע מנעוריו - the human heart is evil from youth, that we all, all societies, all communities, and all groups, deal with the passions of lust, envy, and honor, and perhaps we more easily see the shortcomings of those close to us, but the other person's grass isn't really greener. And if we get closer to it, we will discover the weaknesses of every society, the shortcomings of every community.
So what are you saying, I hear you in my imagination, that there's nothing to be done? Should I just accept such dark spots? That I should silence the moral voice that burns within me, and knows how to point out inappropriate 'social' behaviors?
No and no.
I do suggest you try to adopt an עין טובה - a more positive perspective, and then you'll discover that every disadvantage also stems from an advantage, and every negative trait has a positive side. The Gemara says in Tractate Rosh Hashanah 23b: "The sun has never seen the moon's imperfection." The sun never sees the dark side of the moon. Not because he doesn't have dark sides, but because in her gaze, in the way she looks at him, she herself is the one who illuminates him. We don't just 'photograph' the world and reflect what exists in it; we create it with our gaze. We decide what we see, what catches our eye, and most importantly, we interpret what we see, thereby determining what we will see.
So, it's true that there's a technical aspect to practicality in marriage, which places less emphasis on butterflies and romance, but it's impossible to ignore the fact that anyone who bases their choice of partner solely on romantic considerations quickly discovers that after love at first sight comes separation at second glance. And it's true that living with a community commitment exposes you more to "what people will say" and social pressure, but there is also much more dedication to each other, much more caring and charity, and much more help for others and mutual responsibility that prevents individuals from falling into economic and mental pitfalls. (It is known that banks in Charedi communities are more generous in providing credit to people who are part of an established community, knowing that if they have difficulty repaying debts, the community will assist them). And it's true that many take the value of 'make for yourself a rabbi' to the extreme, where they no longer use their minds at all, and lose the traditional Torah judgment that is given to anyone in whom God has instilled good sense and the ability to choose. However, on the other hand, excessive listening to the inner and personal voice and making it the be-all and end-all has a huge price in your ability to pass on the tradition of your ancestors to your child and you will falsely hope that he will want to be another link in the chain of generations.
The ability to see the world less in black and white, as if the Charedim are evil and sinful, and everyone around me is nice, accepting, and grateful to the people and the country, will allow you to take from each community around you the characteristic in which it excels, and embrace it.
There is no problem being who you are and elevating yourself by embracing the good and Jew-loving eye characteristic of the Chabad movement, by being more Zionist, loving the people and being grateful to the country, appreciating and praying for the well-being of the Israel Defense Forces soldiers who give their lives for us like the religious Zionists, and even by being more connected to the Torah and the Jewish intellectual bookshelf as is customary in the Litvish world.
Let us conclude our remarks with the wise words of Rabbi Chaim of Sanz, who used to say:
In my youth, I was filled with a burning desire and thought that I could fix the whole world; as I grew older, I despaired of fixing the world and thought I could fix the people in my city; when I realized that this was also impossible, I thought I could fix my family; and when I failed at that, I concluded that I needed to fix myself. And when I worked on myself, my family was naturally affected by it, and naturally all the people in my city, and naturally the whole world.
I am confident that such training, and adopting such a perspective, will also best prepare you for building your married home with God's help.
And then, even if you discover that your partner or children have traits that don't always bring you joy, you'll be able to see the bright sides of every such annoying trait. I wish you success in cultivating 'positive criticism' that sees the opposite of what appears to be true, and the good side behind negative phenomena, and can therefore strengthen the positive aspect without paying the negative price, and thus color the green myself, especially in the grass close to me. This is a life-changing gift!!!
Translated from Akshiva
