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I'm a regular reader of the site and am constantly amazed by the depth, wisdom, sensitivity, and understanding that the respondents demonstrate. I have a more theoretical question, but it affects daily life. I once learned and read that for a relationship to be stable and deep, intimacy occurs when there is vulnerability. That is to say, in a marital relationship, we are supposed to need each other, to have to ask for help, etc. I recently heard about the differentiation method, which places the self separately within a relationship. As I understand it, one of the principles of the method is that we supposedly choose our togetherness, we are not needy and don't need each other. I would appreciate it if you could clarify the difference or the principles because, as far as I understand, it's quite contradictory. That is to say, if I am whole within a relationship, why would I want to interact with the other person? Is it OK to be needy in a relationship?
Answer:
You are touching on an extremely important topic, and in your inquiry, you mentioned important concepts from the world of differentiation (such as: vulnerability, dependence, self, whole). In the following lines, I will try to present the approach, hoping that the topic will become clearer to you and perhaps even assist you in your personal life.
Observing nature can sometimes teach us about spiritual processes. It is precisely from the physical world that we see and experience that we can understand mental or spiritual principles. When studying the topic of differentiation, it can be understood in depth by looking at the development of the living cell.
The formation of the embryo is a great wonder. The meeting of two different cells creates a new type of cell from which, slowly, throughout pregnancy, all human cells develop.
And see what a wonder, from two different types of cells, a third cell is created, and from this third cell, more and more cells begin to form, each with a different function and purpose. From that same cell, the heart, lungs, fingers, eyes, and even hair are formed.
What's amazing is that the developing cell doesn't replicate the original cell; in other words, it won't be another copy of the same cell. Instead, each cell grows to have its own unique function, specific expression, and individual self-realization, all while maintaining reciprocity and a complete and deep relationship with the other cells. The little toe receives instructions from the brain and blood from the heart. The heart provides the various organs of the body with necessary oxygen and nutrients, and removes waste.
From the workings of the human body, we can learn a lot about distinctiveness.
Each of us grows up with our unique DNA, our personal stamp, and the message we bring to the world, but at the same time, we are inspired and maintain deep and close relationships with those around us: with our parents, siblings, and so on.
Distinctiveness is essentially the ability to be fully present internally, to my feelings, needs, and values, while simultaneously maintaining deep and meaningful connections with another person.
Imagine an axis, the axis of relationships. At one end, there is complete symbiosis. Complete integration of one into the other, instead of two separate people – one person (composed of two people who have merged into each other). At the other end, there is complete autonomy – absolute separation, two different people. Often, couples enter marriage with a dream of becoming "one" in a way where one is absorbed into the other. This can be seen a lot in young people at the beginning of a relationship. I'll give an extreme example: a woman who gives up her personal taste in clothes in favor of clothes that please her husband. In a symbiotic system, we identify a lack of internal attention, but rather self-definition through the other. A woman in complete separation (the other end of the relationship spectrum) might wear clothes that are contrary to her husband's taste. A woman who is in a state of distinction will be able to identify her inner desire or taste, but she will communicate with her husband. She will share what she likes, he will share what he finds appealing, meaning, she will listen and identify her inner desire, but she will check where her desire meets her husband's desire.
Distinctiveness is a wonderful tool that teaches us to look inward, to identify, and to listen, while at the same time meeting the other.
A woman needs to be seen, to be listened to, to be given warmth and compassion. If she is completely separate, she doesn't expect anything from her husband. In such a relationship, her husband is practically a stranger, and just as she wouldn't expect compliments or kind words from a stranger, she wouldn't expect them from her husband either.
A woman in complete symbiosis will "breathe her emotional breaths" through him. If he said a kind word to her, she would feel valued, and if he didn't meet her emotional need, she would experience a very powerful feeling of being undermined. She has no right to exist if her husband doesn't provide for her emotional needs.
There are places where education dictates that a woman must "subdue" her will in the face of the will of Halacha, her parents, or societal dictates, which is why many of us don't know how to recognize the delicate inner voice, which is sometimes covered by thousands of silencing voices. Therefore, we need to do significant work of clarification, which is essentially work of spiritual development and growth, and the foundation is my ability as a woman to listen to my heart, identify the inner need that arises within me, and convey it to the world.
This doesn't mean my opinion will always be accepted, and it doesn't mean my opinion will always be dismissed. This means I bring my inner self to my relationship, to parenthood, and to the world in general, and I mediate it with a deep understanding that sometimes they will agree with me, and sometimes they won't. Distinctiveness seeks to offer a path that says: Even if I'm not currently getting my emotional needs met by my husband, I'm not collapsing, I'm standing on my own two feet, I have a place.
This is where the issue of vulnerability and need that you mentioned comes into play, because internal emotional mediation is very delicate and intimate. Participating in it involves a certain risk; perhaps my husband won't give me his blessing? Perhaps he won't be sensitive enough to the deep emotions I'll bring? Unlike the edge of separateness, distinctness is a deep agreement to be vulnerable within a relationship, to successfully mediate my inner world, and to risk rejection. Sometimes my husband will understand me and give me what I need, and sometimes he won't.
In a healthy marriage, we will constantly strive for this movement between internal recognition and mediation, and with full agreement to hear "no." The understanding that my husband is a person in his own right, and is not required to merge with me and always meet my needs, and also the opposite: the understanding that I am a person in my own right, and am not required to merge with his needs and always meet them.
The two ends of the spectrum express an "either-or" idea, a "win-lose" system. A woman living in a symbiotic relationship and not accustomed to inner attention will often defer to her husband's opinion - "we will go away or not go away for Shabbos - whatever you want". Even a woman living in a system of separation lives according to the idea of "either-or," "I'll travel alone, and you can do whatever you want."
In contrast, a woman who lives with distinction will first identify an internal desire arising within her and mediate it: "I prefer to travel this weekend. My brother is coming back from yeshiva and it will really make me happy to see him." On the other hand, she will also be attentive to her husband's needs: "Where would you prefer to be on Shabbos?" In other words, it's a "both and" situation: my voice is heard, and, no less importantly, his voice is heard as well. There's no one side here that's expressed by erasing the other; rather, there's listening to and recognizing both sides: I'm true to myself, and I'm also listening, considerate, and respectful of others.
I'll give you another example: she wants to go to the park with the children and needs a car. If she's in a symbiotic relationship, she might ask her husband, "Can I go out?" and she'll accept his opinion as it is: "Not today, better tomorrow," or even "It's not worth going to the park at all." She will ignore the inner need that arises within her and completely accept his opinion.
A woman in a separate relationship will either take the car without informing her husband, or she will inform him without hearing how, whether, and when it works for him.
In contrast, a discerning woman will listen to her own needs, listen to her husband's needs, and from that make a decision that is both true to herself and respectful of the other person.
Here's another example – a woman who knows her husband really loves coming home to a tidy house. If it's symbiotic, she'll get up and tidy the house no matter what. Even if she's tired and broken, she'll get back up. As if her husband's will is her will. A woman who is emotionally detached will not consider her husband's wishes at all. If she feels the urge to tidy up, she will, and if not, she won't.
A distinguished woman wants to please her husband, but she wants to be true to her own strengths. In such a case, for example, she might call and say, "I really want to make you happy and tidy up the house, but I'm so tired from today, so I'm going to rest."
The message of distinction is identification and mediation.
To identify the inner emotional need, and to mediate it to the world from a place of inner loyalty and external respect. We are not swallowed up, but we are also not completely autonomous. We are attentive inwardly, but at the same time ("both and") we communicate this to others.
Distinctiveness is holding my self, as a person with a rich inner world, with feelings, needs, ideas, dreams, and cracks, and mediating it to the other, out of respect and understanding that they are a close partner on the journey, not a supplier of my needs.
I hope this was helpful.
Traslated from Akshiva
