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Question:
We are a young couple married for only a few months.
There are quite a few gaps between us, we are in couples therapy and currently we have focused on a few red lines that I cannot give up, even at the cost of divorce.
I love her very much and it is very difficult for me to set boundaries for her, and it hurts me even more that she even wants these things, but one of the hardest things for her is about the internet.
She has a device without any filtering right now, and she watches movies, etc. She claims that this generation needs it and she knows how to set her own boundaries and I don't think there is such a thing as boundaries by oneself, and I told her that I have no ability to trust someone who has an unfiltered device, etc. and I want her to block it completely and leave only basic things that are not a problem.
It's really hard, she doesn't want us to separate, but we realized that if she gives up, she will suppress herself and give up her dream and her life, and if I give up then I will suppress myself, etc.
What is the solution?
Answer:
Dear questioner!
Since you are still in your first year of marriage, I wish you a choice full of a full heart - whether to build or, unfortunately, to break up, and great shared joy if you decide to continue your shared path.
According to your description, you are facing a difficult conflict in which each one is trying to maintain their boundaries: your boundaries are a filtered internet, while hers is to live her life as she sees fit.
This conflict seems unsolvable, because your boundaries contradict each other, and it is important for each of you to adhere strictly to your boundaries, which is appropriate for a marriage in its early stages...
But in truth, I read in your words another issue that is being tested between you, and that is your trust in your wife. You cannot trust her as long as she has a device with unfiltered access to the internet. I wonder what is the reason you don't trust her, what are you afraid will happen, and what is the reason you are afraid of that?
You are welcome to reply to my answer. Until then, I will share with you some insights about trust.
Some people think that trust depends on the person or the situation. That it is a kind of mathematical data that either exists or does not. In truth, trust in general, and especially trust within a close relationship, is something that is built through mutual investment over time.
Imagine that you meet a complete stranger on the street who offers you to invest your best money in some investment. Would you rush to give him your money and trust him? Would you expect him to trust you and bring you his money? The trust we are required to give and receive within a marital relationship is infinitely greater than a financial investment. Our souls, our greatest secrets, our most intimate relationships, and everything that a sacred marital covenant constitutes are expressed there.
We invest even more there: the possibility of bringing new life - a new child into the world, who is in our image as our likeness, really part of us, and requires the most delicate and devoted care. How much trust does it take to make such a covenant with another person!
Indeed, the root of the word "trust" is in "Oman" or "Omenet" (The Sefer HaAruch, entry Amen), and the root of the word "Oman" is in "Em" (mother), because the greatest trust that exists is between the suckling and his mother. He is completely dependent on her and must give her full trust for his very existence and basic survival.
How is trust built? First of all, building trust is mutual. That is, both sides invest in it. And beyond the general investment in the relationship that contributes in every situation, there is a specific investment of trust here, in two opposite forms.
The first form is to provide and transmit trust, that is, to be loyal to the spouse, and to help my spouse see that. This passes first of all through loyalty to the covenant and the agreements between us, and then through transparency in my actions and behavior, clear communication, a predictable daily routine and predictable and consistent behavior.
The second way is more surprising - to give trust. Just like with children, the more we trust them, the more trust they provide. When the other person feels that we do not trust him, he may despair of being loyal or may even adapt to our expectations of him, and in the end - be disloyal. This is the case with children, and this is also the case with adults, because we are all a bit like children. On the other hand, when we give trust, we usually get loyalty back.
There is no doubt that there are always small slips "for there is not a just man upon earth, that does good, and doesn't sin" (Ecclesiastes 7:20). But like everything in life, the big picture covers the details. Therefore, when we are generally loyal and make sure to convey it, and when we give room for trust - even if there are small slips here and there - we will also receive loyalty from the other person to us and trust from the other person in us.
And if you ask - it's paradoxical! How can I trust the other person as long as the other person's loyalty has not been proven to me?! The difficult yet liberating answer is that this is the nature of the world. We must decide that the person in front of us has the potential to be loyal, and then invest our loyalty and trust, and only then can we get it back.
So far, these things are said about trust. As I wrote, I do not know the specific reason why you do not trust your new wife, but in general, because I assume that you have already made the fundamental decision that she is worthy of your trust before you got married, a good way to receive her loyalty to you is to give her loyalty, and also to trust her that she will be loyal to you. In this case, it is about trusting her personal and spiritual choices and that they will not harm your marital relationship and covenant.
In conclusion, I will share with you some insights about boundaries. You described that there are no good boundaries between you because she crosses your boundary by having a device without internet filtering.
In truth, boundaries belong to our personal and private areas.
And just like trust, if we expect our spouse to respect our boundary, we must respect his boundary.
What is this like? To the borders of a country: my border is at the edge of my territory, and in order for the neighboring country not to invade my borders, I must not invade its borders.
Your great involvement in your wife's personal choices, which is understandable in light of the distrust that prevails between you now, is in itself a breach of boundaries, and certainly invites a breach of boundaries.
And here I want to say something much deeper and truer. The boundaries start from within.
When I understand that I am sovereign over myself, that is, that I am responsible for my actions and choose them and am not dragged after anything - I do not allow things from the outside to undermine my personal boundaries, and when I start living according to this principle, then I can set real boundaries.
And then I can start to see and understand that each person is responsible for his own boundaries, as your wife is responsible for her personal and spiritual boundaries, and there is really no need to interfere in the boundaries of another, as the sages said about the proper relationship between the different groups in the people of Israel: "Just as he does not break into my work, so I do not break into his work" (Berachot 17a).
Healthy trust, along with healthy internal and marital boundaries, are the best recipe for love and abundant giving and a close and intimate connection.
Much hatzlacha!
