The brain likes to glom onto insults and injustices. Why did she say that? I am so offended. We love to stew and roll around in the milieu of grumblings and grudges. The cynicism we engage in is a built-in tendency in which people pay more attention to, remember, and are more affected by negative information or events than by positive or neutral ones, even when all are equal in significance. We pay attention to the bad stuff—a mindset ensuring that slights and grievances stay with us.
Holding onto a grudge is consistently associated with negative mental and physical health. Feeling resentment and grievance collecting can increase stress, anxiety, and depression. This inability to let go of a perceived offense is related to persistent negative affect and rumination. Chronic resentment can also compromise the immune system, allowing illness and disease to take hold.
Research that appeared in the journal Qualitative Psychology found several components of grudge-holding, including needing validation, moral superiority, the inability to let go, latency (present but in an unobserved or undeveloped state), severing ties, and expectations for the future. Grudge holding can be cyclical, with persistent intrusive thoughts hindering quality of life. These negative thoughts of hurt and anger may abate over time, but they are easily summoned to the forefront of the mind.
The mind can then set itself on a loop; the default mode network, interconnected brain regions, becomes more active during rest or inward-focused thinking, the type of thought where we chew over the past or ruminate about the future. It is less active when the brain is engaged with an external task or stimulus, for example, while operating heavy machinery. The network kicks in when routine takes over.
This automatic system allows the grievance to wallow in the mind. Such a disgruntled mindset is like blame-thinking, which may even turn insidious, paving the path to victimhood, where the role of the martyr is assumed. We resent and blame, and we make a lot of excuses about the misery we feel.
From 2006 to 2022, countries worldwide have seen a rise in such negativity—anxiety, fear, sadness, and anger are highlights. It’s no wonder distrust and incivility are widespread. The media and politicians perpetuate the negativity; they feed us bad news for profit and power. They know we have to be alert to the negatives of life; they know that positives fade, and that bad stuff and grievances have a lasting impression.
Seeing the negative realistically
Looking at our negativity and mood states differently may help. Westerners avoid hard emotions like sadness and fear, but accepting these emotions can make life more fluid and true. We can learn from collectivist societies, such as those in East Asia or Africa. We can, like them, be more neutral about our emotions and experiences. Giving unhappy thoughts less emotional weight and observing them from a distance may help. If we do so, we may be less inclined to wind ourselves into a knot over our grudges.
The act of forgiveness can also be a healthy antidote. When we forgive and let go of the grievance, we can experience positive well-being and better relationships. Forgiveness benefits us mentally and physically. Letting go of resentment and showing others grace allows us to experience less anger and distress, and in turn, reduce stress and anxiety while boosting our overall well-being as well.
Adapted from the book How to Be Less Miserable. Blackstone Publishing, 2025.
References
Examining the Lived Experience of Holding Grudges. American Psychological Association Qualitative Psychology. 2021. E. van Monsjou et al.
Bearing grudges and physical health: relationship to smoking, cardiovascular health, and ulcers. Social Psychiatry and Psychiatric Epidemiology. 2009. E. Messias et al.
Granting forgiveness or harboring grudges: Implications for emotion, physiology, and health. Psychological Science. 2001. C. vanOyen Witvliet et al.
