B'chasdei Hashem, over the past almost 20 years, Beis Mevakesh Lev has produced over 13,300 audio shiurim and over 31,000 written posts, unmatched by any one-person website - all completely free of charge. There are no paywalls or anything else. Now we are turning to you for help so we can continue - any amount will help. Even 99 cents! Thank you to my sweetest and most beloved friends!!!:-)!!
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Question:
How do I deal with thoughts that are killing me? These are several types of thoughts. There are the memories. Things I did twenty or thirty years ago, and when I remember them, I shudder at what I was capable of and what embarrassments, etc., even though the chances of anyone remembering them are less than zero. And there are also the crazy thoughts, especially while driving. If I take my eyes off the road for even a second on a completely empty highway, I start to think that maybe someone jumped in front of my car at that exact moment I didn't see, or even without that. I was just passing a pedestrian walking on the sidewalk and I'm checking the mirror to see if he's still walking or if he was hit by me, in the best case scenario. Sometimes I also do a U-turn and go back on the same route to make sure no one is lying on the road groaning in pain or that Magen David Adom is not treating anyone.
How can I deal with these thoughts?
Answer:
You describe types of "thoughts" on various topics that cause you excessive suffering, something that is not typical compared to other people in your experience. You have memories of things from the past that occupy your thoughts, things that happened to you in the past, and your "conscience" that bothers you with thoughts of whether you were right or wrong. In fact, in almost everything you ask yourself if you could have done things differently, or you feel you didn't do enough. And especially, you feel that something is constantly occupying your mind, and not allowing you to lead a peaceful and quiet life. You also described your concerns about driving and your fears that something terrible might have happened, which sometimes makes you go back and check that nothing is wrong.
The common denominator is the constant preoccupation with thoughts that "catch on something else" each time, effectively preventing you from finding rest and peace. These thoughts also cause you pain and distress in your daily life, and prevent you from functioning normally.
First, I feel your great pain. This is indeed a struggle that is very difficult to live with, to have a peaceful and quiet life as you would want for yourself.
From my experience as a therapist, the way to deal with such thoughts is not to fight them, because then the chance of success is zero. Since we naturally tend to think more about any thought we resist, the brain thinks about it more.
I'll give you an example and we'll practice it together: If I ask you right now not to think about a white bear, you'll likely think about a white bear first, and that will only increase your thoughts about white bears. And the more I ask you repeatedly not to think about white bears, the more likely it is that it will only get worse. If you try to imagine it, it's exactly like a spring – the more I press it, the further it will release.
There are different ways to deal with such intrusive thoughts. One method I recommend you try is not to fight the thought that comes and torments you, but rather to learn to live with it. Because you need to know that just as the thot comes, it also goes. And the less attention you pay to it and the more you continue to behave normally, the more it will diminish.
Although it might be bothersome at first, the goal is to keep moving forward despite the thoughts, because what the evil inclination wants is for us to stop and despair, and the wisdom is to keep looking ahead and focusing on the future.
And as explained in books in the name of the Gra (Proverbs 10:27) regarding the verse "The fear of Hashem adds days," when a person is always in awe and fear, his life is not life. But the fear of Hashem adds days, and it is not like other fears.
Explanation: Most of the fears and anxieties that people have are not good and are harmful to physical health. Therefore, it is a mistake for someone to compare the fear of God to other fears and anxieties that one should be afraid of sin, as the fear of God is meant to prolong life. The way is always to think in a positive direction: what do I need to do and how to move forward despite my fears, and not to focus on my less good parts, and that's also what will help me overcome this in the future.
If you feel you haven't been able to help yourself, I suggest seeking professional therapeutic help in the field, who can assist you in properly coping with the thoughts you're experiencing and that are making things difficult for you. From my experience in this field, the good news is that these kinds of problems can be treated by seeing a professional in the field. It's possible that at the beginning of emotional therapy, you may need to take medication to allow for effective emotional treatment, but this will only help you reduce the distress you are currently dealing with.
Hatzlacha!
Translated from Akshiva
