In life, it is not always the one with the most Torah knowledge or the greatest physical strength who navigates the community most successfully—it is the person who possesses Middos. They understand their own Yetzer Hara (inclination), perceive the feelings of their fellow Jew, and act with Sechel (wisdom) and Anavah (humility). They have emotional intelligence.
The following 20 principles reveal how a person of character interacts, communicates, and thrives within the framework of Derech Eretz.
1. Avoid Casual Indifference
Avoid saying "whatever" when asked for an opinion. It can signal a lack of Chesed or decisiveness. Instead, offer a choice: "I am happy with either option—what do you prefer?"
2. Guard Your Tongue
Never speak ill of others. Lashon Hara creates a spiritual barrier and eventually returns to harm the speaker.
"Who is the man who desires life... Guard your tongue from evil" (Tehillim 34).
3. Take Responsibility in Failure
When a communal or family project fails, avoid pointing fingers. First, look inward at your own role. People naturally respect a person of integrity, and they will be more willing to stand by you next time.
Vidui is אשמנו בגדנו etc. WE did wrong - not YOU did wrong.
4. Practice Holy Subtlety
It is wise to sometimes appear less knowing than you are. Leaving "space" in a conversation—giving others room to shine—protects relationships and prevents pride.
5. Protect Another’s Dignity
If someone stumbles or makes a mistake in public, do not mock them. Offer help or quickly change the subject to save them from Bushah (shame).
Shaming someone in public is akin to shedding their blood. גדול כבוד הבריות שדוחה לא תעשה שבתורה.
6. Use a Pleasant Countenance
Replace a cold nod with a warm, genuine smile. A friendly disposition eases tension and fulfills the mitzvah of receiving everyone with a "cheerful face."
הוי מקבל כל אדם בסבר פנים יפות - receive every person with a pleasant expression.
7. Celebrate Another's Simcha
Sincerely congratulate others on their achievements. To feel "Ayin Hara" (an evil eye) or jealousy only binds the soul; generous praise creates Ahava, Achva Shalom and Reyus.
It is much harder to rejoice at your friend's good fortune that to feel sympathy at his misfortune.
8. Practice Restraint
Do not push yourself to the absolute limit just to prove a point. If someone challenges you, showing you can stop just short of the finish line demonstrates Gevurah (strength of character).
איזהו גיבור? הכובש את יצרו.
9. Argue with Calmness
In a disagreement, keep your voice low. Even if you are 100% right, yelling silences the truth. Present your view softly; this earns true respect.
מענה רך משיב חימה.
10. The Power of Silence
When someone hesitates to speak, do not rush them. Wait patiently. Silence often allows a person to find the courage to speak their truth.
כל ימי גדלתי בין החכמים ולא מצאתי לגוף טוב משתיקה - "All my days I have grown up among the wise and have found nothing better for my body than silence."
11. Honor Your Elders
With nagging or repetitive elders, remain patient and attentive. Even if you have heard the story a hundred times, respond with a smile. This is the essence of Kibbud Zekanim.
והדרת פני זקן!
12. Hide Your Successes
Never flaunt your wealth or your children’s accomplishments. Modesty (Tzniut) preserves peace and prevents the jealousy of others.
והצנע לכת עם השם א-להיך!
13. Maintain Boundaries
Do not allow others to treat you like a doormat. If you habitually comply with every demand, you lose the ability to serve Hashem with intention. Boundaries are a form of self-respect.
"חייך קודמין"!!
14. Empathize Without Meddling
When a friend complains, listen and acknowledge their pain. "I can see why that is difficult," is often better than giving unsolicited advice or trying to "fix" their life.
Do not judge your fellow until you have reached his place.
15. Value Your Time
Politely decline invitations that don't align with your spiritual or personal needs. You are the steward of the time Hashem gave you.
The first mitzva given to Klal Yisrael was to sanctify time!!
16. Control Your Anger
Even when justified, do not erupt in public. Find a private moment to express your disappointment. Anger is likened to idol worship because it replaces G-d with one's own ego.
טוֹב אֶרֶךְ אַפַּיִם מִגִּבּוֹר וּמֹשֵׁל בְּרוּחוֹ מִלֹּכֵד עִיר.
17. Practice Discretion
Do not reveal your inner struggles or secrets to everyone. Prudence preserves your spiritual stability.
הוֹלֵךְ רָכִיל מְגַלֶּה־סּוֹד וְנֶאֱמַן־רוּחַ מְכַסֶּה דָבָר - "A person of spirit conceals the matter."
18. Do Not Be a Taker
Never let others help you for free repeatedly without offering something in return. Relationships require a balance of Giving and Taking.
"A hater of gifts shall live."
19. Recognize Wisdom in Others
If someone instantly makes you feel comfortable and understood, realize they likely possess understanding. They are lowering themselves to meet you where you are.
Refining one's Middos is not about manipulation—it is about Tikun HaNeshama (refining the soul).
