U.S. — A groundbreaking NIH study has finally proven what every husband has screamed internally for decades: the agony of walking behind a really slow person is basically identical to childbirth pain—for men.
"Maybe my wife will finally be quiet about 'real pain,'" NIH Director Phillip Rone declared while clutching his shopping cart like a lifeline. "I've suffered more in the cereal aisle than she did delivering our triplets. And I still had to pay for the Frosted Flakes."
The peer-reviewed research revealed that men trapped behind a dawdler trigger a hormonal tsunami: cortisol spikes, testosterone plummets, veins bulge, and the body experiences what researchers called "spontaneous soul-ripping." Symptoms include dry-heaving, phantom contractions, sudden urges to scream "MOVE, SUSAN!", and an overwhelming conviction that your wife planned this torture as revenge for forgetting the milk in 2017.
Women, meanwhile, reported zero issues. "I just… walk around them?" said participant Holly McIntyre, who was promptly labeled a sociopath by the male cohort.
A large portion of the study highlights the experience of SUBJECT 37, who reportedly collapsed to the floor and cried after being stuck behind a slow person for over ten minutes and thirty-eight seconds. He ranted in obscenities, accusing his wife of signing him up for the study just so they could make a quick buck. "Why doesn't she care about my feelings? I need an epidural," the study records him saying.
Even President Trump weighed in during an emergency Rose Garden presser: "Tremendous study. Tremendous. These slow-walkers? They're monsters. Absolute monsters. They're hurting our men—our beautiful, fast-walking men. I walk so fast, people say, 'Sir, you're basically sprinting in dress shoes.' It's true. Believe me. We're gonna build a wall around the produce section. And Mexico is paying for the passing lane. Did you ever see sleepy Joe walk? Pathetic. Just pathetic. Slower than a turtle with a serious case of gout."
At press time, the administration had fast-tracked legislation declaring slow-walkers, aisle-blockers, and anyone who stops dead in doorways a Level-1 national security threat. Proposed penalties include mandatory speed-walking boot camp and lifetime bans from Walmart.
