Hi Allan,
On behalf of our students who benefit from your generosity, thank you so much for your donation to Yeshiva -----. Your support is essential for the programs, facilities, and opportunities that we provide to our students.
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Dear Yeshiva ----,
I have no employer. I am unemployed and have been so for years. I am a big loser and nobody wants me. I don't want sympathy. Just saying. After Rav Salomon was niftar, I heard that Lakewood was looking for a new Mashgiach so I sent them my resume. I have many years of experience in the Kashrus industry. I worked for the OU, the OK, the Chof K, the BK ["Bogus Kashrus"], the KKK [hey, those guys with the white hoods have to eat. Let them at least eat kosher] and other prominent organizations [I was the Mashgiach Kashrus for the CIA and FBI - but that is a secret]. The only response I received [after having to wait two weeks!!!] was "You are a clown".
I took that as a compliment.
I tried to break into the real estate market and attempted to buy buildings on West End Avenue like the other Jews but alas, it turns out that in order to purchase apartment buildings you need big time capital and some good credit at the bank. So there went that idea.
I thought about starting a hedge fund but frankly, I haven't the foggiest idea what a hedge fund is - only that if I had attended Ramaz and then gone on to Wharton Business School I would have more of an idea [in addition to high student debt]. But I didn't because it was hard enough to concentrate during gemara class. With all those girls in the room it would have been all that much harder. I mean, I was only a teenager!!! Today, I don't know much gemara and am secure in the knowledge that most of the girls who would have been in my class do not either. And, like me, they kept their maiden names after their marriages. Unlike me, they all had three children. I have ... I don't want to give a number. The Ayin Hara thing, you know. Plus, my wife is only 50 so she can still have more אי"ה [hey - didn't you ever hear of Sarah Imeinu??!].
And my name is "Elchonon". "Allan" was what I was called before I converted to Judaism. I would have been the first black convert in my neighborhood had I actually converted and been black. If the "ch" sound is hard for you, you can call me "Ally". As in Ally Sheedy, Ali McGraw, and Muhammed Ali.
So if you can get me that Mashgiach job I would appreciate it and then my employer can match my colossal donation of $18.18. חי-חי!
Am Yisrael Chai!!!!
