Daniel and Naama are parents of a six-month-old baby. They started their married life with great love. Daniel continued hanging out with his friends and Naama didn't mind, until... Naama gave birth. He felt like his life was over. He found it difficult to give up going out with his friends. He was angry when Naama asked for help and reacted with frustration, saying she was "ruining his life." Naama, on the other hand, was constantly under pressure. "I do everything myself and he still expects me to feel sorry for him. When it was just the two of us, I indulged him. But now, I'm collapsing and he's still coming at me with accusations that I took away his freedom...".
In our meetings, the gap between them was revealed:
Daniel grew up as a spoiled youngest child. He wasn't required to show emotional or functional responsibility, and his parents did everything for him. He would go out with "friends" without restrictions, so he didn't know how to deal with boundaries.
In contrast, Naama grew up as the daughter of divorced parents, so she learned from a young age that she had to fend for herself, while feeling that life was heavy on her. Now that they are parents, Naama feels lonely and that she is solely responsible for parenting. Daniel is not her partner and does not share in parenting, as she expects. Daniel feels that his ability to "enjoy life" has been taken away from him. Therefore, he helps a little when he has no choice, and "thanks" to the help, he allows himself to go out with friends and leaves his wife frustrated and sad. Their interaction was more like that of a mother and teenage boy, not really as equals, with shared values, responsibility, and commitment.
Daniel isn't really selfish. He's acting from the child who hasn't yet learned to cope. Therefore, difficulty poses a threat to him. A request is interpreted by him as criticism, and then he has "good reasons" to oppose and be angry with her. He didn't develop an internal capacity to live with emotional complexity: to observe his own feelings and his wife's feelings and contain both, with understanding and acceptance.
Naama, on the other hand, is driven by a fundamental belief that she grew up with, that "no one will really be there for me." She expected that at least he, as a loving partner, would see her and be there for her in every situation. Therefore, when her husband opposes her requests, or does the bare minimum, she feels lonely. To get him back, she attacks him with insults, accuses him of immaturity, which pushes him further away from her. Naama feels helpless, neglected, and sad.
Although Daniel and Naama are a young couple whose immaturity is very evident in their relationship. However, from my experience, there are couples who have been married for many years and still lack emotional and mental maturity. There are those who get married and expand their families, even tho as children they were not taught or guided on how to behave responsibly and with personal commitment. Therefore, they struggle with responsibility and commitment in their relationships as adults. The one who manages them is the "inner child."
For example: A woman crying and even hysterical because her husband doesn't meet her basic emotional needs. She needs them desperately and therefore demands from him, because she doesn't know how to meet her own needs and be independent. The "inner child" who didn't receive emotional support from her parents now demands fulfillment from her husband in adulthood. Fulfilling emotional needs between partners is different from fulfilling parental needs. Or a man who has no personal responsibility for himself, because he didn't see a good example from his parents, might run away from commitments. Not because he doesn't care, he's a good person, but he has no idea how to take emotional responsibility for his wife and children. He's at a loss and might yell at his children to leave him alone or go to sleep already, etc., instead of being understanding, guiding, and directing, which is a parental role. He's not really a parent mentally, but a child in an adult's body.
When do the gaps between the couple become apparent? For example:
When a child is born, as in the case of Daniel and Naama.
When there are changes in life. Such as obligations to family and/or buying a house.
When one person develops mentally and emotionally and the other is stuck in the same emotional pattern.
When an unexpected crisis arises. Such as illness, job loss, etc.
For a marriage to be healthy and relaxed, it's important for couples to be attentive to the emotional patterns from their childhood and for each of them to take personal responsibility for completing the emotional gaps from childhood and adolescence. Marriage is not built solely on love and attraction. When there is emotional maturity with commitment, that maturity develops through the real challenges that life presents. Immaturity is not a foregone conclusion. It's important to stop, listen inward, identify the negative emotional patterns that are driving the relationship, and learn how to break free from them.
Because when a person has a relationship with themselves – the relationship in marriage is good and enjoyable.
Translated from Esther Avrahami
