Are you tired of your haggard, worn-out individualism? Are you sick of the rich getting richer while you only get moderately richer? Billionaires are bad for society, and honestly, nobody needs that many yachts when most of us are just trying to afford the fancy butter.
Are you tired of living in a country where people can work hard and save money to buy whatever property they desire? How selfish! For centuries we’ve treated property as an individualized good and not a collective good, like a giant, mandatory communal toothbrush. We are supposed to stand with each other and help each other through everything that is happening, whether you want to or not.
I’m tired too. My legs hurt from carrying my own wallet. Join me as we replace that cold, insensitive individualism with the glowing, radiation-like warmth of collectivism. With collectivism, everyone will have the exact same amount of money: zero. No more worrying about where you will live because the government will take care of all your housing needs, likely in a charming concrete cube with a view of a different concrete cube.
No more having to manage the clutter of your many things strewn about the house, because you won’t have any things. Imagine the sheer brainpower you'll save when your entire wardrobe is just one government-issued jumpsuit that doubles as a sleeping bag.! No more driving those evil, climate-change-causing cars. The city will pay for you to ride the bus or subway, where you can intimately connect with the community around you, specifically the African American gentleman practicing his amateur beatboxing two inches from your left ear.
And there’s so much more! The warmth of collectivism will help you lose weight—mostly through the innovative "no food" diet—and let you try delicious new cuisines, like "boiled grass" or "imaginary bread." You’ll truly learn to appreciate your loved ones, mostly since they could disappear or die at any moment. It’s a real great leap forward, right off a very high ledge.
In short, you will own nothing and you will be happy. Or else. We have very persuasive ways of making you smile.
The warmth of collectivism: coming soon to a Democrat near you.
Sponsored by Zohran Mamdani-Comdani and Joseph Stalin
