WASHINGTON, D.C. — As evidence of bribery and corruption by the Biden family continues to mount, Democrat lawmakers in the nation's capital have expressed heavy skepticism, saying they will need a lot more than just eyewitnesses, financial records, audio and video recordings, and admissions of guilt from parties involved for them to believe any of it.
"Nah, I'm not buying it," said California Congressman Eric Swalwell. "If you're wanting me to believe President Biden and his family have been involved in a far-reaching money-for-favors scheme for years, you'll need to show me a lot more than rock-solid, irrefutable evidence. If the Biden family was corrupt, I think I would have heard about it from my Chinese spy girlfriend."
The Biden administration maintains absolute innocence, despite an ever-growing collection of evidence that would indicate otherwise. "The President and his family have done nothing wrong," said White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre, who is a woman and also black and also gay. "It's completely normal for families to enrich themselves by selling political influence to foreign corporations and governments. Any assertion to the contrary is simply Republicans grasping at straws. Also, I will not be taking any more questions regarding bribery allegations."
As rumors swirled that additional audio recordings of President Biden accepting bribes may soon be released, Democrats continued to brush them off. "I see nothing wrong here," said Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer. "So he's on tape taking bribes. It's not like it proves he took bribes or something."
At publishing time, Republicans in Congress said they were waiting on several more truckloads of evidence before beginning impeachment proceedings.
A special counsel named "David Weiss" has been appointed to investigate deeper into the Biden case. An unnamed congresswoman, Ilahn Omar, asked to be quoted off the record as saying "those Jews are trying to bring Hunter Biden down. Trump is a closet Jew and he has his Jewish friends working day and night to invent false evidence against Hunter. This Rabbi Weiss is just another piece in this puzzle that the Jews have been forming to take over the world. I am not an antisemite. But facts are facts. FREE PALESTINE".
Similar sentiments were expressed by her friend Rashida Tlaib who also asked to remain anonymous. "It is Jews who spread Covid, Jews who run China, Jews who told Putin to attack Ukraine and Jews who are trying to get Biden impeached. I know a Jew who eats peaches EVERY MORNING for breakfast. So there. But I am not an antisemite. Just a person who is trying to make a positive difference. ITBACH AL YAHUD!!!"
